Relationships are a lot of work, and no relationship is without its issues. But the ones that keep coming up again and again (or which throw a wrench in how happy a couple is together) are the ones that need addressing if the relationship is to survive. That’s where couples counseling comes in.
Conducted by a psychologist, social worker, or other licensed mental-health professional, couples therapy works uniquely within a dyad to get the couple communicating more effectively, listening more often, and finding empathy for the partner. Done correctly and with hard work on the couple’s part, couples counseling can help partners overcome almost any problem in the relationship.
“[Couples therapy] is the hardest form of therapy,” couples therapist and best-selling author Esther Perel told Psychology Networker magazine. It requires dedication from both the couple and the therapist, and while it doesn’t always provide the desired outcome both partners are hoping for, it can give them a new perspective, a new way to frame some of the problems that they arrived with.
“They’re there to get hope,” Perel said. “They’re there to think ‘My relationship can be saved.’”
For many couples, couples counseling does serve as the medicine they needed to save their ailing partnership; for other couples, it becomes a way to make the ending of a relationship that isn’t working much less painful and much less resentful. Either way, most couples say that going to therapy together definitely taught them something.
We spoke with a few women who went into couples counseling with a rocky relationship and left with renewed respect and passion for one another. We also found some Reddit accounts from women who got rewarding experiences for themselves and their partners by seeing a therapist. Here’s what they had to say.
"Having an Impartial Third Party Can Help Identify Areas Where We Can Improve."
“We are currently in relationship counseling to learn better communication skills. We want our marriage to keep being the best it can be and get better every day. Having an impartial third party can help identify areas where we can improve. We did premarital counseling before we got married. Best thing we ever did! Having said that — I also did premarital counseling with a previous fiance, and that one helped show me that wasn't the right relationship for me.”
— Cathline
"We Needed To Step Way Back and Talk About Everything."
“For my husband and I, neither of us had great childhoods, and so we are both, uh, complicated people, and we had gotten ourselves into a state where our issues were reacting off each other and making awful issue babies. (Example: Because of his childhood, he has a huge trigger about not feeling loved. Because of my childhood, I have a huge trigger about feeling pressured to express love. You can see how this was a problem.) We needed to step way back and talk about everything with an objective third party who could help us reframe and communicate it to each other.”
"It Immediately Puts a Spark Back in the Most Dull of Relationships."
“It is the best thing in the world. You don't even have to say something is wrong — it teaches you both life lessons in listening and communication. The emotional fulfillment you will get after a session immediately puts a spark back in the most dull of relationships. It is a great tool for ending unresolved arguments, getting your point across and heard, and realizing things you've overlooked that hurt your partner you never knew about.”
"If You Go Into It Together, With a Mindset of Being a Team, I Think It's a Great Tool.”
“My boyfriend of several years was very depressed and we were in a rough spot and saw a counselor together. I got a lot out of it, but I went in to it open-minded and wanting to get something out of it… can't say the same for him. … If you go into it together, with a mindset of being a team and accepting mistakes and wanting to work on things, I think it's a great tool.”
"It Helped Me Back Down and Feel Less Defensive/Angry/Resentful.”
“I was shocked by how much couples counseling helped us. This probably sounds terrible, but for me the really effective component of it was that it helped my husband gain insight into his own behavior, and what he should be doing differently if he wanted our marriage to be happier. One strategy that was great was that the counselor asked us to talk about the things we love about each other that made us believe in the other person as a life partner. Neither of us are very effusive people in general, so it was actually really moving to hear my husband say a bunch of nice things to me about me. That probably helped me back down and feel less defensive/angry/resentful.”
"I Felt Like Couples Counseling Gave Us Both a Platform To Discuss Our Problems."
“My ex-boyfriend and I went to couples counseling for about six months. It was honestly a great experience and I would recommend it to any couple struggling. We obviously didn't end up together, but I don't see that as an indicator for a good experience. We saw a therapist that specialized in couples counseling. She was unbiased and made us both feel really comfortable to discuss our issues. I felt like couples counseling gave us both a platform to discuss our problems. Communication was a big issue for us and having a facilitator there allowed us to express things that we probably wouldn't have otherwise. I believe that couples therapy allowed us to see that we weren't meant for each other. It opened our eyes to a lot of problems that the other person wasn't aware of and I think it gave us a safe space to let go. I'm so glad that we went because otherwise I think we would've stayed together for a long time trying to make it work.”
— Destiny
"It Can Provide a Safe Environment To Say the Hard Things."
“We decided to go to a few marriage counseling sessions and although the counselor was not amazing we were still able to get a lot out of it. I felt safe enough to explain to my husband why I don’t respond well to arguments and we came up with some strategies to help us argue in a healthy way. We learned some other things too but we got the most value from learning how to handle arguments. I would recommend it to anyone because it can provide a safe environment to say the hard things and keep everyone calm while discussing touchy situations.”
"We're Great Again.”
“My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and it hit my husband hard. He has a very close, loving family, unlike mine. The grief was taking such a toll on him that he ended up suffering anxiety and panic attacks and became increasingly short, snappy, and disgruntled. That affected us. I told him we needed to see a counselor and we did, and it was great for us. The counselor was great. She was able to address a lot of his grief and show him how it was translating poorly to our relationship. He wasn't even aware that he had been changing and taking his grief out on us. We only had to see her maybe a half dozen times. We're great again.”
"We Learned There's Nothing Seriously Wrong With Us."
“We went before we got married just to make sure everything was in good shape. Five sessions all in. Our therapist is mainly a sex therapist but she deals with pre-wedding counseling and marriage counseling as well. It was a really good experience for us. We learned things about each other that we would have eventually picked up but it was good to know before we got married anyway; we learned to better communicate, we tried out some things sexually that we wouldn't have otherwise probably, but most importantly, we learned there's nothing seriously wrong with us. We can make it work if we want to. That was pretty powerful.”
— LDN
"If a Car Needs a Tune-up, Why Wouldn't a Relationship?"
“I have been going to couples counseling with my [significant other] on and off for a few years. We had issues communicating, because we both grew up in abusive homes. At first I refused to go because I didn't want someone dissecting my life. Later, I realized that there was no harm in going. It's helped us a lot. We respond far more calmly, and have learned how to validate the other person's emotions, which is a plus. … I refer to it as a ‘relationship tune-up’ because, let's be honest, a relationship changes and goes through different stresses. If a car needs a tune-up, why wouldn't a relationship? Honestly, the most I can say for it is that it has helped. And I'm grateful that it has.”
"It Made Us Stronger When We Were Crumbling."
“We went to two [counselors]. The first one we both disliked. She seemed quick to take sides and her homework was hooey nonsense. The second one we both liked. We went for about a year. We both put in a lot of effort both in session and with the homework and application. The second one saved our marriage. It made us stronger when we were crumbling. However, that wouldn't have been possible if we weren't both very invested in making it work.”
"The Best Part About It Is Outsourcing the Imbalanced Emotional Labor Onto a Professional."
“I have been in couples therapy for a year with my primary partner. It has been tough but an amazing and very necessary process. [It was crucial] finding and seeing a queer, poly- and kink-affirming relationship therapist. Honestly, the best part about it is literally successfully outsourcing the imbalanced emotional labor onto a professional. Worth every penny.”
— Vanessa
"After Our Son Was Born We Figured It Was Best To Release Tension Through Therapy."
“It works great for my significant other and I. Our relationship progressed very rapidly so after our son was born we figured it was best to release tension through therapy. It is very beneficial for us; I would go as far as saying it saved us.”
"We Walked Away Feeling More Connected and Understood."
“When we went to our first session we weren't even in an immediate ‘crisis’ as our counselor put it. But even so we walked away feeling more connected and understood. Our therapist is also great at identifying aspects of ourselves that are unintentionally stressing the other partner out, even if they haven't been verbally expressed, so we all talk about it and he gives us homework to work on. There is also the benefit of just having a third neutral party to be there to referee, so that was nice and gave my husband and I a sense of security because it was less likely we would interrupt each other while talking.”
"We Were Often Saying the Same Thing But Going About It in Entirely Different Ways."
“[We learned] how to communicate effectively through active listening: Listen to the other person, without being defensive, then repeat back what you heard them say. I'd say it saved my marriage. As it turns out, we were often saying the same thing but going about it in entirely different ways. The other thing that was very valuable was how to give an effective apology by admitting fault, without excuses, acknowledging what exactly [we] did wrong, followed by a promise to not repeat the mistake and if needed a course of action to back up the words spoken. It was about 10 years ago that we did counseling, but we still use what we learned often.”
"There Can Be So Much More to the Story Than What You Thought."
“I've gone to couples therapy for a problem we've had continually for most of our dating life. What I learned from it? There can be so much more to the story than what you thought. The problem wasn't with the relationship, but individually. Turns out, he has a form of severe OCD. We are still together and the problem has been solved."
"It's a Game Changer for Us."
“It's great to share our feelings with each other when one person does something that upsets the other, but it's often not enough information for the other person to act on. Our therapist suggested (1) ‘I noticed…,’ (2) ‘I feel…,’ (3) ‘I would like…’. We both try to frame our conversations this way now, and it's a game changer for us. Thinking about what I would like to happen moves me past just feeling hurt and over into trying to solve the problem, and gets rid of those awkward ‘I'm sorry you feel that way…’ impasses in those types of conversations.”
"It Has Been Really Useful for Me in Future Relationships.”
“My ex-boyfriend and I saw a couples therapist for a few sessions when we were having a lot of trouble communicating. While the relationship ultimately didn’t work out, it led us both to see that we were fundamentally different and to part ways more amicably than we might have otherwise done. Our therapist was terrific at hearing us both out in sessions and reflecting with us individually and together on the different ways that each of us perceived things, and this has been really useful for me in future relationships.”
— Molly
“Our Therapist Talked About [How We] View the Actions of Our Partner."
“Our therapist talked about [how we] view the actions of our partner as well. So many times we can attribute negative thoughts to actions that are innocent and we are much more likely to fight about it. But if I stop and think, ‘this person loves me, they probably didn't mean for that to come out in such a rude/snarky way,’ I am more likely to clarify what they meant and we are less likely to fight.”
"The Good of the Team Is the Goal."
“[I learned] how to listen to what is being communicated to me instead of mentally working on a response/defense before the speaker's thoughts have been completely expressed. We are generally way too consumed with being right or justified in our position that we don't even hear the subtext of what is being said to us. Relationships are a team effort. The good of the team is the goal, not proving yourself right and your partner wrong.”
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
