Having a cheating spouse is one thing, but a spouse who cheated on you with a former student is a whole other can of worms. Take it from one woman online, who wrote in to an advice column to ask what she can do about her husband who recently broke off an affair with his 21-year-old former high school student. Interestingly, the wife didn't want advice on how to dump her philandering husband — she only wanted to know if he should give up his job to save their marriage.
As the woman explained, she discovered that her husband was having an affair only weeks ago and is now looking for some advice.
In a live chat with Slate's Daniel Mallory Ortberg, the anonymous wife shared with Dear Prudence that her husband of 12 years had been having an affair with his 21-year-old former student. "It was an emotional and sexual affair," she described. "And he took great risks, such as taking two days off work to spend time with her and going to see her on his lunch breaks and planning periods."
Of course this is upsetting for many reasons, none the least important that her husband continues to work with high school students and continues to "only (be) able to get his self-worth from attention from women," she explained. Years ago, the wife tried to tell her husband that his job teaching older high school girls made her uncomfortable. "He was, of course, offended, and he still says that he has never been attracted to one of his students," she wrote. "I’m unsure of what I believe now, with him dating someone only six years older than our teenage daughter."
And even though school administrators know about the man's affair, "because she was not a current student, his job is secure."
The wife then admitted that they are in counseling and that she's hoping to see this problem through for the sake of their children.
Although she describes her husband's indiscretion as a "midlife crises," the wife wrote that she still has several problems with his current job — even though her husband assures her that "the fog has lifted."
"I fear that this will make it less taboo and easier to rationalize if an opportunity with a junior or senior presents itself," she wrote. "With a midlife crisis it is so common to end up with a much younger person, and high school is full of girls on the cusp of womanhood and at their physical peak."
"They’re also usually idiots about men," she continued, "and I’ve seen a lot of easily impressed teens fawning over how smart or cool or different a teacher is, perfect for an ego that needs stroking. Plus, there’s the age-old teacher-and-student fantasy on both ends to consider, although I can’t imagine what someone that age would see sexually in someone who is almost 40," she added.
The wife also wrote that her husband agreed to changing careers for the sake of their marriage "but does not want to because much of his identity is tied up in being a teacher."
"Am I correct that this is not a good environment for him?" she asked. "I believe that he is sincere about wanting to manufacture his own positive self-esteem rather than having someone feed it to him through attention or sex, but there’s no reason to make it harder than it has to be."
To make matters worse, her husband also has a drinking problem, which the wife admits probably isn't going to help if he wants to stray again.
The wife wrote that her husband used to "black out" nightly from his drinking only years ago and that she had to "beg" him to stop. "It is his way of relaxing now, he says, but he started meeting this former student out at bars and formed the relationship with her there," she added. "Alcohol makes people more flirty, sexual, open with secrets, and it makes sharing inappropriate things so much easier."
In the end, the wife feels as if her husband is taking responsibility for his actions, but she isn't sure if his drinking and continuing his job are "unnecessary risks" that he shouldn't be taking during this time of attempted reconciliation. "Am I wrong?" she wondered.
As far as the advice columnist was concerned, the wife has a lot more to be concerned about than just the state of her marriage.
According to Ortberg, this wife is in deep, deep denial about what's really going on with her husband. And what's worse is that he truly might be a risk to the students he teaches.
"Oh, wow," he wrote in his response. "There’s so much wrong here that I’m not quite sure where to start. You’re treating this situation as if your husband were a mostly good man beset by tempting, lustful sirens, and not a blackout alcoholic who’s abused his position as a teacher to groom his students."
He explained that this is most likely not going to be solved by therapy; instead the wife needs to call the school board ASAP.
"You need to contact the school board today so they can investigate whether there are other students your husband has groomed or possibly abused," he urged. "The fact that the administration knows he’s dated at least one former student and hasn’t asked any follow-up questions is deeply concerning."
Ortberg continued that there is little chance that the woman's husband was providing a safe environment for her students to learn and that his claim this is all caused by 'low self-esteem' "is a remarkable act of deception, and you don’t need to buy this cock-and-bull story." He argued that her husband has talked a good game about making changes, but really he hasn't done anything to make amends.
"Your marriage is so much more broken than you’re able to admit to yourself right now," Ortberg wrote. "This is not an honest man you can trust."
"This language about underage girls being at their 'physical peak' is absolutely horrifying, and the fact that teenagers are vulnerable and easy to impress is not 'perfect' for an ego that needs stroking — those are marks a predator looks for in their prey," he added. "Your husband is not teaching a group of fully competent adult seductresses; he’s teaching children, and you cannot try to unload any of his guilt onto them."
"Please, please encourage the school board to look into his history with students. Fire your therapist and find one who will help you file for a divorce and sort through the lies your husband has been feeding you," he concluded.
Online, many people agreed that this husband needs to go.
They argued that his affair with a former student is pretty creepy. And everyone seemed to agree there might be no way for this couple to reconnect.
One person commented that they "don't trust this guy as far as I can kick him."
"His job as a teacher is to be responsible," another person added. "The students are still growing and maturing, and they may want things, but they don't fully understand. He was an adult, and he knew better."
And another person agreed that if this marriage is even remotely going to work, this wife needs to insist her husband stop drinking. "If you are certain that you want to stay with this serial cheater, you should insist that he stop drinking," the person wrote. "If he can't find another way to relax besides going out to singles bars, then he doesn't deserve to be your husband."
But many, many people thought that Ortberg was overreacting.
They argued that the advice columnist had given bad advice to this wife and felt like there was no need to worry that her husband was "grooming" his students.
One person commented that this was "terrible advice."
And another person agreed they didn't feel as if her husband's affair was predatory. "That's some impressive time-release 'grooming' that kicks in three years later when someone is an adult," they wrote. "He crossed a fidelity line (again), but she wasn't a student and she wasn't a minor and while it's pretty grody it isn't exactly pathological."
A third person believed the wife was purposely trying to make her husband seem like a pedophile. "Stop. Just stop. If he is such an awful husband — and apparently he is — divorce the (expletive), but stop trying to make him into some pedophile monster just so you can have revenge," the person wrote. "It does not hold water, it is petty, and stupid, and damages your credibility."
