How many days have you spent entirely in the company of someone who can't feed herself and is not old enough to be both awake and alone in a house, yet has strong opinions on everything and no filter?
Wouldn't this mom gig be easier if you had a posse of girlfriends to help you appreciate the words of wisdom, cuteness, and innocent cruelty that come out of that babe's mouth? Or to tell you to calm down? Perhaps to take your side once in a while in this game where you have to always act like an adult and your tiny sidekick never does?
Failing that posse, light one of these candles. It'll help.
Maybe the toddler has won this round, but you have this.
This mom/child relationship isn't fair. You have to be the grownup and say things like, "Now darling, that's not a nice thing to say," in response to comments such as, "Was there electricity when you were a child?"
Or perhaps this tiny companion of yours has just thrown a plate of spaghetti with red sauce at you, and you have to respond with reasoned, calm, instructive words and deeds. (You can't even storm out of the house and not come back for three hours!)
Light this "I Feel Personally Victimized by My Own Child" candle ($29.95). It's the psychic antidote. It carries the message you want to express. And it smells terrific. The kid can't read, so you aren't hurting anyone.
This is what your posse would tell you right now.
That child of yours knows how to push your buttons. It may be the one thing he is an expert at right now. He knows that jumping out of his car seat and hiding in the car while you are standing there holding groceries will set you off. But what if he locks all the doors, too?
Yes. You could completely lose it. Or you could remember that watching you completely lose it is what he's shooting for. Open the box of cookies in that bag of groceries and eat them just out of reach. And after you win this round (or even if you don't), give him a time-out and light this candle with the message "Girl, You Need To Calm the F Down" ($29.95) and the delicious scent of earth, bark, and Japanese cherry tree blossoms.
Time-outs are for you, remember?
Give this as a baby shower gift.
Wrap up both candles up and give them as a baby shower gift. They may not be as practical as a breast pump or car seat, but they will make everyone laugh. And a few years from now, the recipient will realize that you knew what you were talking about as she lights them to recover from one of the daily trials of being a mom.
Girl, Calm Down is $29.95.
I Feel Victimized is also $29.95.
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