Recently, we were having a nice dinner out when I overheard a mom arguing with her daughter.
Her tone is repulsive: “Emma, one bite of ice cream is enough.”
Her daughter groans, “But mom, it’s the weekend. I haven’t had any treats today.”
Her mom barks, “I don’t care. You’ve had plenty this week.”
Her daughter attempts to grab another spoonful and her mom yells, “Emma! Stop it! You’re done, young lady!”
My heart sank. I wanted to scold the mother and then have a heart-to-heart with her daughter.
But I didn’t. I froze in my seat because I realized I was triggered.
Growing up, there were many rules around food. My mom would bribe us with treats whenever we didn’t want to eat vegetables. She rationed my Halloween candy into 10 separate bags so that I wouldn’t overindulge. She was obsessed with health.
She would drain the fat from any dish she made. She complained incessantly about how greasy the food was at restaurants and how much sugar they put in desserts. Whenever she ate junk, she would talk about how long she’d have to spend at the gym to “burn it off.”
My mom did her best, but she projected a lot of her insecurities onto me.
As a result, I developed an eating disorder when I was in high school. This included binging and purging, and dangerously restrictive diets. I remember a friend offered me an M&M and I ate it. I was so disgusted with myself that I threw up in the bathroom.
I stopped purging in grade 11, but when I started college, my emotional eating skyrocketed. Stress led to overeating which then led to guilt and punishing myself at the gym. It was a never-ending cycle that ate away my physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
I was in my late 20s when my recovery began. I learned how to mindfully eat, shed toxic beliefs, and developed the ability to tease out my hunger and full cues from what I was feeling. My struggles with food shaped how I parent. Instead of restricting what my kids eat, here’s why I’m letting them eat whatever they want.
When they can’t have something, they’ll want it more.
The No. 1 pet peeve dietitians have about the way we talk about food is using labels like “good” and bad.”
When we put labels on food, it gives them a special power. For instance, when ice cream is called “bad food,” it becomes forbidden. When spinach is called “good food,” it becomes boring.
What do kids love doing? Testing boundaries to see how much they can get away with. The more restrictions kids have, the more likely they are to rebel. Kids are very creative — they’ll find ways to get what they want.
Once they’ve figured out how to cheat the system, that’s when lies and secrets are created and the trust is broken between the parent and child.
Disconnect food choices from moral judgment.
When the daughter at the restaurant was trying to get an extra spoonful of ice cream, she believed she was doing something bad. But as we all know, eating ice cream doesn’t make a person bad and eating broccoli doesn't make a person good.
When we judge ourselves for eating certain foods, that’s when we feel disappointed in who we are, which contributes to poor self-confidence and low self-esteem. Children need to feel supported and confident in the choices they make, that their self-worth isn’t tied to the type of food they eat.
Shift the focus away from self-control and toward self-regulation.
When I was emotionally eating, I believed that if I ate something “bad,” it was because I lacked self-control. I was trying to control my eating by using food to manage how I felt.
The most important thing I discovered during recovery was the mind-body connection. I no longer viewed food as an emotional crutch; I viewed it as the energy I need for my body to function properly.
Instead of putting restrictions on what my kids can or cannot eat, I teach them how to self-regulate and trust what their body is telling them. We practice mindful eating and pay attention to how certain foods make us feel. Kids have the natural ability to recognize their satiety cues and it’s my job as a parent to foster this awareness and model the behavior.
Ultimately, healing from my past allowed me to cultivate a healthy relationship with food and gave me the opportunity to break a destructive cycle.
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
