Here’s a scenario that many of us experienced when we were younger: school report cards come out and a friend or classmate lets slip (or maybe brags!) that their parents pay them for each "A" or "B" grade they get. And, for some of us, this is totally mind blowing. Parents? PAYING KIDS for good grades? And, for some of us, reported this information to our own parents just to be laughed out of the room and informed, in no uncertain terms, that good grades were just an expectation, not something to be rewarded.
The whole concept of paying kids for their grades can definitely be controversial. One recent poster on Reddit’s Am I the A–hole forum brought that controversy to a whole new level when he revealed that he rewarded only one of his kids for her grades but refused to reward the other child, who got "almost straights A's." Confused? Yeah, so were we! But let’s dive into this whole mess and why the original poster ended up on the receiving end of a major internet smackdown.
"For their schooling I've always encouraged them to try, rather than caring about grades."
OP revealed in his post that he has two daughters, Lena (age 13) and Zoe (age 17), who were told that they would be "rewarded" if they "did well" when school returned to an in-person format this past year. According to OP, "Lena got mostly Cs, but she struggles with school so that's an achievement for her. Her teachers all graded her behaviour as perfect, and mentioned how she was clearly trying and everything." OK, good job Lena!
Zoe, on the other hand, "basically had all but one of her teacher's saying she's extremely smart (almost straights As), but a complete AH and a problem in class." So, for OP, who has "always found work ethic, resilience and responsibility to be more important than smarts alone." So, to him, the next step was simple and fair: Lena gets rewarded, Zoe does not.
The elder daughter strongly disagrees with her father's version of "fair."
According to OP, after the report cards came out "we took them both out and celebrated finishing the semester. We did say we were proud of them and everything. But today I talked to Zoe about what her teachers said. She says it's not her fault her teachers suck and are boring, which may be true, but she still can't be rude or distract others. Zoe really wasn't happy about the discussion, and got upset when I told her she wouldn't be rewarded."
OP shared that he "made it clear that while I'm disappointed in her acting up, I do still love her and am proud of her doing well scorewise" but that Zoe "said it's unfair that Lena is getting rewarded for bad grades, but she gets nothing's for As."
OP claimed he "would say the expectations were clear, and about them behaving well rather than grades," but clearly Zoe was seriously disappointed that she was getting left out of the reward system.
OP and his wife are a house divided.
While OP and his wife initially agreed about the plan to reward effort rather than grades, according to OP, "My wife feels bad and changed her mind and thinks that maybe we should reward her with something since she did so well academically, and it was struggle to adjust given everything."
But OP is still holding strong that he doesn’t "think we should reward her for misbehaving. Even if she scores well, if she acts up it can harm other students, I know that happened back when I was in school. I haven't changed my mind."
So, is OP in the wrong here?
The comment section on this post was fired up, but not necessarily about the rewarding situation. Many of the commenters were more concerned that Zoe is "clearly bored as hell in school" and that she probably needed some more academic challenges in school. And when OP revealed in a comment that Zoe struggles with an autism spectrum disorder (OP used the term "minor Asperger’s"), commenters really came hard for him.
As one stated: "My God she is smart and no doubt doing her best. Which makes me think she maybe doing her best at behavioral too. This has got to be hard for her to fit in with other children and teachers."
Another flipped on the sarcasm switch and said: "Gee it’s not like autism affects how you interact and socialize at all. He’s punishing her for not 'acting normal.'"
People were strong advocates for the challenges autistic girls can face in school, with another commenter explaining that "she's on the autism spectrum, something notable when it comes to social interactions and communication with neurotypicals, who often perceive neurodivergent behaviour as 'rude' or disruptive even when it's neither."
On this one, we have to agree with the decision that OP was, in fact, the a–hole in this situation and that he needs to celebrate both his daughters and make sure that Zoe has the right level of challenge, too.
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