In marriage and longtime relationships, sustaining sexual intimacy can sometimes be a little challenging, to say the least. It’s not that we suddenly don’t want one another anymore, it has more to do with what everyone else wants from us (I’m looking at you, newborns, crumb snatchers, and teens in need of a mom-run Uber service). Maybe the butterflies from a kiss wane, and so what if my juices don’t get flowing every time you slap my ass while I’m doing dishes or give me a “hot and spicy massage” (sometimes my back just hurts, it’s not code for anything).
But the love remains and that’s what drives us to make it work, even when we’d rather be sleeping. Sometimes it's a challenge (cluster feedings of 2005, colic of 2007), but if you want to make your marriage work, you make some concessions now and again.
Before Kids
In college and before having kids, we were insatiable. I mean, we didn’t give a flip if we woke the neighbors up or shook the house. It was all about being in the moment and satisfying our libido. There were no bills to be paid or babies to be fed. We slept when we were tired. Ate when we were hungry. We lived according to our own wants and needs. It was glorious. But of course, why wouldn’t it be? We were young, fit, making good money, and mostly free from responsibility. Once we started having babies, things changed.
Life After Parenthood
I was always tired and exhausted and didn’t feel sexy at all. I felt like a dairy cow existing just to make milk. Lactation provider was my only personality trait, aside from Quickest Diaper Changer in the East. I really felt like a baby-growing and feeding machine. We still had sex, but it became less spontaneous and more functional. We needed to connect, and touch is my love language. So if we had to squeeze in 10 minutes of skin-to-skin time as a couple, that's what we did. We needed that physical intimacy — everyone does.
Hiding From the Threen-ager Years
Suddenly, once we had toddlers and the girls started getting older, we had to get more creative about when, where, and how we had sex because we had two tiny roommates who had no boundaries and were excruciatingly curious. Some days, the sneaking around the house looking for new places to “be together” was exciting, but other days it was just too much work. Did I mention I was exhausted with two girls under 3?
Bigger Kids, Bigger Problems
Once the girls were in school, things got a little more convenient. We started having sex more often during the day (when they were at school, extracurriculars, or at friends’ houses) and that added a bit of spice. If you’ve never tried afternoon delight and you’re a parent, I highly recommend it. And that bulls— about “sleeping while the baby sleeps” never works, you might as well sneak in a quickie.
Love in the Pandemic Years
Once the pandemic hit, that pretty much jacked up our entire sex life. First, neither of us looked our best and we were stress eating a little more than usual. My tie-dye matching leisure wear and a two-day old messy bun were not a sexy vibe. It’s hard to feel sexy when the world is on fire and you’re looking at everyone you share air with as a card-carrying member of the cootie club. Yeah, even that guy over there that you’ve been sleeping with for the past 20-something years. Add to that everyone was quarantined and way too into everyone else's business and personal space. It was almost impossible to find the opportunity to be intimate, and we were both so stressed out.
We had to get creative again. Early morning before the girls woke up became our new “afternoon delight” time. Only who’s excited to wake up early (even before that early bird was out to get the worm. I say, you can have it. I want my sleep)?
Late nights no longer worked because the girls were always up. There was nothing to do to make them tired. The pandemic just all sort of morphed into one really long Sunday when no one got out of bed or showered, or ate, or lived.
Afternoon delight was impossible because the teens were always looking for someone to help with all that asynchronous learning schoolwork. Nothing like being caught red handed looking like you’re getting attacked by a beast or worse, much worse, caught doing your mommy and daddy special tandem downward facing dog position.
It was stressful. Way worse than being afraid of getting caught by your parents as a teen. Also, I’m old and not as flexible as I once was. Can’t everyone just entertain themselves in their own rooms from 9 to 9:27 p.m. every Wednesday and Friday evening, every other week, some months of the year? Is that really too much to ask?
The After-COVID Years
Now that the girls are teens and the post-pandemic world is more or less back to normal, the girls have jobs and dates and the husband and I have a lot more flexibility and spontaneity. Through it all, the desire has remained because I feel 100% loved and accepted by my husband. I’m currently, heading toward perimenopause and getting ready to send my oldest off to college while finishing up my own master’s program. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted a lot of the time but now, it doesn’t feel like sex is something to squeeze in when the kids are gone but an intimate act between myself and the person I like and love most in the world. Now, it's recharging and refreshing to have that time together, just the two of us.
The answer is that our sex life over the past 26 years has ebbed and flowed. It’s been hot and not, but the thing that sustains us is that through it all we kept chasing intimacy and didn’t look for those connections anywhere else.
Marriage is dinner. Sex is dessert. Remember to always save room for dessert or you might find yourself skipping dinner and starving to death.
