Most couples go into marriage knowing they'll need to have serious heart-to-hearts about topics like money or kids or hopes for the future. But what about important conversations about things that are rather, well, unexpected?
Jamie from London, Ontario is a wife and the mother of a new baby girl. A year ago, she told her husband that she is bisexual. Here, she shares with us how that has changed her marriage in surprising ways.
When did you start to realize that you were attracted to both men and women?
I feel like I always knew I liked boys. Like, I had the regular crushes on cute boys when I was growing up, and I started dating in high school like everyone else. I don’t really think I thought about girls as an option because I never felt gay, even though I thought women were beautiful.
What changed for you?
When I was in college, I saw porn for the first time, and I was surprised at how turned on the lesbian stuff made me. But then I figure, well, duh, it is porn. Its job is to turn you on! My husband and I started dating in college, and I fell hard for him. I didn’t think about anyone else, because we were so in love, you know? We got married a few years later and settled into grownup life. Our marriage has been good, but about two years ago, I met a woman at work and over the course of a few months realized that I was really attracted to her. I never acted on it, but it forced me to realize I wasn’t as straight as I thought I was. And then when I got pregnant, I started having really intense sex dreams — best pregnancy side effect ever, right? — and they were all about women.
What made you decide it was time to tell your husband?
Bottom line? He is my best friend, and I love being married to him. I was super scared to tell him that I thought I was bi. I mean, we have loads of gay friends, so I know he doesn’t like think it is bad, but it is different when it is your wife. Ultimately, I just needed to be honest about who I was.
How did he react to the news?
At first, he was surprised and kind of upset. I think he thought I was going to tell him I’d been having an affair or that I wanted to have an affair or something like that. I felt like that conversation was as close as we’ve ever come to talking about divorce. But we realized that neither of us wanted a divorce, and we both still really loved each other. But there were tears shed for sure.
How has this changed your marriage?
In a lot of ways, I think we are closer now, actually. We’ve really opened up to each other about what turns us on sexually, which is a good thing. He encourages me to read lesbian erotica to get in the mood.
Do you feel disappointed that you haven’t had a chance to explore a relationship with a woman?
Right now, no. I mean, my hands are pretty full with having a little one, and I’m still super attracted and in love with my husband. We don’t want to have an open marriage, but I do think that the idea of a threesome might be on the table sometime in the future. We haven’t ruled that out, but we would talk about it A LOT before it would ever happen.
Realizing I’m bi has also helped me realize that my marriage is super important to me, so I think I could be okay if I never get to be with a woman. Maybe. I should never say never, but I can say it wouldn’t ever happen without my husband being on board.
What challenges do you think people face when they're bisexual and in a monogamous marriage?
Image via © iStock.com/Martin CvetkoviÄ�
