A young mother is trying to provide her child with the best life possible, and although adoption is the only path that seems like it could bring her son stability and love, not everyone agrees. Her parents and the parents of her baby’s father are dead-set against them placing the toddler for adoption and told the young mother as much.
The young mom explained that she and her boyfriend started dating when they were 17, and two years later, they moved in together while attending college.
“When we first got together we decided we didn’t want kids. I grew up in a family that had babies born almost every year and it put me off having them because I saw how it affected my cousins and siblings,” she explained in a since-deleted post on the Am I the A–hole forum.
But of course things happen, and at 20 the young woman got pregnant.
The condom broke and her birth control failed. “I didn’t find out until I was almost 3 months along so I couldn’t abort,” she wrote.
But having an unplanned baby didn’t get easier after her son was born.
“When my son was born I didn’t bond with him. I tried and so did my boyfriend but neither of us could but we took care of him,” she explained.
To be fair, the two were both still in school and working — so time and money were limited and things were tough.
When their son turned 2 years old, they learned he had autism.
“It was at this point we had to sit down and think could we even take care of him,” she recalled. “We decided that we couldn’t financially take care of him and we couldn’t give him the motherly and fatherly love he needs.”
Ultimately, the parents decided to place their son for adoption and found a nice couple who could provide and take care of him.
“They couldn’t have children and fell in love with my son,” she added. But her son’s grandparents have become a problem.
“My now fiancé and I told our families about our decision and both of them told us we were being selfish and destroying our families,” she explained. “My parents told me it was incredibly selfish that I would give birth to him only to give him up and that it would have been better if I miscarried him.”
The forum's comments section was divided. Some people thought the mom was doing the best thing for her baby.
"You took the appropriate precautions to avoid having kids in the first place," one commenter pointed out. "When giving the kid up it sounds like you did your best to find a good family for him. I’m sure the family are also happy to have a child. Your family are wrong in this regard, you did the least selfish thing to ensure your child would have a good life and also made a couple very happy in the process."
Another commenter agreed, writing, "Exactly it’s not like they just threw him in the foster system to sink or swim, despite not bonding they still did their best and when it was clear they couldn’t keep going they made absolutely sure he was going to a good home where he will be loved and provided for. You guys did the responsible and mature thing here for everyone involved, kids aren’t for everyone and nobody should be guilted into being a parent."
"You two are actually being responsible adults," another commenter wrote. "I’ve never understood why people have to tell others they’re being selfish when in fact they are being the complete opposite. Taking care of yourself, doing what is for the best for your child is NOT SELFISH. It’s self-preservation and again taking care of yourself!"
Other people thought she was wrong for waiting so long to find her son another family.
One person thought she was an a–hole "for waiting until he was 2. You should have given him up at birth, that way he wouldn't be at risk for attachment problems because of losing his parents at one of the most critical periods for child development."
Someone else agreed. "Just because you waited 2 years where this poor kid was set aside while you both did school and worked and didn’t bond with him. You should have adopted him out right away."
A third commenter put it this way:
"YTA for waiting two years and bringing up his autism in the process. You knew you didn't want children. You knew you couldn't afford to have children. Yet you waited until your child was old enough to remember you and bond with you, and then you reject him and send him away. It's good that he's in a loving family now, but you still probably f—ed him up."
Later in the thread, the young mom shared that she had an open adoption for her son to smooth out the adoption process.
"All four of us decided it would be best if he thinks of me and my fiancé as his aunt and uncle instead of mom and dad," she explained. "He will know he’s adopted and won’t be lied to about anything surrounding the adoption or why it took place."
