If you’ve ever had to talk to your ex after they’ve cheated on you, you probably deserve a medal, but unfortunately it happens if you share kids. One woman is in a pretty weird situation with her own ex-husband after he had a baby with the other woman. Now that the girl’s mother has died, he expects her to play mom.
“I said that it wasn't my problem and that he should deal with that,” the Original Poster wrote.
The OP’s marriage blew up about four years ago after her ex cheated and had an “affair baby."
The girl, J— is now 3 years old, but her mom died about two years ago.
“Aside from my ex-husband and his family, she doesn't have anyone else because her mom grew [up] in the system,” she explained in her post.
The couple also shares four children from their marriage, and the two eldest have since cut off their dad. Of course, her ex blames her for keeping his children away, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
“He might be an awful husband and partner, but he's an awesome dad, I'll give him that much,” the OP wrote.
The younger kids, ages 11 and 8, still visit their dad and have grown close with their baby sister.
The OP has tried to be the bigger person and connect with her kids’ half-sister, but it’s hard given the circumstances.
“I tried once to take the three of them out when she was younger but it wasn't for me,” she admitted. “I know she's blameless but I can't separate her from my ex's betrayal, so now every time I pick N— and J— up I try not to engage much. If she says hi, I say hi back, if she waves, I do too, but nothing more.”
But things have been getting sort of uncomfortable recently when the OP goes to pick up her sons.
The little girl will mumble “mama, mama” at her, and the OP has to tell her “I'm not your mom.”
"Call me [my name], I'm fine with that,” she tells her.
The last time the OP went to pick up her kids, J— ran up to her “calling me mama and began to cry when I didn't pick her up and took her with me.”
“Listen, I don't think my ex is telling her to call me mom, but that's how N— and J— acts (specially J—, he runs at me saying '’mom! mom!’ and hugs me, so I guess she's copying his behavior),” the OP wrote.
On Easter, the little girl ran up to her again.
But this time, her ex pulled her aside and asked to speak to her privately.
“He basically told me that seeing me picking the boys up, being affectionate and loving with them is confusing and hurting J—,” she wrote. “She's a baby and she doesn't understand what's happening, so he asked me if I could just take her with me for a few days like I do with the boys and maybe, over time, let her call me mom.”
The OP told him no — “absolutely no.”
She told him she felt bad for the little girl, but she’s not her mom and that she only has a relationship with the two of them because of her sons.
“He called me heartless and pointed out how she cries when I leave without her but I said that it wasn't my problem and that he should deal with that,” she wrote. “He later sent a video of J— crying by the door and said, 'I hope you're happy.’"
“So … AITA?” she asked. “I mean I know it's not her fault, but isn't mine either.”
Most of the comments section was in agreement — the OP had not a darn thing to feel bad about.
"It’s a shame you can’t divorce him twice," wrote one commenter. “[Not the A–hole]."
"I think I’ve seen your ex’s balls outside of a Target," another commenter joked. "I’m so sorry this baby is hurting. She’s of the age where I’m sure she’s trying to figure out her little world. Part of that is copying her big brothers, and I commend you for shutting her down kindly.
"But your ex is a piece of work," the person continued. "He cannot ask you to support him. And he definitely cannot ask you to take this kid off his hands. He had a supportive parenting partner and he threw it all away when he cheated on you."
"Exactly," someone else agreed. "He needs to tell J— about her mommy & differentiate that her brothers have a different mommy. J— is innocent in all this but OP is not obligated to parent her as she is not her mom or step-mom. I can’t believe the ex is trying to guilt trip her with a video of J— crying. Such manipulative behavior."
But a few people thought she could be just a bit more compassionate.
"Omg you are totally an AH. my goodness how can you be so cold to a blameless child???" wrote one person one person.
"She's a baby who doesn't understand any part of this situation other than you are excluding her and withholding affection," another commenter pointed out. "And that her brothers have an adult who loves and cares for them when she doesn't have that with you. So you're probably gonna traumatize her a little bit if you won't even give her a hug.
"This kind of thing can cause attachment issues later in life," the commenter continued. "Your ex is the bigger AH, but also don't traumatize a baby in the process of being mad at him. Have her call you auntie or something, she'll figure it out as she gets older."
A third commenter thinks OP is being a jerk and put it this way: “In my opinion. I could NEVER walk away from a baby like that regardless on the situation behind it. That’s sad and very heartless."
Unfortunately for her ex, the OP is under no obligation to be a mom to J—, but if she ever wanted to show the girl some affection, she'd be doing her a real kindness.
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