It’s 1.30 a.m. and I'm scrolling through social media. I see a hilarious meme saying, “I really want to be one of those laid-back parents but then I remember that I have kids.” I immediately share it in the mom group chat. There is zero consideration for the time. As expected, the first response comes from the PhD candidate and college lecturer who is finishing an assignment. We exchange stickers and anecdotes about the kids. By this time the computer engineer-turned-realtor, who’s an insomniac like me, will have joined the conversation, as we alternate between laughing at our kids and bemoaning our plight. The finance professional in the group never joins these late night chats. She manages her sleep with the same rigor and discipline she takes to her company’s balance sheets. In a nutshell, this is the dynamic of the quartet, my village.
The popular saying is that it takes a village to raise a child.
This is very true. What is often not said is that it also takes a village to raise a mom. Mom groups and chats have risen to prominence in recent years. The theory is that mothers get together to bond and share the burden of raising humans. Thank God for millennial moms! This deliberately created village is used as a reservoir of information. The time-tested encyclopedia that answers questions about sore nipples, colicky babies, the odd-looking rash, and temper tantrums.
My quartet, I realize, is more executive functioning in nature.
It’s not that we don’t need parenting support. I think it’s more that we have organically realized that supporting each other through all the other issues outside of “mothering,” is where our real strengths lie and what we really need. Additionally, as Black women raised with a plethora of younger siblings and cousins, child care is little more second nature and we all have mothers close by to fill that need.
Understanding how the quartet evolved in this way took keen observation on my part.
Among us we have close to 30 years of friendship. We met each other at different periods of our lives, but the time span dates all the way back to elementary school. Knowing one another for so many years and literally growing together has cemented that bond. Imagine a friendship that has survived first breakups, graduations, health scares, death of parents, engagements, weddings, and babies.
We don’t live close to one another. In my case, an entirely different country.
But we talk every single day, multiple times per day. Synchronicity is so practiced that we subconsciously meet one another’s needs. At the whisper of “I feel depressed,” at least one party knows to go take that person to lunch. Whenever the inevitable eczema breakout occurs due to stress, the response of an early morning hike is readily arranged to provide that needed outlet. The onset of a worldwide pandemic really gave the quartet a chance to flex its muscles. It is an indisputable fact that none of us would have survived the pandemic without one another.
Our support system works because it is free of judgment.
No one is an expert and everyone is a friend. So our exclusive ecosystem absorbs the uncertainties of career expectations, the residue of toxic maternal relationships, and extends grace to celebrate relationships that are now worthy of celebration. In all of this, motherhood is rarely discussed in its naked form. There is more of the unspoken agreement that being friends who are mothers, we support one another in every facet of our lives. We talk about anything and everything. From the changing landscape of skin care, the logistics of the Brazilian wax/laser, the detailed itinerary of the wedding anniversary, and the trending news of the day. This is our safe space.
With all this constant chatter and bustle, Friday usually arrives unceremoniously.
Other mom groups pause to talk about weekend plans for their kids and grocery shopping. In this regard, the quartet is unique. We complain about how hard the morning’s Zoom HIIT session was, sharing smugly how toned our legs and arms are, glossing over the not so flat tummies. It’s not that our kids are forgotten. But we have all agreed that this village supports us moms, so that we can raise awesome kids to function in this world.
