Not everyone understands the world's obsession with Fifty Shades of Grey. At first look, it seems like just another cheesy, romance novel. Well, it has become so much more than that for one simple reason. That best-selling book series has given millions of women a tantalizing peek into a taboo world. In fact, it has inspired readers to think about sex in an entirely different light.
Problem is, most people are still too shy or just too clueless about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism) to create their own Red Room of Pain-inspired nights. So we've enlisted the help of an expert to show you how to bring whips, chains, and nipple clamps into your bedroom. New York-based dominatrix Mistress Darcy (mistressdarcy.com) walks The Stir through how to turn "vanilla sex" into a passion so hot it would make Anastasia Steele jealous.
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If you are intimidated by the thought if it, that's normal. Before Mistress Darcy was Mistress Darcy, she too had many reservations. "I thought it was pretty freaking weird," she admits. But if something about Christian Grey's sex sessions jumps out at you, "that little tickling in your tummy that's saying, 'This is interesting' is a sign. That’s a flag going up that deep down somewhere that you might actually really be into this." Though she admits, it's not always easy for a women to ask her man to get kinky, so here is how to get started.
Has Fifty Shades of Grey inspired you to liven up your sex life?
Step 1
First of all, it's important to understand the role you will play in a real life Fifty Shades fantasy. Are you interested in exploring your dominate or submissive side? Or both, which, in that case, is called a "switch"?
Word Play
Start by reading more about bondage domination/domination submission or by watching kinky movies. "Talk with your partner about the things that interest you," advises Mistress Darcy. "Or read it together, maybe do a book club thing. Go off and read it on your own. Come back and talk about what interested each of you and together agree, 'Oh we both liked the part where the girl got her hands tied behind her back.'"
Accessorize
Invest in some toys. Since bondage equipment can be quite pricey, start by buying an inexpensive, $5 pair of handcuffs or a silk sash. "Try it the next night," she says. "If it really worked for you, use the handcuffs until they break and then you buy a more expensive pair."
Sneak It In
Not everyone is up for the direct approach. "So if you are a little bit on the shy or ashamed side when it comes to sex stuff, don’t talk about it at all," she advises. "Just simply bring it into the bedroom the next time you start to have sex. Without speaking about it, just slip the little bonds over your wrists and carry on."
It's a great way to introduce it in the heat of the moment. And what's he gonna say? Stop! Turn on the lights! Unlikely. "Talk about it afterwards," she says. "He may say, ‘You know, that kinda really didn't work for me. I wish I was the one that had my hands tied!’ Or ‘I really loved it. Let’s do it again.’ Or you don’t talk about it and you just keep doing it again and again, bringing in more and more gear every time you have sex."
Sexy Surprise
You can also just lay a bunch of bondage accessories on the bed for your partner to see when he comes in. "When he asks what it's about and what it’s for, I don’t think you need to say anything. Just say it is what it is and ask him what he thinks about it," she instructs.
Spanking 101
"Many people do not understand corporal punishment," explains Mistress Darcy. "It's the standard term for being hit on your butt whether it's with your hand, a flogger, or a cane. But people who have not experienced it themselves don’t understand what it does for somebody else. There are several aspects that make it erotic. One is the idea of being overpowered and punished. Some people really get off on the discipline."
But there is a right way and a wrong way to spank, she warns. If you just start hitting someone at full force, it's more likely to terrify than titillate. "I teach couples the proper warmup and get them to a point where the chemicals in their brain take the experience from painful to pleasurable," she says. "And then, I am telling you, it is possible to reach a state of euphoria from simply being spanked that you've never felt before on your first time if you know what you are doing."
1. A proper warmup is essential, especially for someone who doesn't have a lot of experience with corporal punishment.
2. You want to get blood to the surface of the skin because the more red your skin is, the more blood that is flowing, the less it is going to hurt, and the more pain you are going to be able to take. You can rub it, pat it, do light taps, or squeeze. You can alternate between light and harder touches gradually building up the intensity.
Time Out
A lot moms have almost forgotten about their sexual identity after they have kids. "If you are saying to yourself that you are too stressed out and how are you supposed to make time for sex, well, hello, sex eases stress," says Mistress Darcy. "So you are doing yourself and your career a favor by just relaxing a couple hours a week at minimum. You can even do a 20-minute quickie spanking before breakfast."
**Just never leave your tools around for the kids to see. Some of them are weapons, after all.
BDSM Starter Kit
Mistress Darcy recommends a collar and a leash, rope for bondage, a blindfold, wrist cuffs, panties for him or her, vibrator, dildo, ball gag, clothespins, or pegs, flogger, paddle, and chastity belt for the submissive male.
Head Games
It's not always about tools and toys. On a basic level, domination/submission (or Ds) is a power exchange. "You can get inside their head, making someone feel erotically inferior to you," she says. The best part is, it's not limited to the bedroom.
She suggests coming up with sexy exchanges you can even do at the breakfast table that no one else will notice. "Ds is a lot about codes and a language you develop with your partner," says Mistress Darcy. "You could have it worked out that a certain look means something to you."
For instance, if your husband looks at you a certain way and then looks at something on the floor, that means pick it up and bend down in front of him so he can get a glimpse of your rear. "That kind of interaction can be completely erotic," she says. "If he taps his coffee mug when it is empty, that means get me some coffee you saucy little minx. Or exchange text messages at work with a key phrase like, 'I am coming home in three hours and I want you to be ready for me.' Super easy and super fun."
