Being a mom is the most fulfilling, heartwarming, beautiful job a woman will ever have. And it’s the hardest.
As moms, we talk about those two things all the time. We share photos with captions about how adorable our kids are on social media, along with hilarious memes about battling mom brain, being “on” from sunup to sundown, and the seemingly insurmountable task that is bedtime.
Here’s something we moms never seem to talk about, though: how pissed off we are. We probably don’t even want to admit to ourselves how irritating (and, quite frankly, infuriating) the challenges of motherhood are. We tell ourselves we should suck it up and be grateful when our kid won’t stop screaming or leaves Legos all over the floor that we step on in the middle of the night. We brush off the fact that we, too, would like to drop to the ground with our toddlers and kick and scream about how frustrated we are. Instead, we stuff our rage down, never expressing it beyond a social media post that’s intended to be perceived as a joke.
But mom rage is real.
In fact, UPI states parental burnout is prevalent in the United States, with nearly 8% of parents reporting high levels of exhaustion and lack of self-fulfillment. For a lot of us, that exhaustion and lack of fulfillment stems from constantly striving to “balance” the demands of our jobs with the needs of our families, and feeling like we have to say no to the things we want to do.
We’re broken records when it comes to tidiness, chores, getting homework done, and refereeing the incessant bickering between our kids. Every day, we battle the general overwhelm that comes with the feeling we always have to do everything.
And it royally pisses us off.
If we don’t find a way to release that anger, it builds over time, until one day, it boils over the surface in response to seemingly innocuous occurrences. Haven’t you ever lost your mind after finding the pantry door was left open just one too many times?!
Trust me, mama, you’re not alone. It’s normal to feel anger. So … let’s normalize it.
According to the World Health Organization, burnout is a syndrome resulting from workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. Accepting for purposes of this definition that momming is a job, and motherhood is a workplace, I say we start managing that stress by letting ourselves feel our mom rage in the most visceral way possible: a rage room.
Much like ax throwing, going to a rage room is often advertised as a fun and quirky group activity.
Personally, I don’t ever think of a rage room when making plans with friends, but I am a huge proponent of fully experiencing my emotions so I can release them (especially anger, hurt, and frustration). In fact, I openly encourage my kids to feel all their feels too — as long as they don’t hurt themselves, others, or my painstakingly decorated living room.
So when I discovered rage rooms were a thing, and that the entire point of them is to smash, throw, and break things in a controlled environment to “get out your rage,” I thought, sign me up!
After reading a ton of reviews online, I settled on a rage room that offers packages starting at 15 minutes all the way up to 40, ranging in price from $50 to $125 per person. I had no idea how many minutes to select, so I called and asked the owner. “If you have a lot of emotion to work through, go with at least 20 minutes,” he recommended.
I chose 25 minutes.
As it turns out, breaking stuff is effective therapy, and I highly recommend it for moms in particular. Here are my takeaways from my rage room experience:
- Do the research. Any legitimate rage room will most definitely have a website that states its pricing and safety rules. If you have questions, call and ask. And don’t forget about customer reviews! I recommend reading the negative reviews first to see if there are any common themes.
- Go alone. Unless you’re going with someone you completely trust and don’t mind ugly crying in front of, you probably won’t give yourself the full experience. The reason you’ve likely been holding your anger back in the first place is because you believe you’ll be judged if you let it out. Remove that barrier and go by yourself so that you can feel your emotions fully.
- Leave it all in the rage room. Don’t hold anything back! You’re paying good money and taking valuable time to give yourself this experience. So give it to yourself. No one else can give it to you.
Before I left for my rage room appointment, I told my 9- and 10-year-old straight up, 'Mommy is going to a rage room to get out her anger.'
I drove away gleefully, but by the time I got there, I was nervous. They had told me when I made the reservation that long pants and closed-toed shoes were mandatory, but otherwise, I wasn’t sure what to expect.
The kind young man who greeted me explained that I would don coveralls over my clothing that buttoned all the way up to my neck, and would wear a hefty face shield and goggles to protect my face. He showed me the room — which was large and black-lit with one giant wall made of cement — then handed me a pair of gloves and asked, “What kind of music do you want to listen to while you’re in there?”
I went with my gut. 'Pop is fine,' I said.
For 25 minutes, while Taylor Swift, Lizzo, The Weeknd, and Harry Styles crooned on Spotify through the speakers in the room, I took a metal baseball bat to 21 glass items and three electronic ones. I’ll admit that it was difficult to get started at first. I didn’t actually feel angry while I was standing there, alone, sweating under all that gear. Decorum kicked in for a moment and I thought, “These are perfectly good teacups, I really shouldn’t break them on purpose.”
But then I remembered why I had come. I was there to give myself permission to let go of the anger and frustration I was carrying around every day. And as I began deliberately riling myself up and thinking about everything that was bubbling under the surface, I realized it wasn’t just about the challenges of being a mom. Other stuff came up too — like the times at work when I don’t feel good enough, and the personal goals I haven’t achieved. I let myself cry and scream as I smashed cups and dinner plates against the cement wall, and beat wine bottles and a computer monitor to smithereens.
And then, when it was over, I felt entirely still.
As I drove home, I noticed a sense of peacefulness and clarity settle over me. “How was it, Mommy?” my kids asked when I returned. Grinning, and feeling more gratitude and patience than I’d had in a while, I told them the truth. “It was amazing,” I said.
If no rage rooms exist in your area (or your budget), try this tip I picked up from a friend. Sit on your bed or on the floor and stack two or three pillows in front of you. Choose a song you love. When it begins playing, intertwine your fingers and clamp your hands together, then raise your arms over your head, bending at your elbows so your arms fall behind you, and slam them down onto the pillows repeatedly for the duration of the song. Give yourself that time to fully feel the anger, disappointment, or hurt. Cry it out. Grunt if you want to.
And then, when the song is over, let it go.
Mom rage is real, but once you honor it by listening to what it’s telling you, it doesn’t get to claim a hold on you anymore. Remember that you get to decide how long you carry around the emotions that are weighing you down. Whichever route you choose, be intentional about getting those feelings out so you can finally release them.
Then, enjoy the peace, stillness, and patience that you’re sure to experience for weeks afterward. You deserve it, mama.
Nikki Oden is a lawyer and mom mentor who helps working moms battle burnout by teaching them how to own their days and crush their goals — without the mom guilt. She is the founder of Your Ideal Mom Life, host of the Love Your Mom Life podcast, and author of But Definitely Wear Mascara: Hacks to Help You Love Your Mom Life (and Yourself) a Little More.
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