Dear Dana,
My husband really wants to me to try anal sex, but I've never done it — and honestly, I'm not sure if I want to because I think it will be too uncomfortable. I'd like to think he'll let it go, but he keeps bringing it up. I want to keep him satisfied and I'm worried that he might try to satisfy this desire elsewhere if I don't at least try it. What should I do?
Hey Wifey,
OK, there’s a lot to address here. We’ll definitely get to the anal sex question at hand and how to address it with your husband.
But first, I must bring up your concern about him satisfying his desire elsewhere if you don’t try anal. Have you told him you’re worried about this? That it’s creating anxiety and pressure within you?
Because, dear sister, if you haven’t yet told him this … you need to. You can’t go around worrying your husband will cheat on you unless you try a sex act you’re uncomfortable with! Have that conversation now. You’ve got to share your truth with him because a healthy, creative sex life must be rooted in trust, intimacy and honesty — not fear, worry and intimidation. OK? OK.
Now that we’ve got that covered, let’s move forward. Or … downward?
In the sex-positive era we find ourselves in today, anal sex is no longer the taboo topic it once was.
And yet, even though it’s become a more normalized part of the conversation, a lot of women are still turned off by it due to fear of experiencing pain or discomfort. And of course, I get that!
But contrary to what you may anticipate, anal play can provide a wonderland of sensual pleasures — not pain. The anus is full of sensitive nerve endings, just as the clitoris is, and so it too has the capacity to experience incredible pleasure. With care, communication, and lots of lubricant, anal play is really just an opportunity for you to expand your pleasure and have bigger, better, more expansive orgasms.
Now, notice I said anal play — not anal sex.
There is a difference, and one which may help you explore your husband’s fantasies because you genuinely want to — not because you feel pressure to. Anal play is the “walk before you run” option to work with here!
But before I get into what anal play might look like, if you are certain that it’s NOT something you want to try, here’s what you might say to your man:
“Babe, I’m just not into anal sex. I hear that you’re curious and want to explore, but the thought of trying it makes me feel uncomfortable … I anticipate it WILL be physically uncomfortable, even painful, and I tense up just thinking about it. Therefore, it’s just not a turn on for me. And I’m certain of that.”
And that’s it.
However, if you’re at all curious about anal pleasure, you could baby step your way into exploration together.
And here’s what you might say about that:
“Babe, I can hear how excited you are to explore anal with me. I’m not willing to try penetrative anal sex, but I am open to anal foreplay … and to see if I experience pleasure from it. What do you think?”
Then, talk about the details of an anal experience you might create together.
Here’s some inspiration for that:
First, you’ll want to be fully relaxed, and committed to taking the experience slowly and to communicating throughout. Agree with your husband that you’ll talk to each other every step of the way. Ask him to tell you what he’s going to do before he does it, and to ask for your permission for whatever kind of touch and stimulation he’ll be providing.
Suggest that he pampers you with a sensual, full body massage to begin.
He can drizzle warm massage oil all over your breasts, arms and neck … eventually caressing and rubbing your inner thighs and bum cheeks, making lovely large circles in upwards motions toward your lower back, as you lie face down.
Remember to focus on breathing so that you can shift into a relaxed and comfortable state of being. If his touch feels good, allow yourself to become turned on and aroused the sensations. If you want a different kind of touch or pressure, speak up!
Only when you are completely relaxed, and with copious amounts of lubricant, you’ll begin some anal foreplay.
Simply stimulate around the anal opening first and see if that sparks pleasure. He can massage, kiss, or lick around the anus, while you stimulate your clitoris with your hand or a toy … and just witness if the sensations are pleasurable.
You, and your anus, should be well warmed up before entering anything inside — be it a finger, a small toy or a butt plug — which I highly recommend you try on several occasions before even considering taking his penis inside of you!
I would also encourage you to take control of your orgasm as he’s stimulating you. Use your hand or a toy to build your pleasure in partnership with him! This way, you can be an even more active and empowered player in this anal play session.
Many women who’ve explored anal play say it’s become a highly erotic and satisfying part of their sex life.
But taking it slowly will be key for you! And if you decide to tell him it’s a definitive no? Well that’s ok too. It’s your body and you get to choose.
Whatever you decide, I wish you lots of open-hearted communication and a ton of pleasure!
XOXO,
Dana
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Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
