Once a woman becomes a mother, that is **clearly** her sole purpose in life. Forget the 30+ years she spent as a runner, a painter, a friend — or whatever silly titles she may have had before. They are irrelevant now. And since one is a mother and a mother only, there are some rules she'd better follow. To fit her new role, she needs to look the part — and by that, we definitely mean society's strict version of what a mother looks like.
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We all know what when a woman has children she can no longer have long hair, she must only wear turtlenecks, and she has to really boost up her budget for good, full-sleeved tops. And forget trying to be sexy. We all know that mothers can only be dowdy or matronly. **No one** wants to see a sexy mom … (Can anybody tell that our eyes are rolling HARD over here?)
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The truth is, there are NO rules for what women should or should not wear, and that is also true of moms after baby comes. There is no reason why a woman can't dress however she wants once baby arrives. Here are a few totally not sarcastic* fashion no-nos that every respectable mother should avoid …
*Clearly, this means we're being sarcastic.
Moms can absolutely never wear full faces of makeup.
You existence is for your child and your child alone. How DARE you take time for yourself or do what makes you happy! Besides, what will the other mothers think if you dared to spend 15 whole minutes focusing on yourself?!
And you can just forget about short-shorts!
Now that you have children, you must wear knee-length cargo pants so you can better accommodate all of the things you'll need carry for them. Looking good and feeling fine were for childless days only, my friend.
Absolutely no bikinis on the beach.
I mean, how will your child take you seriously if you look sexy?! There's clearly no way to rail against our misogynistic society and teach them that women (including their mothers) are worthy of respect no matter how much skin they are showing. That's just too hard.
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Time to get those tattoos removed!
After all, if your children see you expressing yourself the way you see fit, they may become individual thinkers one day, and the whole 1984 plan will be RUINED.
No facial piercings either, ma'am.
Clearly your child will be embarrassed by you and won't love you. CLEARLY.
If your hair isn't a natural color, are you even a legitimate mom?
I mean, the color of your hair will TOTALLY impact your ability to be loving and provide for your child. Just look at how miserable she clearly is!
And your shoulders must be covered at all times.
If they were a distraction in school, you better believe they will cause a ruckus with the other mothers and fathers on the playground.
Bid farewell to your heels, too.
Moms need sensible shoes — how else will they keep up with their kids? Forget looking nice on outings; it's all about them now.
And absolutely NO. CROP. TOPS. EVER.
The miracle of life happened in that stomach — who would want to see it?
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