We've learned to see men as sex machines: Always ready to go, simple to operate, and always in control. But the reality could not be more different! Men are a lot less secure than we realize — but also more complex and more hungry for emotional connection. It turns out, the answers to the question "what do men want in bed" can be very surprising for women to hear, according to sex counselor Eric M. Garrison. So, what did he tell us about men and sex?
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There are lots of articles out there discussing women and their sex drive, their fantasies, and what they do and do not want in the bedroom. But as for the guys, things seem to be a little quieter. Men are less willing to share what's up in general and when it comes to discussing their fantasies or desires…well that happens too infrequently. Eric Garrison assures us that not only do men have desires and fantasies that are more complex than one would think, they are just as insecure as we are when it comes to the finer points of getting down. So we asked Eric to give us a little insider knowledge into what men are really thinking when things get heated.
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Take a look at the surprising facts and insights that he highlighted for us, and go forth with wisdom for the next time it's time to get busy!
Fantasy Without Judgement
Men have all kinds of crazy, politically incorrect fantasies (and come on, we women do, too). They're afraid to bring them up because they fear we'll over-think the implications. For example, Garrison has a client who wants to engage in a cheerleader/coach fantasy. But the wife worried this meant he was a closeted pedophile. "I told her, the fantasy is with YOU. It's about the power dynamic and the costumes, not about having sex with children." So assure your man that you know the difference between fantasy and reality, and then open yourself to trying out a few.
Non-Threatening Sex Toys
Believe it or not, your sex toys intimidate men. They're afraid you'll love those good vibrations so much you'll decide men are inadequate in comparison. I've seen at least one woman confess she prefers her vibrator to sweaty, messy sex with her husband. But for most couples sex toys enhance your time together. Garrison encourages his clients to visit sex stores together and talk about the toys that interest each person the most. Even if you don't buy those toys, you learn a lot about what turns each other on.
Sex That's Not Tied to Orgasm
Some of Garrison's clients struggle with premature ejaculation. Maybe one man's wife unzips his pants, and zoing! It's all over before it begins. And other men (believe it or not) have performance anxiety and may not climax at all. Either way, Garrison thinks men and women both would benefit if we stopped focusing so much on that orgasm. "Sex should be pleasure based, about having as much pleasure as possible, not a linear act that ends with orgasm."
"Tell each other, 'I really just want to please you,' or 'let's just please each other,'" he suggests. There are time in our lives when, for a variety of reasons, we can't have an orgasm. And that's perfectly okay. "Neither partner should think it's over just because he came quickly, or because he can't climax."
Backdoor Fun
We're talking anal play. This is a trend we've noticed lately, and Garrison says he's seeing it from his clients too. "They tell me, 'I really wish my girlfriend would play with my prostrate, or touch my ass more, but I'm afraid she'll think I'm gay.'" He says men are interested in giving anal play as well as receiving, but they don't know how to ask for it. Or they worry it's too "forbidden." They fear their partners will think they want to go all the way, with penetration. But there's a lot of simpler, less threatening things a couple can try.
Be Voyeurs
A surprising fantasy many men have is watching their partner masturbate — maybe while he's masturbating as well. But they worry women will find it creepy. "I think it's very educational," Garrison says. "You notice what really turns each other on, and you learn new ways to turn each other on." He describes how you can do this in his book, Mastering Multiple Position Sex.
Help Getting Turned On
While it's true that we're each responsible for our own orgasms, we all need help getting there. Men often have trouble asking their partners to do specific things to turn them on. You both need to have permission to say things like, "it would really turn me on if you could stroke my pecs."
Watch Porn Together
Garrison says some men would really like to ask women to watch porn with them, but with a catch — they want YOU to pick the porn so they can learn what you like. Men are actually fascinated to learn what turns women on, and this is a great way for them to find out. If you're not into the mainstream stuff, check out MakeLoveNotPorn.tv. (Link NSFW obviously.)
Post-Sex Chat
So … after you've made love men really, really, REALLY want to know how it went for you. It's a good idea to have that conversation once you're both ready. This is not a superficial "it was good for me, was it good for you?" chat. Instead, talk about what you noticed in specifics. "I noticed you stopped breathing when I stroked your knee. How was it making you feel?" Garrison suggests prompts like "I need less of [blank], I need more of [blank], and I really like it when you [blank]." By the way, this is a great way for couples to discuss anything, not just sex.
Third-Party Advice
Okay, this isn't exactly a fantasy, per se. But it is something men want more often than we realize. Some men are afraid of asking their partner to see a therapist or educator together. But it may be exactly what you need, both of you. This is especially true if you've been through divorces or breakups. "Men can keep taking the same baggage into new relationships, and making the same mistakes." Check out the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists to find someone near you. You can even do counseling via phone, if that's easier.
Getting Past Fear
A lot of sexual hangups can be attributed to fear. But what if we turned that around? Garrison counsels his clients to stop saying things like, "I'm afraid my wife will become addicted to her sex toys" and thinking "I want a great sexual relationship where my wife relies as much on me as myself." So when you or your man find yourself admitting fears, try putting that in a new sentence where you say what you WANT.
