5 Unintentionally Hurtful Things To Say to Someone Struggling With Secondary Infertility

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With our first, I got pregnant within three months so I thought it would be a similar experience when we tried for our second. Boy, I was wrong. After three months, I was a bit worried but still optimistic.

Almost a year later, it had completely drained me, body and soul. Every month my period came, I went through an emotional roller coaster of trying to stay hopeful but not too hopeful.

Secondary infertility occurs as commonly as primary infertility and makes up about 50% of all infertility cases. Despite this, I felt alone and helpless because my issue paled in comparison to those who were still trying for the first time. I felt guilty complaining since I already had a child.

The first things people want to say are to relax and be grateful for what you already have. But that does more harm than good.

Here are five unintentionally hurtful things to say to someone struggling with secondary infertility:

1. “Be grateful you already have a kid.”

This is something I already knew and was (and still am) incredibly sensitive about. I love my first child and I’m grateful to have her. Sharing my struggle doesn’t diminish how much I care about my first, nor does it mean she’s not enough for me.

My desire to have a second child was about making our family whole and giving our daughter the experience of having a sibling.

2. “Having two kids is exponentially harder. It’s easier when you have just the one.”

This usually comes from parents who have more than one child, and I get they’re trying to make me feel better. However, this statement invalidates my struggles as though everything I’m going through isn’t worth it.

Obviously, I knew having another child would be hard. I wasn't exactly looking forward to going through the sleepless nights, colicky madness, and torn nipples all over again. I was committed to my decision, however, and telling me to look on the bright side wasn’t helpful.

3. “You shouldn’t worry since you already know you can get pregnant.”

"If that were true, I would be pregnant by now," should be the immediate response to this.

My brain is going to worry no matter how much I tell it not to. And when it came to having a second, it was constantly on my mind. Every day, I’d be thinking about whether I was going to get pregnant "this" month.

Also, even though I’ve had a child, it isn't absolute certainty that the same body is completely capable of having another. From decreased egg production due to age, hormonal issues and cysts, issues can arise even after a successful pregnancy. This kind of statement dismissed my pain by providing me with false reassurances instead of empathy.

4. “Just relax and it’ll happen.”

This is one of the most frustrating things to say because it only makes it worse. It assumes my infertility issue was completely my fault. If I weren’t so stressed about it, I would've been pregnant already. I was already in a pit of despair, blaming myself every month. I don’t need someone else to kick me when I’m down.

5. “Have you tried doing this … because that’s what happened to my friend.”

That’s great your friend got pregnant after seeing a spiritual guide, going on a silent retreat, and meditating every day. But I’m not your friend and hearing how they got pregnant does not help my situation.

I understand that telling me success stories may seem like a way to offer hope; however, it is just a reminder to me that I am not pregnant but someone else is.

Unless I directly asked for your advice, please keep those stories to yourself.

So what can you say?

Ultimately, the best thing to say to someone who is struggling with infertility is to say nothing at all. Showing up, being present, and listening deeply are the best actions one can take to support a friend in need.