We all know that parenting isn't always an easy gig. Even the most cooperative kids have rough days and can require an endless amount of patience. Another truth is that some kids are just more challenging than others, especially when they are younger. It can be hard to watch when someone we love is struggling to parent a kid who may have behavior issues or just requires higher levels of support, especially if that someone is a friend who is a young single mother.
Even so, it's probably still a bad look to suggest she "rehome" her child! A young woman recently posted on the Reddit AITA forum to get feedback on whether she was in the wrong for suggesting that her friend, who was struggling with a high-needs child, consider that "maybe it was time to think of more difficult possibilities" regarding the child's future.
The original poster explained that her friend was offended and claimed that OP was suggesting she "rehome my son? Like he's a f—ing dog?" Oh boy, this situation sounds like a mess. But we love a mess, so let's get into it and see if we can determine who is in the wrong here. The answer might be more nuanced than we might expect for a conversation that involves the words "rehoming" in the context of a child.
The child in question is only 5 years old, but sounds extremely challenging.
According to OP, who doesn't appear to be a mother, her friend's "kid is, to say the least, difficult. She tries therapy, daycare, lots of educational methods but he's wild, cries a lot, destroys stuff, yells with her."
The child's father isn't in the picture and the mom doesn't have much family in the area, so she's handling this all mostly on her own. According to OP, "Poor thing is destroyed," and OP notices that when they hang out "it's clear from her physical appearance that she isn't very healthy and she is always tired and anxious."
That definitely sounds like a lot for OP's friend to manage and there is something sweet about the fact that OP cares enough to be concerned for her friend.
Giving unsolicited parenting advice is always risky.
There is always some risk in giving parenting advice to a friend, especially one who is deep in the weeds of a tough stretch. It is even more risky when the advice sounds awfully close to saying "give up your child!"
"It's really painful for me, as she's a close friend from many years. So the other day she was in my house while the kid was in the daycare. She had a breakdown. Started crying, saying she doesn't know what to do anymore. Then this is when I may have been the a–hole…" OP wrote.
"I said she tried her best, but maybe it was time to think of more difficult possibilities. To think if there wasn't anyone with whom the kid could stay while she took care of herself, because she needed to."
OP's friend did not take that advice well.
While OP swears it wasn't her intention to tell her friend to "rehome" her son, that's how her friend interpreted the advice and says, "She yelled at me saying that she couldn't believe I could even suggest such a thing and how heartless I could be."
OP argues that what she meant was not that she gives him up for adoption, "only that she lets him stay with some relative or on a sleep-in school while she recuperates."
OP "tried to apologize" but her friend "stormed out and hasn't talked to me ever since." Now their friend group is divided. "Some of our friends are saying that I was an a– for suggesting that for a mother, while a few other say that she needed to hear it even if it was hard," she explained.
OP might be right that her friend needs more support.
While several of the commenters on Reddit agree that OP might have been able to word her advice better, many feel like she was pointing out that maybe the mom needs to look into finding respite care options just so she can get a break.
As one Redditor explained: "Your friend is exhausted, physically and mentally. Everything she has, goes towards her kid who seems to have some behavioral issues. If she doesn’t get help, she will burnout. Burnout will affect the care she’s able give her son."
Another suggested that OP could help by trying to find some resources, like residential summer camps or other overnight programs. "It’s a hard thing for parents to hear, and often results in them becoming defensive," the Redditor noted. "Maybe you could look up some local resources that might be helpful, and share those with her. You should definitely start with an apology for the misunderstanding- she probably assumed you were trying to get her to dump the kid. There are other and better ways for her to have a break constructively."
We're going to call it that OP wasn't intentionally a jerk in this situation, even if she maybe fumbled the message a little. Hopefully OP can get back on good terms with her friend and be the ally she needs right now.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
