I remember when my mom first let me wear makeup. It was a sure sign that I was finally a teenager — and then I promptly realized that getting extra sleep in the morning was way better than getting dolled up for class. This is probably the opposite problem that one parent has, who thinks their wife is crazy for making their 11-year-old daughter wear makeup every day. But the mom doesn't see a problem with it and argued that putting on makeup before leaving the house is all a part of becoming a woman — so their daughter better get used to it.
The Original Poster’s (OP) daughter recently passed her first milestone of womanhood — she got her first period.
For some reason, however, this has set the mom off and now she’s concerned about “how our daughter has been developing as a young woman,” OP explained in a since-deleted post on Reddit.
“My wife has also been painfully aware that my daughter has been getting zits and outgrowing a lot of her clothes,” the concerned parent continued. “My wife would also talk about how she needed to have the ‘bra talk’ with our daughter.”
“My wife has been teaching my daughter how to put on makeup to conceal her zits and enhance everything else,” OP added.
And of course, this huge shift has happened while they’ve been quarantined together.
That means that OP’s daughter can only leave her room with makeup on because “my wife sends her back to her room if she doesn’t have makeup on or if she thinks the makeup was applied badly. Or looked ‘crusty.’”
The OP is confused. Is mom crossing the line and turning this into a big deal or is it just a normal part of womanhood?
OP also explained that mom has always been on top of other girly things, such as their daughter’s hair, taking her to the hairstylist every week to keep it “shiny.”
So the OP confronted his wife about it “because I already thought that my daughter was pretty much a girlie girl as they would say. She prefers dresses over jeans and has already been known to be a shopaholic by our relatives.”
But the mom is standing firm, saying she thinks that if she doesn’t teach their daughter about makeup, she’ll get bullied.
She also thinks their daughter should “always look her best.”
“When I protested, she said that I had no idea the effort it takes to look good all the time and it’s a good thing to get her in that habit early,” OP wrote.
Does beauty really have to be painful? The OP’s already seen how his wife’s 21-year-old daughter turned out.
“I always thought that the reason she was always in makeup and heels even when she was staying home all day was because she was trying to impress her fiance (31).”
But perhaps, it’s mom's doing — and she might be doing it again. “I would also like to say that we do live in a rather wealthy area but even then I don’t see the kids around us trying that hard — they still look like kids,” OP added.
Some people thought this was a big, red flag.
"Yes, you should be worried. Your daughter is 11!" one commenter wrote. "Your wife is going to crush her self-esteem and cause her to have negative body issues for the rest of her life! Yikes."
Someone else had a good suggestion. "Take your daughter for a walk or a drive to get a treat or something and while you have her alone and calm ask her how she feels about the makeup and concealer and mom being so strict about this. You want your daughter to learn that she has full say over what happens to her body and right now your wife is teaching her the opposite of that."
The same person brought up some other valid points, writing this:
"How's she supposed to learn about consent and saying no when she's not into something if she's been trained that other people have the right to micromanage her body and her appearance? Please, talk to her. Tell her it's between you and her and that you'll deal with mom if she's afraid to disappoint her. She needs someone to find out what she wants. It's confusing and stressful enough to be that age, let alone during a pandemic. At least give her this say about her body."
A third person warned OP about the lasting effects on the 11-year-old. "I’ll be the bad guy; forget your marriage for a second. This is going to leave long term impacts on your daughter if you don’t say something. However, you might be fighting a losing battle if she’s already raised one daughter this way, especially if she turned out fine."
Hopefully, the mom remembers that kids today are already under so much pressure, as one user noted. "Also, who goes to the hair stylists once a week?"
"Welcome to the Upper East Side," the OP added.
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