Dear Dana,
My husband and I have decided we need to schedule sex to prioritze us, but I'm afraid this may make it feel forced and well, not as good. How do we make this scheduling idea work without it feeling like a chore?
Dear Calendar Gal,
GOSH I LOVE THIS QUESTION.
No, really. I do.
Because scheduling sex in an effort to prioritize intimacy is, hands down, one of the most important things a couple can do for the health of their relationship.
And yet, I get that you’re not quite sure how to make it work, as the idea of “scheduled sex” can sound like a real drag.
But as busy, active, and often-exhausted parents, I think planning sex is a great thing for parents. Because if we didn’t plan it, most couples with kids probably wouldn’t ever have it! And since sex is such an important input in a relationship, if we don’t have it, then more of us would be unhappy … and more of us might get divorced.
So, if we put two and two together, I’d say that planning sex can help keep you connected and happily married. So, yay for scheduled sex!
However, along with having “planned, scheduled sex” comes that nagging suspicion …
As in, “If we have to plan it every time, does that mean it’s an obligation? Just another thing in our calendar?”
And NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE wants to think that their spouse is only having sex out of obligation or simply as a means to cross off another item on the To Do list. That’s a huge turn-off.
So how do you keep scheduled sex from becoming something that’s too organized? Too business-like? Too repetitive? Too monotonous? Too obligatory?
I’ll tell you: You think of it like planning a party. A "sex date," if you will. And you build anticipation and excitement and conversation around it — just as you would a celebration you’re hosting.
Ask questions while together like …
What kind of party is it?
Is there a theme?
What will I wear?
What refreshments might we have?
What music will we play?
What “props” will be at the party?
What energy do I want to have at this party?
And you see? Suddenly your brain is infused with excitement over all the options. You feel inspired with creativity. And lit up with anticipation. (And I always say that anticipation is the greatest aphrodisiac!)
By planning a sex date as you would a party, you’re taking positive action together to build momentum in your relationship. You’re showing commitment toward your mutual sexual satisfaction even amidst the mutual exhaustion that comes along with active parenting.
And I’ll bet that more creative sex will begin happening too.
Because one sex date can have a romantic theme with rose petals as decoration. One can have a “ride ‘em cowboy” vibe. One can have “refreshments” like honey and champagne that you kiss off one another’s bodies. One might offer “goodie bags” that … vibrate and tickle.
You catch my drift here?
With a “party planning” mentality, suddenly scheduled sex doesn’t sound so bad. And it will actually lead you to have better sex.
The other key to making scheduled sex super fabulous?
It’s the conversation that you have right after you make love. And there are two simple components to that convo: 1) You celebrate, and 2) You schedule the next sex date.
Here’s what I mean:
First, CELEBRATE the sex you just had by verbally expressing your mutual pleasure. Say what felt great and why. Something like, “Babe, I feel amazing after that orgasm. What you did with your hands made me see stars … I let myself go and literally went to another planet.”
Then, ask what really worked for him. Do this all while maintaining loving physical contact. Although it may seem odd, congratulating yourselves and celebrating the sex you just had will go miles toward boosting intimacy and strengthening your bond as lovers.
Next, talk about SCHEDULING the next sex date and what the next “theme” might be. Because your body and mind are freshly lit-up with pleasure, planning the next sex date right then and there should feel like a joy, not an obligation or chore. You might say something like, “That felt so good. Next time I’d love to try this position/this new toy/this new location/this new theme … So, how’s Thursday morning for you, babe?”
This approach makes scheduling sex a beautiful, expressive, passionate EVENT, all while creating genuine anticipation for the next session together.
And there you go. You feel better now?
I’ll tell you that scheduling sex has been one of the most beautiful and exciting aspects of my marriage for the last 12 years (since we had kids!). It has kept our sex life brimming with creativity, fun, freshness, and epic pleasure.
I hope it works for you too.
XOXO,
Dana
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Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
