I promise you, with everything in me, that if I could find the story I once read that featured an older married couple who were celebrating 60-plus years together, I would share it now. I remember the journalist asked the wife what she thought the key was to the success of her marriage, to which she matter-of-factly shrugged her shoulders and casually said, “I have sex with him. I don’t do that with the rest of my friends.”
Amen. And you know what? She knows what’s talking about because it’s been reported that 40% of Americans between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active and 37% between 65 and 90 engage in oral activities. Who knew? (She did!)
Because I’m a marriage life coach — and oftentimes what I deal with are couples who have some semi-serious bedroom-related issues — it brought me much joy to hear her say that if there’s one thing that makes romantic long-term relationships different from any other emotional connection, it’s sex. And that’s why I think it is important — crucial, even — for committed couples to make sex a very top priority whether they’ve been together for a year, five or 40.
So why don’t more people do just that?
Honestly, that’s an article all on its own. However, I do think that reason is something that isn’t discussed nearly enough — boredom. Meaning, it’s very easy to love someone and still find yourself in a rut when it comes to intimacy if you’ve been with them for more than a couple of Christmases.
If you’re noticing that you’re nodding your head up and down at the screen as you’re reading this, pause and get yourself a cup of java or a tall Arnold Palmer. Then sit back and relax as I make it my mission to improve your sex life so that a woman who’s well into her 80s doesn’t end up running circles around you if the two of you were to compare notes.
Sexting
Before even getting into all of the other things that can help your sex life, let’s talk about something that seems to have become a lost art for a lot of long-term couples: flirting. C’mon. When’s the last time that you actually flirted with your partner? Flirting is how you let your significant other know that you’re still interested in them, that they still give you random butterflies, and that you enjoy doing little things to make them feel wanted and special (as they do the same for you).
According to the American Psychological Association, eight out of 10 people sext, at least a little bit. Personally, I’m really glad to hear that. At the same time, I’m pretty confident that it’s not happening nearly as much as it should. I say that because, when you flirt with your partner, it lets them know that you enjoy wooing them. And when that flirting turns into sexting, it makes them feel desired. Very much so.
Because the brain is the biggest sex organ anyone has, it needs to be “worked out.” Before today is over, pull out your cellphone and tell your partner (while at work) that you love certain things that they do to you sexually. Recall a really good night that both of you shared. Talk about one of your all-time favorite intimacy memories. Even better, sext them a reservation to meet at a hotel up the street. Sexting doesn’t get any better than that!
Sex Pillow
Between what I find out whenever I Google and the conversations that I’ve had with many of my clients, it would appear that the sexual positions that are not only the most physically comfortable but also can make vaginal orgasms easier to achieve include missionary, getting into the spoon position, the cowgirl, and doggy style. Noted.
Here’s the thing about all sex positions, though. Even though it’s been reported that 75% of women are unable to achieve orgasms from intercourse alone, a big part of that has to do with clitoris-to-vagina placement. In other words, the closer that a clitoris is to a vaginal opening, the easier it is to climax from penetrative sex.
You can't really do anything about Mother Nature. At the same time, I can almost assure you that if you prop up your hips, it’s easier to experience the vaginal orgasms that you seek. That’s why I’m a huge fan of sex pillows. They can elevate the lower part of your body without you having to sacrifice any comfort. Women’s Health magazine published a feature on some effective sex pillows that you can check out.
Sex Box
What’s a sex box? Trust me — it’s not that taxing. It’s simply two boxes — one on each side of the bed — that contains each other’s favorite sex toys, massage oil, lubricants, and little notes about things each of you know will please the other. See the list as a bit of a “cheat sheet.”
By the way, some other things that should go into the sex box are practical things such as breath mints and miniature bottles of water. Hey, sometimes things go bumping around in the night or one of you might have a strong urge for some morning sex — and the more your breath is prepared for that, the better.
Sex Calendar
I know a husband who did one of the absolute sweetest things for his wife for one of her birthdays. The main present he gave her was a homemade calendar. The clincher? It was already filled in with romantic dates that he had planned out … for the entire year. (Yeah, he’s a keeper!)
With some of my clients, I’ve put a spin on that and asked them to create a sex calendar. Although some people frown on the concept of scheduling sex, because I am well aware of the fact that somewhere between 15 to 20% of marriages are having sex less than 10 to 15 times a year (which is the definition of being “sexless”), I’m personally all for getting sex down on the books. It speaks to prioritizing. It speaks to intention. It speaks to showing your partner that you look forward to and want to experience intimacy with that person.
Y’all, life is A LOT, so I’m not saying that it’s realistic to book sex out for the entire year. But putting plans down on a weekly, biweekly or monthly basis is a wise way to go. Trust me, they are not going to frown when they see a heart, gold star or some “code word” for sex pop up on the calendar this week — whether it’s via an app on their phone or a calendar in their home office or kitchen.
Sex Journal
I already know. You’ve only got 24 hours in a day, and trying to figure out how to journal in the midst of everything that’s already on your hectic to-do list probably seems close to insane. Still, even taking out 15 minutes to journal a few times a week can do wonders. It can help you to de-stress. It can help you process thoughts and feelings. It can also help you become a more effective communicator.
And when you’re focused on sex journaling, it can take your sex life to another level too. That’s because sex journaling has been proven to help you work through good and not-so-great sexual experiences, to ponder why you have some of the patterns/fantasies/desires that you do, and how to express to your partner what your needs (and wants) are.
Growing up, my house was full of notes and letters on beds. My mother felt that writing sensitive matters down first gave the writer the opportunity to clearly share their thoughts and the reader time to think it over before responding. Sex is an ultimate form of communication in relationships. Sex journaling can help you to connect better with your partner, emotionally as well as physically.
Essential Oil Sex Pack
Personally, I have been a fan of essential oils for a really long time. Not only do they smell absolutely unbelievable, but they also have a myriad of health benefits. When it comes to your libido, specifically, use essential oils to give each other a massage, to add to a steam shower that the two of you plan on taking together, or to sprinkle on your bedding before you get into it. Some of the best ones for your sex drive include:
Lavender. Lavender oil is very floral and feminine. One of the best things is that it has a way of almost immediately de-stressing you. Because stress can trigger anxiety, which can tank testosterone levels in both men and women, I’m sure you can see why having it around is a real bonus. Also, if you add some pumpkin essential oil to lavender, it can increase penile blood flow by as much as 40%!
Jasmine. This one has had a reputation for centuries (literally) for being a powerful aphrodisiac. Its scent is sweet and sensual. Plus, it has a way of amplifying pheromones, elevating your mood, and even helping to balance out your hormone levels. It's everything you want when it comes to creating the right space for sex.
Rose. Do you like the smell of fresh roses? Sprinkle some petals on the bed and then put a little of it on your body. It can help to relieve mental fatigue. Rose oil also eases body tension and is another hormone balancer. That’s a good thing because when your sex hormones are functioning as they should, your sex drive will typically elevate as a direct result.
Cinnamon. If your energy levels are super low, the sweet smell of cinnamon can serve as an instantaneous pick-me-up. It also has a knack for increasing blood circulation, even to your genital region, which can lead to more lubrication and result in stronger erections. It also tastes naturally sweet. (I’ll just leave that right there for your imagination to ponder the possibilities!)
Patchouli. This woodsy scent isn’t super masculine or uber feminine, which means that you and your partner can enjoy it equally. A real perk is it can stimulate the production of estrogen in your system, which can amplify your sex life and make becoming naturally lubricated easier.
Chocolate and Red Wine
Something that you should always have in your stash, no matter what, is dark chocolate and red wine. Both are considered to be aphrodisiacs for different reasons. Dark chocolate is awesome because its properties help to release endorphins, so it’s easy to get into a “feel good” state of mind.
Dark chocolate’s also good for you because the zinc in it triggers arousal, the theobromine in it helps to widen blood vessels and increase blood flow, and its antioxidants can strengthen your immunity while giving you more energy. As far as red wine goes, it contains the compound resveratrol that will boost your libido, whereas other properties in red wine will increase blood flow to your muscles and genital region.
You can either eat dark chocolate and sip red wine or you can get creative and make some homemade dark chocolate body paint and let your, umm, creative skills run totally wild!
Seasonal Sexcation
There’s a woman I know who hasn’t been on a romantic vacation with her husband in the 30-plus years that they’ve been married. Sure, they travel sometimes, but it’s never for the sole intention of just being alone so they can spend some real quality time together. Tragic, right? Sadly, she’s not alone.
Reportedly, around 25% of couples never travel for some real quality time. And when two people do not get the opportunity to switch up the scenery, silence life’s background noise, and just enjoy being together, that can cause their relationship as a whole (not just their sex life) to suffer.
With all of this being said, even if you don’t have the money right now to get a couple of new stamps on your passport, at least plan a weekend road trip to check out a bed and breakfast in a nearby town or city. The point isn’t to spend a ton of cash — it’s just to put together an excursion that is dedicated to nothing but a little romance and a lot — and I mean A LOT — of sex.
Sex Bucket List
Here’s a question: How many of you have a sex bucket list? You know, a list of things that you’ve never tried before sexually but certainly would like to? If you never even thought to create one, there’s no time like the present. From a psychological standpoint, bullet lists help you to focus on cultivating the kind of life you want to live. They also encourage you to seize the moment, to “live bigger,” and to take (calculated) risks.
What I personally like about sex bucket lists is it helps couples to tap into each other’s fantasies — things that probably wouldn’t come up if the list didn’t exist. It also reminds them that no matter how much they’ve had sex or how many different things that they have tried before, there’s always uncharted territory that needs to be discovered.
Putting this all together is a perfect at-home date night activity. Get the kids into bed, put on some soft music, and pull out a notebook to create a sex bucket list together. It’s the kind of foreplay that doesn't get the credit it truly deserves.
Sex Jar
Many years ago while perusing Pinterest, I saw a post that featured a photo of a sex jar. It said something along the lines of, “Whenever we have sex, let’s put money in the jar.” I found it to be totally brilliant, and I have been telling the world about it ever since.
Basically, get a big jar and turn it into a little “sex bank.” Every time that you and your partner “engage,” put some money into the jar. It can be a quarter or $20s; it’s totally up to you. Then mutually agree that you won’t take any money out until six to 12 months has passed. Count up the collection and mutually agree to spend it on something that you both will enjoy. Depending on how much sex you had, you might end up in Paris for a week — or at the movies. It’s totally up to the two of you. Totally.
I’m hoping that if you made it to the end of this that you can see that improving your sex life doesn’t require a ton of toiling. A few tweaks here and there (along with a longing to make it better) is really all you need. So, what are you waiting for? Get to checking some of these tips off. Neither you — nor your partner — will regret it!
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
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