There’s a saying that women raise their daughters and love their sons. It speaks to the notion that although mothers spend a lot of time and attention preparing their daughters how to take care of themselves (and others), they don’t do the same for their sons. It’s kind of a free-for-all with the boys.
We see it in adages that excuse their behavior, such as "Boys will be boys" and even “That’s just the way it is” when rationalizing the double standard between boys/men and girls/women. But one New Jersey mom is making sure her sons don’t fall into this toxic pattern.
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Payal Desai is challenging patriarchal double standards in her 'No Dusty Sons' video series.
Payal Desai, an eighth grade English teacher, according to NJ.com, imparts these lessons on both her sons and the public with a series of TikTok videos and Instagram Reels she’s titled “No Dusty Sons.”
For instance, in one video, she shows a bag and a hat misplaced at the bottom of her stairs. She directs her son to the mess, he removes it, taking it to its rightful place. As they both walk up the stairs, Payal stares pointedly at the camera as the instrumental from hip hop group Luniz’s “I Got 5 On It,” plays in the background. The text over the video reads: “Teaching my son to notice the crap piled up at the bottom of the staircase so it’s not only on his partner to keep the house tidy.”
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She wants her sons to understand the power and privilege they'll have in the world and how not to abuse it.
In another video, she sits on the floor with her two boys talking and looks up at the camera with that same signature stare. The text for this one reads: “Teaching my sons to understand their actions before apologizing so their partners never have to hear, ‘I’m sorry YOU feel that way.’”
The videos have amassed millions of views on both platforms and are connecting with all types of people, all over the world, including women who have experienced the type of behavior Payal is trying to help her sons avoid. The videos are hilarious but the intention behind them is serious.
Payal told Insider she wants her sons Carter, 7, and Dev, 3, to know “the power and privilege they’ll have in our world as men.” And she wants this awareness to come with action. “I want them to be aware of this, to always be an ally, to understand the responsibility that comes with their role in life,” she said.
'We don't have to teach our sons, "boys will be boys,"' Payal said.
Although many people believed Payal might have been using her content to send a message to her own husband, she said he is in full support of the messaging and is doing his part at home to reinforce it.
"[My sons] don’t often see gender roles defined in our home,” she told Insider. Payal said having lived with many of the norms she’s trying to dismantle, women inherently recognize that the way the world often works is unfair.
“There’s inequality. And we’re at a point where we can change that. We can shift that. We don’t have to teach our sons ‘boys will be boys,’” Payal told NJ.com.
Her audience has helped to educate her as well.
In her creation of the videos, Payal has learned something too. In her early videos, she often spoke to her son’s future wives or female partners. But one user said the language wasn’t inclusive because she was assuming her sons would end up with women.
“I took that feedback and I just had a very honest conversation with my son,” Payal told NJ.com. “I asked him ‘when you look at your future, what do you picture? When you think about having a home of your own and a family … what do you picture?’ And he said, ‘Well, I could end up with a girl or I could end up with a boy,’ and that open mind of his encouraged me to change the verbiage.”
Payal substituted “daughter” for “partner.”
As a teacher, Payal is taking some of these lessons into her classroom as well.
In one of her videos, she shares the importance of her son “writing down his feelings when he’s upset so your daughter won’t have to deal with his impulsive outburst.” She encourages her students to do the same.
“It’s very therapeutic to be able to do things like that, and then have conversations with [my students] … I just think that we’re at a point where we can raise our children differently and we cannot send the message that because you’re a boy you have to be this way or that way,” she explained.
Thanks for fighting the good fight, Payal.
