I’m Officially Calling It: There’s No Contest, Toddlers Are Harder Than Infants

Laura Mazza

I once read an article that [said] newborns are harder than toddlers.

After having three newborns who chewed off my nipples and didn’t sleep, I have something to say about that.

You’re wrong.

Now let’s assess, shall we?

When you put a newborn down on the floor, they are in the same spot where you left them.

You could even have a shower if you wanted, and they’re right there, just as they were.

When you put a toddler down, besides screaming that they want to be picked up, then put down, then picked up, then put down again, they also: smash their toys into the television, smash the remote on the floor, try to eat the batteries, put a fork in the electric socket, go through your paperwork and rip it up, and start a small house fire.

One word: Food.

Newborn: you feed them milk from your boob or your bottle.

Toddler: you get the red cup, no the white cup, no the blue cup, no cup!

You peasant!

And the water is all over the floor because they don’t want water.

They want juice. And they only eat nuggets.

JUST nuggets, but not the ones you cooked.

They want “shdkckekckfkskxj” and f—ed if you know what that is, but you better find out.

Sleep.

Newborn: yeah, they wake up a fair, damn bit.

But a toddler?

A toddler will climb out of their cot and stand over you like the girl coming out of the well from The Grudge.

Also, they can’t go to bed because they need water, they’re too hyper, or their sock fell off, or whatever their language capacity is, they’re screaming until 3 a.m.

And finally, play.

Newborn: squeeze a squeaky toy in their face a few times.

Toddler: dunks your car keys in the toilet, or instead of playing with the ten thousand toys you bought, wants to watch coco melon on your phone, on repeat, and then somehow subscribes to a 500 dollar a month learning app that you can’t find.

Pushes the button on your television just as you’re about to hear something important.

Laura Mazza

Takes a s— on the floor because they wanna be a big boy and use the toilet.

Covers themselves in Sudocrem [a healing cream] or think it funny to smash their brick head into yours and give you a concussion.

In the score game of who is harder?

Newborn: 0

Toddler: 100

This essay was republished with permission and was written by Laura Mazza. You can follow her on Instagram and Facebook.