Dear Dana,
OK, so relationships and marriage are all about compromise, right? If my partner wants sex and I don't, should I do it anyway?
Dear Middle Ground Mama,
Marriage is about compromise. A give and take. Teamwork. But does that mean you have to say “yes” to sex if your partner wants it but you don’t?
HELL NO.
Never in a million years will you hear me tell anyone they should have sex if they don’t want to. But, here’s the thing — if you find yourself saying no more often than yes, and if all those no’s are creating strain, then I see an opportunity for some relationship TLC.
Mom life is busy life, sex can literally be one of the furtherest things from your mind — I get it.
I’ve been where you are.
About eight months after my oldest was born my hubby and I had (in my then-opinion) successfully revived our sex life through quickies. One night, I grabbed my husband and we started making love. The problem was, part of my mind was focused on the Chinese food sitting on the table and another part was on sleep.
As the finish line was in sight for both of us, my husband suggested a location change. He wanted to keep going.
I told him I was tired and hungry. He asked again and I actually rolled my eyes. I thought, wasn’t the quickie enough at this point in our journey? The short answer: no.
A quickie, while still full of its charm and fun, can’t be your only form of sexual connection.
We talked it out. He needed to know that I still desired him. He needed our sexual connection to be strong. He missed the fun and the intimacy.
And I? I was exhausted. But I heard him. We needed more. We had to find our way back to each other to create space for excitement and play.
And this, mama, is where my advice to you comes in. Something I practice every single week of my whole entire life: Scheduling Sex.
Not sexy, right? Wrong.
Scheduling sex into your agenda can be invigorating and exciting.
It can also take a lot of the pressure off what might be circling in your relationship right now due to mismatched sex drives.
All it takes is 30 minutes, once a week. Half an hour to rediscover making out, dive back into creative foreplay, try new positions, and still have time left over for cuddling.
Together, pick a day and a time and mark it into your schedules.
This is your opportunity to sensually pamper and appreciate each other. I want you to move intentionally and feel everything — the good, the bad, and even the awkward.
Open your heart and dare to be vulnerable instead of resistant. Rekindling the physical and emotional connection with your partner with a sexy scheduled session of lovemaking will help you rediscover and redefine what quality sex looks and feels like to you both.
But I don’t have the time, the passion, or the desire! Valid concerns, but don’t worry. The magic of Scheduled Sex is that it provides the opportunity to reignite that spark. Here's how!
Set a date.
With your partner, decide on a day and time that works. Aim for a time you’ll both feel energized and inspired enough to follow through. Try to plan for a window when you can both step away from your responsibilities and meet for an afternoon or evening delight while no one is at home.
Once you’ve made the date, mark it in your calendars, but use something fun, like a code word, and you’d be surprised at the little thrill you get just by looking at your schedule.
Be present.
Once you’ve scheduled your session, it’s time to show up. I mean really show up, by being fully present. I invite you to take 15 minutes to yourself to get centered and focus on you before you start.
Then, put on some music and begin by breathing together and gazing into each other’s eyes, caressing each other, and kissing for longer than you usually do. Or, step into a hot shower and lather up each other’s bodies. However you choose to begin, be present.
Try to relax and stay open, free your mind from your to-do list, and let go of any frustrations. Soften your heart. Then, soften up even more! Remember you love this person.
Explore.
You might be used to much quicker sessions. Thirty minutes might seem like a bit of a stretch. Try exploring a variety of sensual pleasures, from massage to toys. Then, simply repeat what feels good.
Be sure to communicate. The more you talk during sex, the more your partner will do the same.
Don’t get too hung up on achieving the big O. The point is to get things going again, and in a more consistent manner each and every week. But if you can orgasm, please do!
And repeat.
After a killer lovemaking session, it’s time to get the next one on the calendar. This should feel like a joy, not a chore. It’s the perfect opportunity to express your sensual desires. Let your partner know exactly what you loved and what you’re looking forward to.
Whatever you do, don’t skip that last step. You have to work together. Planning and following through builds trust and consistency around your sex life.
Circling back to your original question, no, you shouldn’t have sex just because your partner wants to. But sex is an important part of any marriage, so if you’re always saying no, try scheduling sex in — and preparing yourself mentally for it — so that you can start saying yes again in a truly authentic way. Get creative. Have fun.
You’ve got this, Mama!
XOXO,
Dana
Ask Dana: My Man Is Starting To Experience Erectile Dysfunction. How Do We Talk About It?
My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks — Are We Getting It On Enough?
Ask Dana: How Can I Build My Confidence To Fulfill My Husband's Fantasies?
Honestly, Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
