Before we even give birth, mothers are faced with an important decision: vaginal delivery or C-section? Some of us, like myself, aren’t even given that choice since it must be decided for us due to medical concerns. I had been planning on a vaginal delivery, but two weeks before my daughter's due date, my doctor informed me the umbilical cord was wrapped around my daughter’s neck, so a planned C-section it was. Ironically, I was born the same way.
Part of me was disappointed to deliver my first child via C-section, since I really wanted to experience “natural” delivery, especially because this would most likely mean another C-section for any future babies.
But then I thought, what difference does it make? My daughter was brought into the world safely and healthy. That’s all that matters. Except, in the eyes of society, that’s not true. Society makes mothers feel the need to constantly compete against one another in all the parenting decisions we make.
Formula vs. breast milk. Sleeping in a crib vs. co-sleeping. Baby led weaning vs. baby puree. Babysitter or day care. Stay at home mom vs. working mom. We are constantly being pitted against one another and not necessarily by choice.
For too long, society has taught us that there are the “right” decisions to make.
I know we’ve all heard the term “breast is best,” referring to how breast milk is the best option for newborns, but you know what? Screw that! First off, some mothers do not produce breast milk, so once again, it is a choice that is decided for them, not by them. Second, if a child is being nourished, isn’t that all that should matter?
I also had the full intention of breastfeeding my daughter for a year. But after three months, my daughter didn’t want to be breastfed anymore and would scream any time I tried. After trying to get her to latch for over a month (while also giving her formula), my milk dried up, and once again, a decision was made for me.
Before we even give birth, mothers are comparing ourselves when it comes to the actual experience.
Then once our children are born, the fun really begins. As mothers, we already feel so much pressure — pressure to do everything and anything possible to make sure our children are happy and healthy. Isn’t that all that should matter?
I am sick of the idea of competing with one another. There are schools of thought that “this is best” whether we’re talking about birth options or what we feed our children, and I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of the idea that mothers should be put in this position. I’m tired of the idea that mothers need to be compared.
We already have enough to think about. We shouldn’t constantly need to be compared to one another. Each and every mother has the right to choose what they feel is best for them and their child.
I still remember once talking with a woman who was pregnant with her first child.
When I mentioned that I had had a C-section, she made a nasty smirky smile and said, “Well, I want to go with natural birth, of course.” This infuriated me.
I want to be clear — mothers should absolutely be able to find comfort in talking to a friend about these decisions — especially when they’re pregnant and could be seeking advice for a friend who is already a mother. But we need to tread lightly and be careful how we talk about what can be very sensitive subjects. If two mothers want to talk freely about their birth experiences, of course they should be able to!! But we need to be careful about how we respond in a nonjudgmental way.
I love talking to my friends about our children, our birthing stories, how our children sleep or eat, etc. These are beautiful experiences that women should be free to share without fear of being judged. If our children were safely brought into this world and are eating, sleeping, and growing, isn’t that all that should matter? I dare say it is.
