If you are a parent and you are starting to contemplate the life-changing decision that you and your children may be better off if you and your partner were living separately and/or got a divorce, there are ways to go about this decision without causing extreme trauma for all parties involved, especially children.
Take it form me, a certified co-parenting coach who has dedicated my life's work to helping parents keep their children out of conflicting situations, children deserve the freedom to just be care-free kids.
So, for those considering divorce, here are 10 things to think about as you start this journey.
Will my child(ren) be OK?
This is one of the things that keeps many parents up at night and many times ends up being something that actually causes conflict between the parents (that’s because each parent has a different idea of what is best for their kids! Children Can Be OK if they do not experience parental conflict (or negativity against a parent) and when one or both of their parents help them learn healthy life skills to navigate situations in their life.
For example, the parents disagree on the foods that are healthiest for their children to eat during the marriage and this is causing conflict within the marriage. Let’s say, one parent believes a plant-based, all organic diet is the best diet for their child and the other parent wants their children to eat meat and doesn’t prioritize eating only organic foods. A way to handle this conflict and to support the children, when the parents are living in separate homes, would be for each parent to provide the food they choose in their home (without any discussion about it) and for each parent to individually help their children identify how the food they are eating in each of their homes makes them feel (meaning: can they sleep, can they think, do they feel like they have energy, do they feel tired, etc.) so that over time, the children understand what foods make them feel good and choose on their own what foods they want to eat.
As a parent, it may be difficult to allow your kids to experience both diets and choose for themselves the diet that works best for their body. But not creating conflict over this difference is a gift you can give your children. (Side note: suspected food allergies can be identified and handled by engaging a medical doctor and/or nutritionist and conducting allergy testing to learn what foods the children are allergic to. Using an outside professional and allowing the professional to communicate to the child about the allergy while both parents are present can also be a way to avoid parent conflict for the child.)
Divorce or living in two separate households is not the end of the family from a child’s perspective.
A child’s family will always be their family! To help your children adjust to the change of the family structure, the best support you can provide to your kids is to understand and embrace this concept and to help teach your children skills and tools to navigate the family dynamic change positively. Because after all, life is full of changes.
Co-parenting is a learned skill.
And it's likely one that all parents (unless they’ve been divorced previously) are not quite sure how to handle until they are a co-parent. Look to find a professional who focuses on co-parenting and give yourself and your co-parent some grace. It’s not easy to learn something new as an adult!
Become clear on your parenting values, beliefs, and desires for your children.
Where possible, having a discussion about these values before or during the parenting plan discussions will help your co-parenting relationship in the long run. For example: what is an acceptable age for your children to have an electronic device, how many hours on the device, how much involvement in extracurricular activities versus just downtime to relax, when can the children stay home alone or go with friends alone, and many other important subjects to face.
Negotiate the uncoupling of the marriage contract.
Set up the new business partnership contract called co-parenting. The uncoupling of the marriage contract really has a specific end date. However, creating the Co-Parenting Business Contract (the parenting plan), will be for the rest of a parent’s life. A helpful way to think about your Co-Parenting Business Contract is to imagine your children when they are 25, 30, 35, 40 and ask yourself these questions:
- What do I want my children to experience when they graduate from college, get married, have their own children?
- How do I want them to think about me (their parent) and their family at these important moments in their life?
When you reframe negotiating your new parenting plan to be "What Do I Want My Children’s Experience To Be," you will be more prepared to make decisions in the moment that will support your children in the future.
There are many different divorce processes for parents who are divorcing or choosing to end their partnership.
The key is to find the divorce process that will work best for you. Do your research and understand the various processes and how they are different and then find a professional who has been practicing for some time in the process that you think will work for you. At a high level, here’s a list of divorce processes to learn more about:
- Do-it-yourself
- Mediation
- Arbitration
- Amicable divorce
- Collaborative divorce
- Litigation
Consider a third person’s point of view.
To help you determine the divorce process that will be best for you and your family, consider taking a step back and looking at the relationship dynamic you have with your other parent from a third person’s viewpoint.
Maybe ask yourself this question: In the best of times in our relationship, how did we resolve conflict? Being very clear on if you were able to resolve conflict collaboratively while you were happily together or if you were never able to resolve conflict in your relationship will help you understand the level of support you will need for your divorce. Also, this will help you when you interview professionals because you will be able to share with them exactly the type of support you are looking for.
Whether you are feeling excited about starting a new life or the divorce is coming as a shock to you, everyone in the family will still go through the emotional grief cycle (even your children).
Understanding this and recognizing this is the first step to moving through this grief cycle. Becoming aware of your emotions, triggers, and ability to process through your emotions individually is probably one of the biggest gifts you can provide your children. Your children will have their own emotions about the loss of the intact family and living in two separate homes rather than one.
Your soon-to-be co-parent will have their feelings also. Keeping your emotions separate and processing through those emotions on your own time will support your children and will help you think more clearly as you are beginning your negotiations.
Find the right support system.
Many people in the beginning stages of considering divorce start asking friends questions they know whom have been divorced themselves. While some of the information will be useful to begin hearing, be aware that friends, family, and colleagues who provide their insight will be sharing their information through the lenses of their relationship dynamic (which you will never truly know all the details about).
Alternatively, going to a legal professional to ask for their legal opinion before you have determined the divorce process. The professional you speak with many not be suitable to handle your situation. Taking the time and finding professionals and learn the information you need to make the best decision for you and your children will help you and the divorce negotiations go more smoothly in the end.
Before you begin any negotiations, reflect.
When the negotiations of your divorce and the co-parenting business contract are over, do you have the skills and tools you need to keep your children out of parent conflict and support them so they have the opportunity to love and be loved by both of their parents? If you answer no, then consider speaking with a co-parenting coach prior to hiring your legal team. After all, your legal professional will not be in your life helping you co-parent on a day-to-day basis once the divorce has been finalized.
Divorcing or deciding to live in two separate homes is a life-changing event. Taking the time to fully understand the process and learn the skills you will need to co-parent after the negotiations are over will be the best decision you can make for you and your children. Think about it, would you ever decide to buy a home for yourself and your children without doing all the research and learning everything you need to know? How you handle your divorce and the process will be on display for your children and will be an important model for how to handle life’s transitions.
Janet Price is a Certified Divorce Specialist, Conscious Co-Parenting Coach, Certified Co-Parenting Specialist, & Certified Life Coach of JP Coaching & Consulting who empowers loving parents to rise above the ‘crazy making’, learn the tools to navigate co-parenting, and build skills so they are able to keep their children out of the middle!
