Miscarriages are devastating. There is no denying that. One can become even more of a heartbreak the further along a mom is in her pregnancy. Older mothers face a higher risk of miscarriage and other pregnancy-related complications, so they often already have heightened anxiety during their pregnancies. It's perfectly normal and understandable to have those feelings and fears.
A man and his wife are expecting their first baby unexpectedly in their late 30s. They tried for years to have a baby when they were younger, without luck. This baby is a surprise, and a much wanted blessing, but things are getting stressful.
The man visited Reddit's AITA forum recently to talk about a situation in his family and to seek some guidance. The original poster's brother and sister-in-law sadly experienced a recent pregnancy loss. Although it was terrible for all involved, OP and his wife don't want to talk about it anymore as it's causing them uneasy feelings. Does that make them insensitive jerks? Is it wrong for them to want the sister to stop talking about it all the time?
The pregnancy is a miracle.
OP and his wife, both 37, struggled with fertility when they were younger and had all but given up on having a child. Their pregnancy is a gift, and they're cherishing every moment of it.
"We tried to have a baby in our 20s, went through fertility treatments, and nothing worked. This pregnancy was a huge surprise and is a highrisk pregnancy. My wife is 20 weeks now," he explained.
Even though the pregnancy is going well so far, OP's brother and his wife recently experienced a miscarriage, and that's kind of putting a damper on things.
OP's SIL was fairly far along in her pregnancy when she lost her baby.
Sadly, OP's SIL was 21 weeks when she suffered a miscarriage. Of course, this was unexpected and utterly heartbreaking for her and her husband. They already are parents of three children 5 to 8 years old, but it hurts nonetheless.
OP explained that he feels awful for them, but they are obsessed with the miscarriage and won't stop talking about it, and the expectant couple just can't take it anymore.
"My SIL talks about her miscarriage a lot, which is understandable. But it has been making my wife really anxious so I first asked my brother if they (he and SIL) can just stop bringing the miscarriage up in front of my wife," OP wrote. "He said sure, and stopped, but SIL didn't. So I asked her too, and she said that she will try. She didn't stop."
OP's SIL went too far.
OP's wife is now in her 20th week, right around where the SIL was when she lost her baby. The family was together for Halloween, and the SIL said something pretty insensitive to the mom-to-be.
"At lunch, my SIL said to my wife '20 weeks now huh, I remember feeling the baby at 20 weeks. Sadly we lost him at 21' and my wife had a panic attack," he shared. "We (wife and I) left the room, and I came back 30 minutes later and just lost it at my SIL, I told her to just for once shut the hell up about her miscarriage."
OP was protecting his wife and her feelings, but now, he feels like a jerk. Was it wrong to react that way?
A high-risk pregnancy is scary.
The Reddit community empathized with OP and his situation. Redditors were sensitive to the fact that high-risk pregnancy can cause all kinds of fears and emotions for expecting parents and thought that SIL should know that.
"While I feel for your SIL she knows the struggles you and your wife have endured to have this precious baby. Being a high risk pregnancy is already stressful enough," one person wrote.
"She doesn't need that added stress & being a high risk pregnancy already comes with its own stresses," someone else remarked. "Miscarriages are tough and effect everyone differently … but I know my husband would NOT let his sister talk to me like that if we were in OP's situation. Good luck … with the family AND the pregnancy. Hoping for healthy."
"I had a high risk pregnancy for my second, after multiple miscarriages, so get it. It is not an easy time at all," another person chimed in. "Your SIL shouldn't say things like that to her, as I'm assuming she full well knows the history and that it's a high risk pregnancy so should know better."
Sadly, some people believe the SIL is doing this on purpose.
How could someone intentionally scare a pregnant woman? Some think that's exactly what the SIL is doing, and that she should know better.
"NTA…if your SIL knows the pain of losing a baby, she should be able to understand the fear this would put on your wife. Best of luck," one person mentioned.
"Sounds like SIL is doing it on purpose to upset your wife," another comment reads. "Everyone knows you don't talk to pregnant women about your poor pregnancy experiences u less they are okay with it."
Another person offered a pretty sickening scenario. "It may be my brain immediately jumping to the worst possible conclusion, but I can't help but wonder if maybe SIL is doing this on purpose, hoping OP's wife will get a miscarriage too so they can both feel the same pain or something."
Hopefully, that's not the case.
Redditors suggested that some distance from the other couple might be in order for OP and his wife.
Redditors agree that it may be the best course of action at this point for the families to take a bit of time away from each another. If the SIL cannot control her mouth, then it probably isn't worth the risk of upsetting OP's wife, so they should stay apart for a while.
"Good on you for standing up for your wife and creating boundaries. I would suggest you keep yourself and your wife away from your brother and SIL. She won't stop her bulls— so it's best to stay away," one Redditor recommended.
"NTA and if your SIL wasn't immediately remorseful for causing that panic attack she needs to stay away until baby is born. The f— is wrong with her? That's not cathartic or helpful or anything positive, that's inflicting your emotional pain onto another to buoy yourself momentarily," another person wrote. "I can't even imagine how horrifying that would be to be sitting there and basically told hey I remember looking forward to the birth and being so happy and then the baby died. So even if you think everything is ok it likely isn't and your baby will just die."
Yikes, what a horrible thing to think about. Yet other people feel the same way about the SIL.
"Your SIL suffered a tragic loss but she needs to realize that talking about it to a woman in a high risk pregnancy isn't helping anyone," one person agreed. "It almost feels like she's hoping your wife miscarried so she can be miserable with her. You and your wife should distance yourself from them until the baby is born."
OP, you and your wife have a right to feel hurt.
OP, according to Reddit, you are not the one in the wrong. You are protecting your wife, which is what a husband should do. Her feelings and well-being are your priority, and that is amazing. It doesn't make you a jerk for getting upset at your SIL for being insensitive.
Redditors think the fault lies in her lap and that you shouldn't give this another thought. Concentrate on your wife and her health and your sweet baby. Enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy and get ready for the ride of your life.
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