Fellow moms learning how to raise sensitive, melancholic children — you’re not alone. My 5-year-old son feels everything very deeply. When he recently ran off the school bus crying, every parenting alarm went off in my mind. Had someone picked a fight with him? Was there a bully in his class? Did he make a bad grade and take it personally?
No. The truth was much more tender.
I held him in our driveway as the bus pulled away. He shook as he told me he had a crush on a girl who always sat two seats ahead of him on the bus. He’d finally worked up the courage to say hi to her, and she’d laughed at his Pokémon shirt.
Logically, I know I shouldn’t have beef with a child. It’s ridiculous, but I also knew he’d shrieked with joy when he opened his new Quaxly shirt on his birthday.
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Our temperament styles link with our nervous systems.
I’ve always had the short temper that comes with a choleric nature. It’s easier to manage as an adult, but I’ve never thought much of it. When I started having kids, I’d always hoped I’d have children who processed things differently.
The different temperament styles affect how kids interact with the world. My choleric tendencies made me explosive. I sent my mom crying out of the locker rooms at the YMCA and made her fume on the phone with my teachers.
Today, my 5-year-old son’s melancholic temperament haunts my kindergarten self. He reacts with greater hurt and sadness than my older daughter.
She might feel hurt for a while after a mean comment, but it wouldn’t shake her world. My son would need days to recover from the same interaction.
Parents are always learning lessons from their kids, so I pushed myself to carry my son’s pain into further research. While he calmed down on the couch with peanut butter crackers and a YouTube video, I looked up why people have these different temperaments:
Choleric: Irritable and quick to anger.
Sanguine: Easily sociable with a glass-half-full mindset.
Melancholic: Sensitive and quiet.
Phlegmatic: Easygoing with a peaceful nature.
Quiet, melancholic kids who react more intensely to emotional situations may have this temperament due to their nervous system. Highly sensitive people — also known as people with various levels of sensory processing sensitivities — have hardwired nervous systems.
My son’s reaction to a thoughtless comment may have been bigger because his nervous system activates more easily than other kids. Melancholic children are born with a completely different way of thinking and being in the world because their nervous systems are different, too.
It’s important to understand and nurture emotionally sensitive children. My son has often said he feels like the “odd one out” in school. He’s even wondered if “something is wrong with” him.
Hearing that crushed my heart. Though there’s never a dull moment as a parent, seeing him interact with the world also challenges me to think differently. It’s one reason I wonder if my son is my greatest teacher.
I worry about how he’ll do later in life.
The more I learn about different temperament styles, the more I stay up at night worrying about my son. Everyone’s life has ups and downs. How will he handle being on his own?
I’ve learned to “let him be” sometimes and figure out how to self-soothe. It’s a skill he’ll need when he’s an adult. Other times, I can’t help but wrap him in my arms and picture my own journey.
I grew up watching people call my mom a bad parent because they saw me making fusses due to my choleric temperament. Even the smallest triggers set off my irritability and crying fits. They said my mom “wasn’t fit for parenthood,” and though she never made me feel bad for being her daughter, I saw the toll the words took on her.
Putting my mother through the wringer as a child caused me immense guilt that always sat in the back of my heart. As I’ve read more about types of temperaments, I realized there were reasons for my nature. It makes me look at relationships differently and have more compassion when my son’s sensitive side reveals itself.
My friends joked that karma would give me a choleric kid to even out the cosmic balance of what I put my mom through. It turns out that the universe sent me an analytical, sensitive son who caused me different worries.
I’m always trying to guess what’s on his mind. He rarely tells me if something’s wrong until he’s crying. Learning how to handle those moments is part of growing up, and I trust his kind, creative nature to help him thrive.
My renewed compassion helps me love my entire family better.
Sometimes, my irritable nature flares when my kids do something I can’t understand. Now, I wonder if those moments connect with their temperaments. The reading I do afterward deepens my understanding of my children.
My daughter is so much like me, yet entirely different. We’re both night owls and love staying active, but I’ve recognized her social butterfly skills come from her confident nature.
While her brother watches people to learn about them before becoming friends, my daughter jumps right in with different social groups. Now it’s clear that her nature finds it easier than me, and that’s absolutely fine.
It’s fascinating to see such distinctive humans in the same family. It’s also a wild ride as a parent. My children also adapted to skills at different rates, which is another learning journey that continues today.
After my daughter learned how to tie her shoes, she rushed through the process to get on with her day. My son always has to sing a song he made up about the shoe-tying steps. If he messes up, the song and his process have to start over.
I worried that maybe he was developing a condition like obsessive-compulsive disorder, but his reasoning stemmed from his temperament. He’s sensitive and rarely asks for help. The song empowered him and made him happy, which is the opposite of what OCD symptoms do.
I still checked with his pediatrician to ensure I was right, and she agreed. Temperament styles inform how kids interact with the world, even during moments alone.
It’s easier to have more patience by embracing their individuality.
I may not personally understand the different temperament styles, but I can have compassion for how they guide my kids through life. Learning how to raise my children while supporting their individuality is a never-ending process.
Understanding our children as moms may take work, but the lessons are worth it. Every time I figure out something else about my kids, it’s easier to have patience. Life gets more enjoyable, which is something every family deserves.
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