Even though I knew Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s interview with Oprah would be a huge deal, I still wasn’t prepared for all the tea that was spilled. And as a Black woman, I was bracing myself for how they would deal with the racism Meghan faced from all sides. But I really wasn’t prepared for how deep it turned out to be or how close to home it would hit to own my personal life.
We could see from the outside how cruel the media was toward Meghan once she and Harry were married.
But I had no idea that she was experiencing the same inside the palace walls and received virtually no support, except from Harry. This is how I’ve felt for almost the entire 15 years of my interracial marriage. We’ve smiled for cameras, put on a good show at events and for social media. All the while there were microaggressions galore, overt disrespect, yelling matches, and just plain old emotional abuse from my husband’s family.
Like Meghan’s introduction to the royal family, at first, they welcomed me with open arms — on the surface.
There was an early comment: “Oh I remember you from high school — you were the one with the biggest butt.” But everyone in the extended family was super nice to me at family barbecues, holidays, and once they found out I could cook, I was given special preference at Christmas Eve, by my favorite of hubby’s aunts. Yet others always seemed to want to put me back into my place, “No offense, but this girl at the physical therapist's office was acting like a typical Black girl,” implying she was stupid — right to my face.
Things intensified once I got pregnant with our firstborn, now 12, who would be the first grandchild for both sets of our parents.
When Meghan revealed that there were discussions about how dark her coming child would be — it felt like a knife through my heart. I remembered telling my husband that I was scared to have his family come visit our son once he was born, at the hospital, “If anyone mentions how light or dark he is, I’m going to lose it and throw them out.” Luckily, nothing was said directly to either of us, although I’m 100% sure they just talked about it behind our backs.
I was, however, vilified for breastfeeding — openly and with venom. To a new mother whose hormones are going crazy and all she should be worrying about is feeding and taking care of her baby, I was told: “You’re so disgusting for nursing. How selfish of you. Don’t you think your husband wants to feed his son? Don’t you think I want to feed him? Ugh, so gross. I wouldn’t want anyone but my husband doing that.” Never mind that this is perfectly natural and what they’re designed for — what gave them the idea that any of that is OK to not only think, yet say directly to a postpartum mom?!
At 15 years, I stuck it out much longer than Meghan, mostly because I had a dynamic career in advertising and had a whole world of people that treated me with respect, and I wasn’t isolated like she was.
That all changed five years ago when I became an entrepreneur and started working from home to be with our now two kids more. Having a much smaller universe — where many of the people were not only politically conservative, but becoming more vocal about their racism, has been incredibly isolating and demoralizing. It has also affected my mental health a great deal.
It all came to a head this past summer during all of the racial unrest and BLM protests. I received texts and phone calls from so many non-Black friends checking on my mental health.
Not only did I not receive a single call or text of support from my husband’s family, but I saw them posting online, “Police lives matter” and calling protestors thugs and animals — all while knowing my husband and I, and our kids were out protesting. After years of ignoring, turning the other cheek, being the bigger person, going high to their low, having discussions hoping they would change, that was finally my breaking point. I informed them that I was completely done with them and they’re no longer allowed in our home. Do I wish it was my husband putting a stop to this all along? Of course, but just like Harry, he’s standing with me now, that’s all that’s important.
Let’s let Meghan’s example be an example to us all. When you need help, ask for it — again and again, until you get it.
And let’s stop “people pleasing”, especially at the detriment of our own mental health. Always put yourself and your family first. If that means removing yourselves from toxic family members, so be it. The profound peace you get from it, is so worth it, Meghan and I promise.
