Graduating high school and turning 18 doesnât necessarily mean youâre ready for college or to be away from home. Although someone 18 years old is legally an adult, emotionally, academically, and psychologically people this age could have had experiences that would render them unprepared for this potentially life-altering change.
This would certainly be the case for a student who lost a close family member. It's true even more for someone who lost their twin. One family in this exact predicament is looking for some advice.
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'My husband and I are in pain, but Mariah seems to be completely consumed by it,' a grieving mother wrote.
A mother wrote in to Slateâs Care and Feeding advice column, explaining that she and her husband had twin daughters âCarolineâ and âMariah. Naturally, the two were very close, and âeven though most twins seem to grow out of 'twin language' they never really did.â
Sadly, Caroline died suddenly and unexpectedly at 17. The OP said she doesnât have words to describe how brutal the loss has been for the family. âMy husband and I are in pain, but Mariah seems to be completely consumed by it,â she wrote.
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The efforts the family has made don't seem to be doing much good.
The OP said Mariah struggles at school and doesnât enjoy seeing her friends or participating in the activities that once brought her joy, such as soccer. âWe have her in a grief group and on antidepressants but they donât seem to be making a dent,â the mother wrote.
She explained that her family lives in a rural area so finding therapists that work with teens has been difficult as they have long waiting lists. The family was so desperate that they settled for two different therapists, even though their insurance didnât cover it. Those therapists were not good fits.
Mariah said she doesn't care whether she goes to college or not.
Mariah is now of college age, and although she has gone through the motions of filling out applications and has received acceptance letters, her parents donât know if she can handle such a huge transition right now.
When the OP asked Mariah if she wanted to go to school or defer admission, she said she didnât care.
âI donât want her to feel stuck here in memories while her friends and classmates move on, but both my husband and I are worried that sheâs too fragile right now,â the OP wrote. âHow do we figure out how to parent her through this?â
Hillary Frey offered some tips on how to this mom could continue supporting her daughter.
The columnist first suggested that the family seek out a therapist on Zoom rather than in person. "I know how hard it is to find therapists for kids and teenagers; there are not enough to meet the need, especially in rural areas. But do not let location be an obstacle. Itâs too important," she wrote.
Frey shared that it is unsettling that Mariah feels ambivalent about attending college. âYour anxiety and fear around her moving away is completely understandable;â she wrote. But âat the same time, maybe the leap to college and independence will turn out to be exactly what she needs to keep her life moving forward. It will be impossible to know until she is living it.â
No matter what choice they end up making, we can only imagine how difficult a time this must be as a parent. Parenting teens is challenging enough without having to navigate such immense grief.