Families come in all shapes, sizes, and types these days. Every household and the family dynamics within it are unique. For instance, in the case of a Redditor writing on the Am I the A–hole subreddit, his relationship with his 6-year-old biological daughter is like that of an uncle and niece. The girl is being raised by the original poster (OP)'s best friend, Brenda, and her wife; the OP served as their sperm donor. But now, the OP's girlfriend is taking issue with the situation, demanding that he no longer see his daughter.
The roots of the OP's friendship with Brenda go deep. He was the first person she came out to as a lesbian when they were in high school, he shared.
When they were 27, Brenda and her wife talked to him about wanting to start a family. "They asked if I would consider being their sperm donor because they wanted someone they trusted rather than a stranger and who'd be there when their child started to have questions about their donor," he noted.
The OP was honored and agreed to do it.
"It felt good to help people I care about start their own family. We went through the whole process and a year later, Brenda gave birth to their daughter, Lucy," he wrote. "Since she was born, I've always been present in her life and we have a great uncle/niece type relationship. The three of us have been happy with how things are, and they're glad I'm close with Lucy. She's already been told of how she came into the world (without the full details) and while she knows I 'helped' build their family, I'm still Uncle Steven to her."
Three years after Lucy was born, the OP started dating his current girlfriend.
"I didn't tell her about Lucy til four months in, and it took her time to process this but she eventually came around," he explained.
Well, now, it's been three years, and they're making wedding plans. "Last week was Lucy's 6th b-day, and we both were at their house," the OP shared. "After cake was cut, we all started taking pics. I told my GF to come so we both could get one with Lucy, but she said no. Didn't think nothing of it until I noticed she was distant and hardly interacting with anyone."
The couple talked once they got home, and the OP's girlfriend said she didn't feel comfortable with him seeing Lucy anymore.
She said "it still felt weird that I donated sperm, and now I'm playing a role in her life when donors don't do that," according to the OP.
"This was a shock to me because she never brought it up before. When I said I wasn't gonna stop, she got frustrated and it became a huge fight. She didn't understand why I had to be in Lucy's life and it felt unfair that she has to share me with someone who's not my legal responsibility."
The girlfriend even asserted that perhaps the OP and Brenda had sex and were covering up an accidental pregnancy with a donor story, which is why he's involved.
"I get we were both angry but asking that was out of line," the OP noted. "I told her I'll never cut off my relationship with them and left our apartment. She's still been trying to convince me for days and to also consider her feelings in all this."
The blowup left the OP questioning who is right.
"To her, it's unreasonable to choose a kid that'll never truly be mine over her: someone I can have a future and a family with," he wrote. "I feel bad that she feels this way, but it seems like she's not being fair either. It's been rough, and I don't know who's right or wrong. She's making me feel like the bad guy here, and I need a neutral party's help."
Redditors quickly jumped in to assure the OP that his girlfriend is the one being unreasonable.
The top commenter wrote, "Wow. Your girlfriend is angry you have a relationship with your BIOLOGICAL CHILD. You are not the a–hole, and you DO NOT want to have any kind of permanent relationship with someone who would sever your ties to your biological child. Run, and run NOW."
"When a person tells you who they are, believe them," another person advised. "She's telling [you] that her needs are always going to come before yours, even to the point of making you sacrifice relationships that are dear to you."
A few people questioned the OP's decision to wait four months before explaining his situation.
"Please disclose sperm donor role, how it was done and your relationship with the two mothers within the first few dates," one person commented. "Don’t wait until FOUR months. My God! Now what else do you have hidden?"
Another noted, "You're the a–hole for waiting so long to tell your girlfriend about Lucy" but also acknowledged that this would be "a good reason to end a relationship with someone and if it comes to that, the next woman you date needs to be told about Lucy before the first date."
Later in the comments, the OP added that Lucy, her moms and he are like their "own little family" and his girlfriend "doesn't like that our lives would always be linked with theirs, which again still doesn't make sense to me, because that is basically everyone's families." Truth.
If he still believes that his girlfriend is as much his family as Lucy and her moms, then here's hoping he can hash it out with her, perhaps with the help of a couples' therapist.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
