On an average day, I go to work for about nine hours and then come home and do the homework/dinner/bath/bedtime routine with the kids. Usually I crash on the couch at 9 p.m. and zone out with some bad TV. The honest truth? Sex is sometimes the last thing on my mind.
But I try to make sure it happens on a regular basis because I know that it is one of the ways my husband and I can stay connected and not feel like we are living as roommates.
If I compared our frequency right now to how often we got frisky as newlyweds — well, it wouldn't probably look so good. But I've come to believe that it really isn't about about much sex we are having. What matters more is how we feel about how much sex we are having.
I recently had the chance to ask some other women about what is really happening behind closed doors at their house and I was totally intrigued by how much difference there is from relationship to relationship in terms of both sexual frequency and satisfaction with the amount of sex couples are having.
From the semi-celibate-and-fine-with-it to those who yearn for more, read on for candid (but anonymous) truths about how much sex women are really having.
The Barometer
"Sex is a big barometer in our relationship. When things are good generally, we have sex two or three times a week. When things are tough, like when we were having some money issues last month, things went way down. Sex is really important to both of us, in terms of maintaining intimacy and overall enjoying each other's company. I don't want to live like roommates!"
More from CafeMom: 12 Sex Positions That Really Hit 'The Spot'
No Sex Here
"I'm currently not having sex with my husband. So my average per month is zero. I'm good with it since I'm not liking my husband much these days."
Better as Kids Get Older
"When our kids were little, we were lucky to have sex once a month or less. Now that they are older, it has been more like two or three times a week. I would be okay with once a week, but I am nice like that lately. He would have sex every single day if he had it his way, but he is nice that way too."
Killing My Self-Esteem
"We aren't having enough sex for me. He's always had a lower drive than me and when he went through a depressive episode this past year and a half, it was horrible. Having a husband with low libido can be very frustrating and messes with my self esteem in ways I would have never imagined."
Sex Stand-Off
"I think at our best, it averages out to about once every week and a half.
Since I've been visibly pregnant, I'd say it's like once every six to twelve weeks and I'm not okay with it. Same as last time I was [pregnant], but between my hormones and his issues with not being so turned on by the pregnant form, it's always a sexless standoff that lasts too long.
I had friends go through this before and thought their husbands were assholes. And then it happened to me. I know mine isn't an asshole, but damn if it doesn't just mess with you.
I'm super close with my mother-in-law and I actually talked to her about it last time around because it bothered me so much. His dad was the same way with her. WTF?"
Like Going to the Gym
"My kids stayed at my mom's Saturday night and we did it three times this WEEKEND! Heyyy!!
Otherwise, about once a week. I'm fine with that. He would like three times a week. For me, sex is like going to the gym. Hard to get there, but once you are there, you're happy you went. I fully force myself to do it sometimes. It's always worth it. It makes my life easier because sex is my husband's love language. So when I do him, he does the dishes.
I will say, though, that even after 10 years together, that guy can still knock my socks off!"
A Priority for Us
"We average about two or three times per week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The more we have it, the more we do it (like twice today!).
If we didn't have kids, we would have the drive to have it more often, but I'd say we are happy with this number. We find that sex keeps us both in good moods and out of depressed states so it's a priority for us."
Birth Control Blues
"Sex? What is sex? We aren't having much and my husband is certain that most couples are at least once a week, and I know he wishes it was higher.
It doesn't help that for the past year I have [had] two week-long periods and the other two weeks out of the month, I just don't want to be touched. Freaking birth control."
Sex Is a Love Language
"Our usual is about once every three weeks. He'd like three times a week but [there's] the tiredness and lack of libido big-time. Where's a drug for that?! It's definitely his love language, so sometimes I psych myself into it (because it's good when we do) knowing I'll get a week before he asks again. We also hardly see each other, so shower sex happens a lot to kill two birds."
Once a Month Club
"We're in the once a month club. He'd take more. I could be celibate. Prior to kids, we were probably once a week. To be fair though, we don't want more kids and I don't want to be on the pill. So there are two weeks of every month that's 'safe' for us to have sex anyway as we are unofficially using natural family planning as birth control."
Twice a Year
"We've had sex twice since conceiving my third child, who is now 13 months old. It's not that we don't love one another or lack any intimacy — we cuddle and kiss, and are best friends — but we are exhausted. All the time. We know it could be improved but also know it's temporary."
Too Lazy for Sex
"Our average? Twice a month or so. We'd both like more, but we're lazy and feel wiped out after kids/work/life. We both agree it'll get more regular as the kids get older (currently 1 and 3)."
More from CafeMom: 10 Unexpected Sex Positions For When You're Too Tired
Sex Improves Our Dynamic
"We average about once or twice a week and depends on what's happening at that time; sometimes it ends up being way more and other times way less. I have had times where I was just not at all interested but forced myself because it always helps our dynamic and my husband responds so much better after sex. We just generally get along better if we are having sex more often.
I am pretty okay with the amount but I wish I had more energy to have it more often, but it usually ends up being a toss-up between getting sleep or sex."
