What is the right way to handle holiday plans with family? How do you decide who hosts gatherings? And what about as your family grows older? Do you still go to the same person’s house you have visited since you were a kid, or as families grow and life changes, should you start hosting holidays on your own? It’s a lot to think about.
Buying a new home is exciting. When people move in, they often picture themselves playing with the kids in the backyard or hosting a big holiday dinner for their entire family. A man and his wife recently bought a new home and are excited to host their first Thanksgiving. One tiny hang-up, though: People aren’t coming.
The man posted in Reddit’s AITA forum to ask if he was overreacting to his family not planning to attend Thanksgiving dinner at his house even though he assumed they were. They want to come for dessert, but the original poster said it’s the whole turkey dinner or nothing. Does that make him a jerk?
Thanksgiving has always been a big deal for his family.
OP mentioned he had attended Thanksgiving dinner at his uncle’s house his entire life. It was a big celebration, but it was never his favorite thing.
“Honestly I’ve always felt like the outsider to the family and like they never tried to include me and have never really enjoyed it. Both grandparent and my father have passed away but we still do Thanksgiving at uncles house,” he explained.
This year, OP wants to try something new.
OP and his wife just bought their first home together. When they closed on the house earlier this year, OP told his family he would like to take over the holidays for his family. From now on, he intends to host his mom, his two sisters, their boyfriends, and his wife’s parents and brother. In his mind, it was pretty cut and dry.
“I thought my mom was on the same page my wife and I have been excited to start our own traditions with both our parents and actually enjoy the holidays. My wife has been excitedly planning since Halloween and buying food and decorations for the first Thanksgiving we will be hosting,” he wrote.
Then he got the text that put a wrench in his plans.
OP’s mom sent him a text asking about his Thanksgiving plans. This caught him off guard because he and his wife were planning a big bash that his mother was supposed to attend.
“I was confused and reminded her my wife and I were hosting. She said OK her and my sisters would stop by for dessert. Not going to lie I was upset I called her and asked why they aren’t coming for dinner since that was the plan I reminded her I mentioned it when we closed on the house,” he shared.
His mom didn't remember making any plans.
OP’s mom told him there were plans for Thanksgiving, but not at his house. She and his sisters still wanted to see the extended family. She added that it was OK if he didn’t want to, but they were going.
OP had to tell his wife they weren’t coming, and she got upset. She planned for 11, and now there would only be six. Plus, to add insult to injury, OP’s sisters’ boyfriends aren’t even coming for dessert.
His wife is disappointed and complained to him. “She said if they can’t respect her time planning and come for the entire thing then don’t bother coming at all for dessert. I see her point she was excited and planned and spent money all for them to just blow us off,” he wrote.
OP called his mom and gave her an ultimatum.
Not satisfied with his mother and her plans, OP called and laid it all out. He said his wife wants it all or nothing.
“She told me not to expect them for thanksgiving,” he wrote.
Oh geez. Now everyone is upset.
His wife is angry, and even her parents are mad and think his family is unreasonable. They don’t want him to even think about planning a Christmas party.
OP is hell-bent on starting new traditions for his wife, her family, and his family together. “That’s what we tried to do this year, and now its all blown up in my face,” he lamented.
Should everyone change their plans and do what he wants, or is he out of line?
Maybe OP's just confused.
Redditors wonder if OP made plans or if he only thought he did.
“YTA dude. It was in passing. You never formally invited them or made plans, you just assumed they would know you were hosting,” one person commented. “You have a family tradition. It’s fine to want to make your own but you can’t force the rest of the family to give up on their traditions to make you happy when they enjoy the bigger Thanksgiving. Sounds like they’re not upset you don’t want to go and are more than happy to stop for dessert.”
“I’m sorry dude, but between “i mentioned it when we closed on the house earlier this year” and “we made plans together and i invited all of them” is a huge difference,” another comment read.
“Yta, you never formally invited them, just said in passing you’d like to do it,” someone else wrote. “They are not mind readers, don’t care if your wife bought anything, you hadn’t made plans with them.”
You do know what assuming does, right OP?
OP may have made his plans and expected the rest of the family to be in on them, but they are all adults and get to choose what they want to do.
“The way I’m reading OP’s story and responses, it sounds like he’s assumed everything and then confirmed the plan with wife without actually firming plans with everyone involved,” someone mentioned.
Another person agreed with that assessment, writing, “You made assumptions and never bothered to clarify sooner. You’re a bigger ah for your comment at the end about ‘old traditions end when people get older.’ Things do change as kids grow up and have families of their own. But part of being an adult is having adult conversation.”
At this rate, if he's lucky, he'll be able to serve up some pumpkin pie.
He should be thankful they even said they’d have some dessert at his house.
“Dessert is more than enough for your sisters to have to spend with your in-laws who, along with your wife (and you of course), sound like thoroughly unpleasant people,” one Redditor wrote.
Beggers can’t be choosers, friend. “Your mother and sisters seem willing to compromise (do dessert at your house) but you are unwilling. In the future, they may want to change it up, but not this year,” someone else pointed out.
“You can’t force the rest of the family to give up on their traditions to make you happy when they enjoy the bigger Thanksgiving,” another person wrote. “Sounds like they’re not upset you don’t want to go and are more than happy to stop for dessert.”
Sorry OP, but you look like a clown.
In your mind, it was going to be a magical Thanksgiving and the start of a long-standing tradition. But Redditors believe you should have extended an actual invitation. Telling your family you come to the whole meal or else is pretty childish. There was a misunderstanding this year, and people made other plans.
Redditors want you to be an adult and let your family do what they want. There is plenty of time before next year to invite your family and make a solid plan together. This year, just be happy to enjoy some dessert — if they even decide to show up.
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