Halloween is finally here — and not a moment too soon.
As "Mean Girls" taught us, Halloween is the one night a year that you can go all out and dress as sexy as you want to.
In 2004, when "Mean Girls" came out, The Plastics wore lingerie and animal ears. But it's 2017 now, and that means that when we do Sexy Halloween, we look to none other than online thotporium Fashion Nova.
That's right: Fashion Nova, Instagram's No. 1 destination for cheap, tight, often confusing clothing, has Halloween costumes. We tried them out to see how sexy they REALLY are.
I chose the Catwoman costume — which Fashion Nova dubbed “Cat Fight” — because A) it's black, and B) it's not absolutely humiliating.
Plus, can we be real? Catwoman always has the best outfits — and this Cat Fight costume ($80, Fashion Nova) DID look pretty legit online.
But I know by now that, when it comes to the ol' Fashion Nova, what you see isn't always what you get. So I had concerns… right up until the point that I slithered into this catsuit.
I was honestly shocked — THIS COSTUME ACTUALLY MOSTLY FIT AND LOOKED PRETTY GOOD. And it turns out that's a really freaking good thing.
From bitter experience, I know that Fashion Nova's sizing is all over the place — so I picked the S/M, hoping that by going up a size I wouldn't feel like a butternut squash stuffed into a condom. And I'm really glad I did: Fashion Nova does not include item measurements on its Halloween costumes and returns aren't allowed.
$80 for a costume is NOT cheap, and guessing at sizing is kind of rough.
And I do mean it "mostly fit." The suit was long enough in the arms and legs for me, a very tall person, but sagged and bagged from the waist, up.
Once again, I am not stacked enough in the chest for Fashion Nova.
There was room for another person in the top of the costume, which is great news if you're busty, but not so great if you're a little less gifted in the boobular region.
Additionally, the legs and arms were very long, but the torso was short as hell. This meant labial wedgies galore.
The costume also comes with gloves and a utility belt — and I actually liked one of those things.
I thought I'd hate the belt with the fire of a thousand suns, but it was cute and matched the overall ~aesthetic~! The gloves, meanwhile, were awkwardly saggy. I took them off the first chance I got.
The sequined mask didn't fit to the point that it impaired my sight.
The eye holes were spaced so far apart, a hammerhead shark could have worn this mask. For me, someone with a narrow face and close-together eyes, I had to improvise to be able to see. I would definitely skip the awkward mask if I wanted to be Fashion Nova Catwoman for Halloween.
And although it looked good, the materials felt... flammable.
This bodysuit is made of a medium stretch, plastic-Spandex hybrid that feels like it's ready to combust. The ears and gloves are made of a weird, satiny pleather. While the suit looked pretty good in pictures, it felt strange IRL.
Overall I wasn't unhappy with my off-brand Catwoman costume.
I was expecting low-quality, skintight nonsense — and sure, I did get that. But I also got a costume that I wouldn't absolutely HATE wearing out in the real world… minus the gloves and the mask.
My mostly positive Catwoman experience heartened Cindy, who tried Fashion Nova's "Burning Rubber" sexy racetrack costume.
"I picked Burning Rubber ($70, Fashion Nova) strictly because of the color scheme," said Cindy. "I liked the pattern and the color, and the jumpsuit looked comfortable. I've never seen a NASCAR race in my life."
But once she had it on, she was sold. "I thought the costume looked amazing... except for one thing."
"The sizing was a little hard to figure out — I'm in a L/XL, and that was mostly perfect. I thought this costume fit great, until I looked at the crotch area… it was REALLY gathering up into my vagina, and even though I was wearing seamless underwear, you could still see panty lines."
"I feel like I would definitely get street harassed if I wore this out, but I did like that the costume came with sunglasses and gloves."
"Even though the jumpsuit was so tight you could see my soul, it wasn't uncomfortable. The material was a little compressive, so I felt like it sucked me in a little AND gave me more cleavage."
"But the patches say "Cherry" and "Oil Me," which was alarming. I would not be comfortable wearing them!"
"I also couldn't show a lot of cleavage, which was disappointing because that's sort of the point. On me, the zipper was either all the way down or all the way up. There's no real middle ground."
Overall, Cindy was FEELING her Fashion Nova costume. "I didn't hate it," she said. "I thought the costume was super sexy, if that's what you're into."
"I probably wouldn't wear it anywhere on actual Halloween, though, unless I had a bodyguard."
When it was Nicola's turn, she knew there was only one Fashion Nova costume for her. "I am the world's most obnoxious Captain America fan, so this seemed inevitable."
"I picked the Star-Spangled Hero costume ($50, Fashion Nova) because I like bodysuits," said Nicola. "They're way more comfortable than the short skirts or bathing suits that are usually your options as a woman on Halloween. I got this costume in a size L/XL, which is meant to fit anyone from a size 11-15 — but since I've worn a size 2X in Fashion Nova items before, I had no idea how this would fit."
Though getting the costume on was a little challenging, there's no denying that Nicola looks bomb as hell in this costume. "I feel like I'm ready to punch some Nazis in the face in this," she said. "As long as I don't have to bend over too much."
"I needed help zipping this up," said Nicola. "But once I was in, it was fine. It actually fit around the thighs, which was what I was the most worried about. But it was VERY tight around the crotch — every time I'd bend over, my butt was like 'oh no, please don't do that.'"
"I definitely didn't like the headband, though — it was so big, I had to knot it to get it to stay on my head. WHOSE HEAD IS THIS BIG?"
"It also kept ruining my bangs. Criminal."
"The material was REALLY bright and shiny in person," Nicola said. "I thought I'd look crazy, but then I thought about how I'm finally embodying my husband Chris Evans and nothing else mattered."
"It was also a little tight around the shoulders, but once I got used to it, it was OK."
"As a very tall person, I was really impressed that this Fashion Nova costume was long enough for my arms and legs," said Nicola. "It was honestly TOO long."
"I had to cuff the legs three times to get them to the perfect length," said Nicola. "The sleeves, I just pushed up a bit. Honestly, this is a nice problem to have, especially for a costume from Fashion Nova."
"I was really impressed with this costume," said Nicola. "I'm reconsidering my ACTUAL costume now — I might just wear this one."
"An added and unanticipated bonus: This suit didn’t feel thin or flimsy, and would actually keep me warm on a chilly Halloween night."
Finally, Mary knew that there was only one Fashion Nova costume for her. "My lifelong dream is to be a mermaid," she said. "I’ve also never worn a sexy Halloween costume before, so why not?"
"I'm a grown woman, I can be a Sexy Siren ($99, Fashion Nova) if I want."
Though initially skeptical, with the addition of a bright red wig, Mary was all about her costume. "I got the largest size this costume was offered in, assuming it wouldn't fit," she said. "But it did — I was surprised."
"It's not the BEST quality, but it's not bad if you're only wearing it for one night."
Important note: Mary's costume doesn't come with the Ariel-inspired wig. "That's my wig, and her name is Judy," said Mary.
"I didn't think the bra was going to fit," Mary noted. "It looked really small, which was surprising, given how stacked the Fashion Nova models are. But it ended up being really pretty and comfortable."
"I'm wearing the biggest size this costume comes in — a L/XL. This is as big as the bras get."
"The skirt was REALLY long — I could have pulled it up and worn it as a strapless dress," said Mary. "The material wasn't the best quality, but it was pretty, and not too tight. I could definitely eat candy in this."
"I really, really like this," said Mary. "My mermaid dreams are coming true!"
"Even in my tallest heels, my tail was dragging on the ground. New York is dirty; I definitely wouldn't wear this out," she said.
"Mermaids don't need to run for the subway, I guess.
"All things considered, I liked this costume," said Mary. "I felt like a mermaid who could be sexy by land OR sea. But is this costume worth $100? I don't know..."
"This was definitely fun to wear, and I'm glad I got my size right — but it seems a little expensive for what it is. My costume was definitely unique, though, and I'm glad I took a risk with this!"
So after trying on all these Fashion Nova costumes, what have we learned? Are we ready to abandon our existing costumes and fully embrace Thotoween?
Well, maybe not — but on the whole, we were really surprised by the relatively high quality and fun designs of Fashion Nova's costumes. If you're looking for a sexy outfit (and you're 100% sure about your size), you could do a lot worse than checking out Fashion Nova.
After all, Halloween comes but once a year — but making Captain America brush Ariel's hair with a fork? That's entertainment that lasts forever.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
