When it comes to love and commitment, more women than ever choosing not to get married. But that doesn't mean they aren't falling in love and choosing to make a life together with their partner, including sharing all the joys and frustrations of having kids, combining finances, and sharing a home.
I've been married for over a decade. I think of my partnership with my husband as the most critical relationship in my life and I hope we're in it for the long haul. But as I get to know more couples who've opted out of marriage, I sometimes find myself wondering if our life together would be any different if we hadn't tied the knot.
I never considered not getting married (yes, I wanted to rock the white dress and have the big party!) so I was curious about how women who've been in long-term non-married relationships think about what "happily ever after" means for them. I reached out to 20 women who, for personal, financial, and political reasons chose not to get hitched. They were more than willing to give me the inside scoop on their relationships. And believe me, their love isn't any less valid without that piece of paper. Read on for interesting insights about love and commitment from these happily unmarried women!
Love After Divorce
"We've both been married before, and both experienced the pain that comes with a nasty divorce, so we see no need to go down that road again. Love and partnership after a divorce is different. I don't have that rosy view of marriage as this happy thing. I don't need marriage to know our relationship works." — M.F., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
20 Years & Going Strong
"We've been partners for over 20 years now and I don't see that ever changing. We originally didn't get married out of solidarity with LGBT friends who couldn't get married. Now they can, but we don't want to! I don't see the need." — K.W., Tucson, Arizona
Matters to Us
"The only thing that feels frustrating about not getting married is that is seems to bug OTHER people. Look, I'm secure. Our relationship is rock solid. If we're OK, everyone else can eff off if they don't like it. And, yes, I'm mostly talking to my mother here!" — L.N., Brentwood, Tennessee
Money Matters
"My boyfriend of 11 years is awesome but his money situation when we met was HORRIBLE. He proposed once and I said 'no' because I wasn't ready to take on his money trouble or get my perfect credit wrecked. He's improved in that department but now I just don't care enough to get married. Let's leave well enough alone." — H.R., Lansing, Michigan
Blended Family Drama
"My boyfriend and I both have kids from our first marriages. I also get alimony that would stop if I got married again. There is a lot of blended family drama we avoid by not getting married or living with each other. But that doesn't mean we aren't committed for the long-haul! He's my soulmate!" — J.L., Orlando, Florida
The Insurance Challenge
"My partner and I have been together for 13 years not married. It’s never been any sort of issue until recently, when now I don’t qualify for his insurance, benefits and he doesn’t really have legal rights to our daughter. Plus taxes for two unmarried people that are mostly self-employed are brutal." — Y.Y., St. Paul, Minnesota
Feminist Ideal
"I don't want to get married — EVER. I think marriage is a dated social construct that benefits men and is set up to make women have to carry all the emotional labor of the family. Hard pass. Single with a long-term relationship is my feminist ideal, I guess." — R.S., Madison, Wisconsin
Why Rock the Boat?
"My partner and I have been together since we were both in grad school. We've lived together for 13 years are in the process of adopting our second kid. I'm not sure how marriage would change anything, especially since my company provides benefits for domestic partners. Why rock the boat now?" — S.D., Springfield, Illinois
Baby Is Binding
"I used to think I wanted to get married, but after 11 years, I've come to accept that a proposal just ain't coming. But honestly I think having a baby together is more binding than a marriage would be. You can get divorced but you'll never stop being parents of the same kid, you know?" — N.C., Waco, Texas
Keeping My Space
"My partner and I met when I was 42 and VERY used to living alone. I love him, I want to grow old with him, we now share a child, but I still have my own apartment and I don't want to give that up. I need my own space and a sense of freedom that I don't think I'd have in marriage." — P.H., Bend, Oregon
Second Chance
"I was actually married before — to the same guy I'm with now! We got married and divorced three years later (we were way too young). A couple of years ago we reconnected but I don't feel a need to get married again. Our life works better now than it did then. Clearly marriage didn't make a difference for us the first time, so why would it matter now?" — G.R., Phoenix, Arizona
Can't Afford It
"After nine years together, I'd kind of like to get married, but I can't afford to. I'd lose the benefits I'd get for being a single mom, like help with child care costs and stuff from the state. It doesn't make money sense to add his income to mine on paper. But I do think we'll be together forever." — K.A., Clay, West Virginia
Religious Rejection
"I don't [want to] get married because I think it is time that we stopped recognizing church ceremonies as a legal thing. You shouldn't get tax breaks because some priest made you kiss in front of your family. I think we should all just do legal partnership agreements with the state, and leave religion out of it. My boyfriend of 12 years agrees with me on this." — E.D., Portland, Oregon
Life Unexpected
"I've never wanted to be that person who just does what everyone expects. I like the idea of setting our own rules and for us that means staying together because we want to, not because we are legally bound." — A.T., Maplewood, Minnesota
Fourth Times a Charm?
"I LOVE my boyfriend and I want to grow old with him, for sure. But he's been married three times before. I just can't see being wife #4. I think marriage makes him feel trapped and then it all goes to hell. I'd rather be happy and unmarried." — J.F., Vail, Colorado
My Own Life
"For me, my relationship with my boyfriend (we've been together seven years now) is the icing on the cake but not the cake itself. Like, I have a lot of good stuff in my life: kick-ass job, good kid, cute condo that I would have with or without him. He just makes that stuff better. But I don't want him to be the center of my life and it feels like marriage would sort of force that. No thanks." — K.N., Dallas, Texas
Nothing Changes
"Marriage is just a social and legal construct. I don't think it would fundamentally change anything about our live together and we've been going strong for 17 years now. I'd consider it if our kids cared, but they don't." — T.E., Grimes, Iowa
We Can't Get Married
"Our situation is different. My girlfriend was married at 15 in her home country (where it would not have been OK for her to come out as gay) but left him when she moved to the US. We'd probably get married if we could, but she's still technically married. But we are just as committed, after eight years together, as any married couple." — C.S., Oakdale, Minnesota
Ebb & Flow
"We've been together 27 years! We have two kids and sometimes we've lived together and sometimes we haven't. Not being married gives us space to deal with the ebb and flow of our relationship. He's bipolar and sometimes I need space but I'll always love him." — M.A., San Jose, California
Someday, Maybe
"We're 26 and 27 and have one child together and have been together since we were in high school. I'd like to get married, maybe, but between student loans, kid costs, and trying to save for a house, we just can't afford a big wedding. But I know we'll always be together even if we never get there." — B.P., Brooklyn, New York
