“Subtlety may deceive you; integrity never will.” — Oliver Cromwell
Ask any marriage counselor, therapist, or life coach about what the hardest part of their job is and I’d be shocked if they didn’t say that it can oftentimes be utterly exhausting to get people to see the subtle things that could ultimately lead to the demise of their relationship. Because believe you me, while finances, relatives, and feeling like you no longer have things in common anymore still top the reasons-for-divorce list, I’m about to share with you some other things that go overlooked, far more than they ever should.
I’m hoping that (at least) skimming over the points I discuss will give you and your partner something to ponder when it comes to safeguarding your union. Because the reality is, more often than not, it’s not the “big things” that lead to break-ups … it’s the “little ones” that tend to wreak the most havoc.
Conversations Are in the 'Kiddie Pool'
The kiddie pool is typically for children or people who can’t swim, right? It’s shallow water by design. OK, now carry this over into a relationship. I can’t tell you how many husbands have told me that they don’t “go deep” with their wife (anymore) because it either turns into an interrogation or an argument. And so, in response, they decide to keep things at around two- to three-word answers, no matter what the topic is. That way, they can avoid all of the potential drama.
Yeah, this isn’t good because another huge cause of marriages ending is poor communication. If you and yours aren’t sharing what’s on your minds — including how you really feel — there’s going to be a mental and/or emotional disconnect at some point. Usually sooner than later.
This is why it’s so important to schedule in meditation time/coffee or tea “dates” in the morning and/or walks after dinner/pillow talk at night. Be intentional about setting some time aside, daily, where you ask each other, “Hey babe, how are you?” and then really listen for the answer — without berating or judging. Folks tend to go out into deeper waters when they feel safe in them (if you know what I mean). And that happens when the stage is set for connecting in this way and then making your partner feel like if there is anyone they should come to with their deepest thoughts and feelings … it’s you.
There’s a Nonchalance About Spirituality
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” One definition of spirit is “the principle of conscious life." One definition of spiritual is “closely akin in interests, attitude, outlook, etc." I appreciate both of these breakdowns because they’re reminders that your spiritual being isn’t about religion, it’s about tapping into the parts of your soul that can make the quality of your life better.
When it comes to marriage, if you and your partner are not proactive and intentional about learning more about each other’s interests and outlooks on life, that can be detrimental on a myriad of levels. For one thing, being married doesn’t mean that you lose all of your individuality. So, even if you don’t share the interest(s) of your spouse, you should at least support them. And as far as their outlook goes, it’s hard to walk with someone when you’re unsure of the direction that they are headed in — and their outlook can actually shift as they evolve.
Next point. Did you peep how attitude plays a role in spirituality too? This really could be an article all on its own but some signs that you and/or your spouse could stand to have an attitude realignment include:
- You’re moody
- You’re controlling
- You’re overly sensitive
- You’re unteachable (can’t be corrected over or held accountable to much of anything)
- You’re unforgiving
- You’re bitter
- You’re unrealistic (including when it comes to your expectations)
- You’re inconsistent
All of these things can play a direct role in how you feel which plays a direct role in how you act. And none of these “attitude issues” will help a relationship to flourish. That’s why, focusing on the spirituality component of your union isn’t only advisable, it’s highly unnecessary as well.
You Assume You Know Everything About Your Spouse
It’s pretty cocky to think that you know everything that you need to know about your spouse (or your kids). In fact, the moment that you find yourself in that headspace is often when life will throw you the ultimate curve ball and humble you.
That’s why I’ve always appreciated the fact that the Bible says that when a husband and wife are joined in marriage, the two will become one (Genesis 2:18-25). It doesn’t say that they are one because becoming is a process — a process that doesn’t ever really end because people are always transforming.
Getting too comfortable in what you think you know could cause you to be shocked one day when your spouse reveals something from their past or present that you were totally unaware of. That’s why you should assume nothing. Ask. Communicate. Listen. Stay open and flexible. You signed up to intimately learn about someone for the rest of their life, not to believe that you’ve already got all of the facts and details. Trust me, you don’t.
You’re Low-Key Envying Other Relationships
When I was growing up, while my mother never came right out an admitted it, I know for a fact that there was a couple she envied because they appeared to have more than we did. More specifically, the husband was constantly buying his wife things. Hmph. You know what else was going on? He was cheating on her. How did I know? One of his children told me.
Journalist Harold Coffin once said, “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.” So true, so true. And here’s the thing — if you’re constantly looking at what you think other people have in their relationship that you don’t, all that does is breed resentment, which cultivates walls. Besides, envy is birthed out of comparisons and how would you feel if your spouse was constantly comparing you to other people or relational dynamics?
A motto that I unapologetically live by is “originals are incomparable." I don’t spend — rather waste — time worrying about or caring if there is prettier or smarter because I am an original. You can’t top that. Each and every marriage is original, too. It’s one thing to have marriage mentors (people who you look up to who can help you along the way) but avoid comparing or envying other couples. You don’t know everything about them (no matter how much they tell you). Besides, all of that energy could go into making your marriage better — better on your own terms not according to someone else’s standards (or social media pages) that only show you the “edited version” of what they have going on.
Intimacy Isn’t Prioritized
Tell me something. Do you have time to eat? Do you have time to bathe? Do you have time to catch up with your girlfriends on the phone or surf your social media apps? Then how is it that so many people claim that they don’t “have time” for intimacy with their partner? What kind of sense does that make?
The reality is that there is always time for what we prioritize and unfortunately, intimacy doesn’t top the list for a lot of couples (or one half of a couple). That’s sad because when two people vow to marry and “be faithful to each other,” being faithful isn’t just about not being physically intimate with someone else; it’s also about being consistently intimate with your partner, too.
In fact, it can’t be said enough that sex should be treated as a staple in a marriage. That’s because it’s one of the few things that sets a marital dynamic apart from every other relationship there is. That said, how often two people are intimate varies (many reports share that healthy marriages have sex around once a week). Yet if it’s been months since there’s been some hanging off the chandeliers or even just a couple of quickies in the morning, you shouldn’t ignore that. So long as both individuals are physically capable (and/or there aren’t serious issues within the relationship and if that’s the case, you should speak with a professional), a lack of sex means there’s a lack of prioritizing it — and that is something that the two of you should discuss as soon as possible.
You’re Talking to Others More Than Your Spouse
People in my world know that I’m pretty word-literal. That’s why I always find it fascinating that so many folks think it’s weird when I say that I believe one’s spouse should be their best friend. I’m so serious about it that when my best friend got married, I demoted myself to “good” friend status. Why? Because I know that best means “of the highest quality, excellence, or standing” and “most advantageous, suitable, or desirable." Why in the world would you commit to sharing your life with one person while seeing others as being of a higher quality or standing or being more suitable to or desirable than your partner? Why indeed.
For those who prefer to skim and not read closely, by no means am I say that your spouse should be your everything (no human should be that) or that other people don’t help to bring balance into your life. At the same time, if you’ve got folks that you run to speak to and share things with while your partner is third or fourth on your list — that is a huge red flag. The way to get to the root of why I say that is to ask yourself why your partner isn’t your ultimate go-to.
Is it due to a lack of trust? Is it because you enjoy talking to others more? Is it because you never really made friendship a priority in your marriage (you’d be amazed by how common that actually is)? Do you see how all of these are pretty problematic?
I have a friend who is engaged as I’m typing this. He’s told me often that he loves his fiancée but she’s not exactly his “favorite” person. Dude. Favorite means “a person or thing regarded with special favor or preference” and I don’t know about y’all, but it seems to be that your spouse — the person who you chose to marry — should be treated with special favor and preference. The question is … are they? And if they aren’t … why aren’t they?
The Love Is There. The Like Is 'Iffy,' Though.
There are a few hills that I will die on. One of them is if a married couple is in trouble yet they still like each other, I believe that the relationship is totally salvageable. It’s when they love each other but don’t like each other anymore that things are really in a dark place.
Why do I feel this way? Because when you like someone, you enjoy spending time with them. When you like someone, you have things in common with them. When you like someone, you typically feel good in their presence. Like is the foundation of friendship and when a couple are friends, they can get through, pretty much anything. Like most friendships do.
That’s why, whenever a couple who’s at their wit’s end comes to me for help, one of the first things I ask is, “Do you still like each other?" If they say “yes” and follow that up with “We’re just not ‘in love’ anymore," I tend to be like, “Oh, that’s totally fixable.” I say that because all of the butterflies and Hallmark movie-esque feelings that folks have in the beginning stages of their relationship — those are like a roller coaster (sometimes they’re unpredictable). They come and they go. On the other hand, liking someone tends to be more constant and consistent. So, if we can build on like, love typically tends to return.
I don’t know very many people who say, “I’ll marry you, but I plan on divorcing you, too.” What I do encounter quite a bit is, “I married you, we’re on the verge of divorce and I don’t know how we got here.” And that’s why I wrote this all out — so that you can see how it’s rather easy to be in serious trouble — not because someone did “obvious” things like cheat or abuse but due to more subtle matters like the seven right here.
So, if you see yourself or your marriage in any of this, please talk to your spouse about it. Don’t wait. Small things become big things when they’re ignored. Small things can also be fixed when they’re addressed.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
