Siblings share a special bond. When one of them gets married, it can get tricky if one of them doesn't approve of the other's new love. Should they spill the beans, tell them the truth and talk them out of it? A Letter Writer wrote to Slate's Care and Feeding parenting advice column about this particular dilemma.
The LW's sister is in the process of divorcing her husband and just got engaged. At first, LW was excited for her. But then as time went on, they discovered that their sister's new guy has gambling problems, drinks until he blacks out, and believes in "traditional gender roles." He is one big red flag, according to LW.
The worst part was when their sister shared with them what his ex-wife told her. LW explained: "His ex-wife told my sister that during their marriage, he socially isolated her and was so controlling that she now suffers from PTSD."
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LW is also afraid for their 8-year-old niece, even though she likes the guy.
"I have an 8-year-old niece who's going to be living with them half the time. She already deals with anxiety, and having an overbearing stepfather who expects perfection while he drinks the evening away is too close to what my sister and I dealt with growing up."
LW worries that this is only because they're not married yet and have not moved in together. Things could change after the wedding. LW shared that their sister has only shared this information with them; however, they end with the following question and signed off as "Wondering When To Spill": "Do you think I should share what she's told me in private with anyone, or hope for the best?"
Slate's advice columnist puts it this way ...
"If your sister goes into this marriage (which she seems determined to do) feeling like her whole family and her ex are against her, it will be easy for her to become distant from you all and defensive of her new spouse," wrote Allison Price.
Price added that it's important to consider where the information is coming from. The ex-wife might be a biased source, and the columnist wondered whether LW should involve the brother-in-law.
"I would tread very carefully here, even though your alarm bells are going off, and only share with your parents if you are sure they can also take measured approaches with your sister. At this point, I wouldn't involve the brother-in-law," Price advised.
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Price also suggests giving the sister a safe space without judgment.
She added that the LW should be there for help and support instead of trying to talk her out of the wedding. This will create trust between LW and the sister and ensure she comes to them in case things get bad. She gave advice on how to approach the niece.
"If she feels embarrassed or thinks that you'll adopt an 'I told you so' attitude, it could be harder for her to leave if things get bad. And make space and time for your niece in all this," she suggested. "Start a regular hang-out routine with her and cultivate a one-on-one relationship. Be a trusted family member to her and stay vigilant for any changes you see or hints she drops."
If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse, you can find help and support at DVIS.org, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or by contacting your local women's shelter (domesticshelters.org).
