In my life, there have been many important questions asked of me. For one, when I was a kid, my mom constantly checked in to see if I’d changed my underwear. As I grew up, that question was replaced by more adult queries like "Can I see your ID?" or "Is that your natural hair color?" However, the number one most asked question has been this: "When are you getting pregnant?" I get how the other inquiries were (mostly) necessary, but I never got how my reproductive habits were anyone’s business but my own.
“When are you having kids?” The grocery store clerk asked.
That one might’ve been my fault. We were chatting while I was buying food staples and I mentioned that I’d recently gotten married. After congratulating me on my state of newly wedded bliss, the clerk then price-checked the eggs I was buying. Her next thought instantly flew to my reproductive state and she asked, “When are you having kids?”
I could feel my face go hot. I stammered an embarrassed “I don’t know,” took all my eggs, and left.
I assumed I’d successfully avoided that nosy question forever, but I was naive.
Soon after that food shopping fiasco, I noticed a questionable trend: It kept happening. While buying a cup of coffee, a stranger and I would politely chat about muffins. Of course, the next logical question was “Are you planning on having a baby?” When I answered that I hadn’t given it much thought, I was met with a confused look and an abrupt end to the conversation.
The only people not asking me about my future pregnancy plans were the ones who were traditionally supposed to — my parents.
Maybe they didn’t want grandkids, but I suspect the truth was more that they understood what strangers (and some friends) did not: This decision wasn’t any of their business.
As time went on, the questions about whether or not I was called to be a mom continued. I felt cornered and annoyed each time I was asked.
People’s expectations of me to fill a certain maternal role triggered an underlying rebellious streak.
I was shocked because, until that point in my life, I got nervous if I wore white after Labor Day. But with each assumption, I could feel my stomach turn, and I turned away from wanting a family because it was somehow presumed I would.
Truly, I never expected to answer the "Are you expecting?" question, but eventually I did.
It was my parents who showed me how — they had no expectations of me and that gave me the space to figure out what I wanted. When I was able to release everyone else’s desires, I found my answer and was surprised to discover it was “yes.” It may have taken a little while, but I came to motherhood on my terms and wouldn’t have it any other way.
