When you and an ex share a child, figuring out when it's appropriate to introduce them to a new partner can be tricky. Should you wait days, weeks, months, a year? All kinds of opinions exist about when a parent should introduce their child to a new love interest. Most people, however, are generally pretty protective of their children and want to ensure they are not exposed to anyone or anything prematurely. There's nothing wrong with that. But what if things are a bit more complex?
One woman who posted on Reddit shares a 3-year-old daughter with her ex. They generally co-parent well and she still considers him a friend. The child is loved and happy, and things are quite good overall. There is just one sticking point: The woman's ex says he is polyamorous now, and she is not on board with his lifestyle. Well, at least when it comes to their daughter.
She is concerned about the child being exposed to so many different adults, mostly for safety reasons. The woman visited Reddit's AITA Forum for help dealing with the delicate situation.
They were in a monogamous relationship when they were together.
The original poster, 22, and her ex, 24, were involved in a monogamous relationship and had a daughter together. They did not work out as a couple but have successfully co-parented their little girl, who is now 3. Up until recently, everything was fine. OP's ex told her that he is exploring polyamory, and she has no problem with that and hopes he finds love.
"My issue is that he has quite a few people he sees on a regular basis now, I'm aware of at least 4 people he sees and considers his fwb/casual partners. "I dropped my daughter off with him for a weekend he had a girl I had never met staying with them, when I went to pick her up he was saying he was going to the airport to pick up this couple he had met online," OP shared.
"My daughter is old enough to start realizing who these people are and keeps telling me about "daddy's girlfriends" and even 'why does daddy have a girlfriend and a boyfriend?' (He's bisexual)."
OP doesn't isn't comfortable with how many people her ex is seeing.
Things with her ex are getting pretty active in terms of partners. It's starting to feel a bit like it's more about finding an excuse to sleep around and less about love. OP thinks it is too much for their daughter to comprehend at her age, and she doesn't want the toddler around her father's dates.
"Honestly, it makes me worried that he keeps bringing so many people around her, I think it makes her a little confused and also I don't know how well he vets these people before letting her see them," she wrote. "Last weekend he asked if we could reschedule his time w our daughter because he had a new date coming up, and I sort of freaked out and told him I'm not comfortable w this arrangement and I don't think his polyamory is healthy for our kid."
They have no legal custody agreement in place.
She now wants to change the way that they manage time with their daughter. He normally sees her on the weekends, but with so many people in and out, OP is no longer comfortable with that. She doesn't want their daughter with him and multiple partners. She wants it to be clear that this has nothing to do with jealousy — it's about safety, but she worries that she's not being fair.
"He said I'm being irrational and he can stop letting people stay over when she's there but people are poly and I can't shelter her from that forever, he also accused me of being homophobic bc I did specifically say letting random grown men around her," OP explained. "We have never had a fight this big before and my mom says I was wrong because he has shown to be a good dad, but I am still uncomfortable with this."
Redditors agree OP should be protective of her daughter.
Redditors agreed with OP that her daughter is the most critical part of this equation. It's not wrong to want to protect her head and her heart because she is so young and can't possibly understand the complexity of adult relationships.
One person pointed out that it isn't about polyamory at all. "NTA but the issue isn't the polyamory, it's the fact that he brings multiple random adults around your child without properly vetting how safe they are. It would be different if it was his long-term friends/partners staying the night, but these are just random people he's letting into the home."
"If he wants to have multiple casual partners, he can see them on the days he doesn't have his daughter," someone else pointed out. "He should not exposed her to a bunch of strangers in his house. Generally, new partners should not be presented for the child before it's a serious relationship, polyamorous or not."
Others looked at how this could affect their daughter long-term.
"He's opening the door to predators and opening your daughter up to attachment issues," one person warned, adding that the girl might get "attached to his new fwb or partner, just to watch them leave and abandon her."
People don't think that OP's ex is actually a polyamorist.
The comment section is full of people who do not buy that OP's ex is actually into polyamorous relationships. They think that he is just in this for the sex, and they don't like that setup for the child.
"This is not polyamory, it's a revolving door," one person warned.
"The issue isn't polyamory and you should reword it. Your issue is unvetted strangers sharing space/time with your child," someone else suggested. "This is a valid concern that has nothing to do with polyamory besides it being the link for this to happen in this scenario."
Some are worried OP is being manipulated by her ex, which is not OK.
"The issue isn't polyamory and he damn well knows it.The issue is that he, your co-parent, is allowing complete strangers — people it sounds like you've never met or don't know — around your daughter who is too young to a) defend herself in a worst-case scenario, b) clearly articulate her experiences/encounters with these strangers, and c) contact you if she's uncomfortable and wants to leave," one person commented.
Many commenters think OP needs to seek some legal help.
Lots of Redditors believe it's time to get a formal custody agreement to protect OP and her daughter.
"NTA neither of you should be introducing new people you don't know that well to the child in the first place," someone wrote. "And this issue is definitely a safety issue for your child so I'd contact a custody lawyer asap."
"So consult a lawyer and get a formal custody agreement in place. Given her age you should be able to get something like he cannot introduce her to a new partner unless they've been together for six months or something to that affect," another person commented.
"NTA and ewwwww. I wouldn't want a bunch of random strangers he met online around my kid that are at the ex's place solely for a booty call. He doesn't know these people, they could be sex offenders/perverts, thives or serial killers for all he knows," someone else warned. "He can't control himself for a weekend just to spend some quality time with his daughter? His time with her HAS to include hook-ups with strangers? Give me a break. Get a lawyer and find out your legal rights. Your daughter's life may literally depend on it."
OP, keep your radar up.
Redditors agree that OP will never be wrong for wanting to protect her child. If something feels off, she should trust her mama gut. Protecting a child will never make a parent a jerk.
If the ex is genuinely polyamorous, that is great for him; hopefully, he'll find love. But for now, the consensus is, he needs to understand that their daughter's well-being is the most important thing.
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