I was in the throes of postpartum depression following the birth of my second baby, when a friend’s mother said something that surprised me.
She lightheartedly joked about her preferred response when people ask her when she decided she wanted to be a mom. “When I got the positive pregnancy test!” she declared with a laugh. She followed up her statement with “I think that’s how it is for most people!”
This was something I desperately needed to hear.
At the time, a poisonous combination of social media and social interactions had been making me feel like the Motherhood Club was something exclusive that I just didn’t belong in.
I felt inundated with statements I just couldn’t relate to, statements about motherhood being a “dream come true,” and “so hard, but so worth it.” I felt like I couldn’t escape the hoards of cheery, well-dressed mothers delighting in the day-to-day minutiae of child-rearing, and as a result, I felt alone, withdrawn, and sad.
I don’t disparage these moms in any way, I’m actually happy for them that they have been able to extract so much fulfillment from their motherhood experience.
But those saccharine declarations can feel really isolating when you’re a mom who can’t help but question if it really is worth it, or never considered being a mom when she envisioned her future dreams.
As a young person, I never dreamt of having children of my own. As a young adult, I distinctly recall the visceral disappointment I sensed from my mother when I revealed to her that I really didn’t think I wanted kids.
Women of all ages are too often told that they will “change their minds,” that somehow having an extra X chromosome is a guarantee that she either owes the world babies, or should have a burning desire to reproduce. The societal expectation that all women will passionately want children for no other reason than the fact that they are female, puts a tremendous amount of unfair pressure on them.
When I married my husband in my 30s, he was well aware of my hesitancy regarding having children, but we made a conscious decision together that if it were something that were to happen, we would embrace it.
We knew that our lives had the potential to be equally fulfilling, with or without children in it. Each of the two times I discovered that I was pregnant came as a bit of a surprise, and I still hadn’t been in a mindset where I “wanted” kids. But upon discovering that I was pregnant, I wanted those kids. Just like my friend’s mother had shared, I decided I wanted to become a mom when it unexpectedly happened.
When each of my daughters was born, I loved both of them instantly. But it was more of a calm, pure love rather than an overwhelming sense of sheer unexplainable joy that I’d always heard so much about. Maybe it was the C-section drugs I was on. Or maybe this is just a lot more common that we realize.
I wouldn’t say that my life as a mother is any better or any worse than it once was, but that it’s just different.
I definitely have less downtime, and I downgraded my career to spend more time with them during their infant and toddler years, a decision that continues to affect my mental health and self-esteem today. But some things are definitely better.
I pay more attention to my health, so my fitness levels are the best they have ever been. I no longer have the luxury of procrastination, so if something is important to me, I have to make it happen rather than put it off. I also tackled a problem I previously had with alcohol, and now only drink very sparingly, rather than to excess.
I still don’t always feel like I can relate to moms who seemingly view motherhood through a lens of relentless positivity, but by being candid with others about my feelings, I’m learning that I’m not as “abnormal” as I once thought I was.
Perhaps now more than ever, it’s important to dissolve the idea that women need to view the prospect of motherhood with vigorous desire, or as an absolute dream come true, in order to be worthy of consideration as moms who love their children.
Motherhood may not have been part of the plan for many women, just as much as a life without children may not have been part of the plan for others. Conversely, many moms may even have very much dreamt of becoming moms one day, only to discover it’s not as wonderful as they had imagined. All motherhood paths are different, and they very rarely, if ever, follow a straight, smooth line.
