I've done some pretty intense things in the name of beauty, and this weekend, I went one step further: I bleached my eyebrows. Like Tilda Swinton, Lady Gaga, and — yes — even Kylie Jenner before me, I decided to see what life was like on the invisi-brow side of the fence.
And it was horrible.
I knew bleaching my eyebrows was going to suck. I've bleached the hair on my head enough times to know that. And yet the actual experience was so much worse than I ever expected. I genuinely just wanted to post a few selfies of me looking like the 11th Doctor, suffer through the indignity of being unable to express emotion with my face, and dye them back.
But then a surprising number of you told me via Twitter and Instagram that bleached eyebrows were a look that you always wanted to try. Friends, learn from my mistakes and do not do this thing. Here are six things you'll learn about life, beauty, and sheer suffering when you try the bleached-eyebrow trend.
1. IT REALLY HURTS.
I accept that part of my job involves suffering for beauty, and I'm not a baby about it. I've had chemical peels that left my face looking like an illustration from a medical encyclopedia. I've grabbed hot curling irons by the barrels, and I once gave myself a Brazilian wax.
Bleached brows were worse than all of that combined. I am not kidding. It burns and it stings so badly that by the time my second bleaching was over, my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I was That Girl from "America's Next Top Model" who sobs while her hair gets bleached. It is the worst thing I have ever done; I want to invent time-travel so that I can stop myself from ever trying this.
2. It will FUCK UP your hair and skin.
Even with all the precautions in the world, eyebrows do not want to be bleached. My brow hairs feel drier and more brittle now, and they break off far more frequently. I also ended up with mild chemical burns under the arch of my right brow, which not only hurt, but make my skin look scabby and dry. Chic, right?
3. People will freak out about it.
Do you like explaining your beauty choices ad nauseum? If you bleach your eyebrows, you will get to do that! Prepare for interrogations on the subway to the tune of "Why would you make yourself so ugly?", reactions on social media, and small children crying when they see you on the street. I'm not saying anyone else's issues should ever prevent you from looking the way you want — I AM saying that if you just like to be left alone with your facial hair, this look ensures you will not get to.
4. It's WAY harder than you think.
My brows are already pretty light, especially compared to my dyed black hair. Even so, it took two days of double-processing to take my golden-blonde eyebrows to white without ruining them or fucking up my skin, and even then it was only semi-successful.
5. Two words: eyebrow roots.
You know how it seems like your eyebrows take forever to grow? Hah hah, sucker. It turns out they actually grow incredibly fast — and I know this because three days after bleaching, I have visible eyebrow roots. To keep this look up, you'd basically need to re-bleach your eyebrows every few days, or run the risk of looking like you have bugs living on your face. I cannot imagine that level of suffering.
6. It looks cool as hell — but it's not worth the pain.
I'm into anything that makes me look like a sexy alien, and aesthetically I think there's something really chic about black hair and invisible eyebrows. But I would rather throw myself out a window than suffer through another round of brow bleaching. I've been scarred for life — emotionally, physically, socially. You've been warned.
Even after reading about my pain, are you into this trend? Would you ever bleach your eyebrows?
Sound off in the comments, or on Facebook!
