There’s no doubt about it, raising children is hard. Whether it’s your first time or third, there are always stressors that come with being a mommy. For most moms, a mommy meltdown is inevitable at one point or another. Perhaps you haven’t slept in days or your newborn won’t stop crying — there’s a lot that could lead to an emotional breakdown.
Believe it or not, it actually happens to most moms and it’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Parenting isn’t easy and there’s no guidebook on how to do it either. We spoke with licensed therapists about what you can do to best manage a mommy meltdown and when it’s time to seek professional help.
What Is a Mommy Meltdown?
According to Michelle Felder, LCSW, MA, a licensed clinical social worker and CEO of Parenting Pathfinders, a mommy meltdown is an emotional outburst or an internal emotional crash that occurs when a mom feels overwhelmed, overstimulated, emotionally depleted, or unsupported.
“This can often occur after continuously carrying the weight of caregiving, household management, emotional labor, and personal expectations for an extended period,” Felder says.
It’s important to note that it’s not only mothers that experience these types of emotional overflows. Everyone can experience these intense emotional periods over the course of their lives. Here, we’ll examine it through the lens of mothers.
What Does Mom Overwhelm Look Like?
According to Stevie Blum, LCSW, psychotherapist and relationship specialist, mommy meltdowns look different for everyone but often involve becoming highly irritable, reactive, or “snappy.” Sometimes, they involve shutting down or withdrawing altogether. “Essentially, they happen when a mother reaches her ‘breaking point’ and expresses her emotions in a way that feels out of her control,” Blum tells CafeMom.
For one parent, it could mean crying in the bathroom with the door closed. For another parent, it could look like snapping at their friend or yelling at their child or partner. Other parents may spend these moments in silence or by withdrawing or shutting down. Felder notes that it’s important to remember that these intense moments don’t have to be loud — they can be experienced as quiet moments of unraveling.
How To Manage Mom Meltdowns
Now that you know you’re not alone in your mommy meltdowns, here are some tips on how to manage them in the future.
• Pause and Breathe
If it’s safe for you and your child to do so, step away from the situation or close your eyes.
“Take five deep belly breaths to help calm your brain and nervous system,” Felder says. “Then, practice self compassion – start by naming what you’re experiencing without judgement. You might say, “I’m having a really hard time right now,” “This is a tough moment,” “This is feeling overwhelming,” or “Parenting is hard.” Then, put your hand on your heart if that’s accessible to you, take a deep breath, and consider what authentic and kind phrase would be helpful to say to yourself in this moment. Perhaps its, “I’m a great mom, ” “I’m loving and kind,” or “May I be patient.”
• Ground Yourself
It can also be helpful to ground yourself by tapping into your available senses. According to Felder, try to identify things you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch in the moment. “You can try holding a hot cup of tea or cold cup of water, walking barefoot on grass, or tapping your skin along your body,” she suggests.
• Identify Your Triggers
Once you’re not actively in a meltdown, or perhaps on a day you’re feeling pretty well, consider thinking back to your last meltdown and identifying some potential triggers.
According to Blum, you’ll want to ask yourself what specific stressors are making you more susceptible to melting down.
“Understanding these patterns can help you intervene before she spirals into full meltdown mode,” she adds. “From there, you can consider what systemic changes might better support yourself. How can you create more space for yourself? What can you outsource to lighten your load? How can you express your needs more clearly?”
You can write these down and try to come up with a game plan to better support yourself when the time arises.
• Try to Set Better Boundaries
Jennifer Kelman, LCSW, licensed therapist and mental health expert on JustAnswer, says that moms that have diffuse boundaries may be more prone to these meltdowns as they may feel worn down by giving in and giving over. “Setting some boundaries with the kids and sticking to them can be very beneficial,” she says. “Oftentimes moms have a hard time caring for themselves and give endlessly to others so it is crucial that you do things for yourself that can heal and replenish you.”
When To Get Help
If you don’t feel like you can get started on your own in managing your mommy meltdowns, then professional help is always there for additional support.
Felder recommends seeking help from a licensed mental health professional if your emotional reactions and overflows are persistently interfering with your daily functioning. For example:
- You’re experiencing a significant impact on your functioning at home, work, school, or in your relationships.
- You’re developing new health problems or exacerbating preexisting ones.
- You experience a significant increase in anxiety or depression, or if your attempts to manage your emotions have been unsuccessful and the experience is beginning to feel unmanageable.
There are many mental health professionals out there who specialize in parenting and motherhood who are well equipped to help you navigate this new chapter of your life.
Don’t want to see a therapist right away? You can try to connect with other moms through online platforms or in an in-person support group. Sometimes talking with other moms who have been there can be helpful in letting you know you’re not alone and oftentimes they’ll offer insights and words of wisdom that have helped them navigate mommy meltdowns in the past. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk with other moms who have been there. Typically, they can give you advice and pointers on how they worked through these meltdowns in their own lives and it gives a safe space to vent and know you’re not alone.
