Ask Dana: My Man Is Starting to Experience Erectile Dysfunction. How Do We Talk About It?

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Dear Dana,

I think my man is starting to have erectile dysfunction. How can I talk to him about it without making him feel like I'm attacking his ego?

Dear Super-Supportive,

I’m so glad you asked this question, because while erectile dysfunction is often thought of as an “older man’s” issue, but many experience erectile issues by the time they hit 40. I understand this may feel alarming to you.

You might cringe when you see those salt-and-pepper-haired couples on TV commercials dancing together before he pops a little blue pill. That’s not what you or your man look like!

You might even be panicking in an, “Oh no, is our sex life doomed for eternity?!” kind of way.

But, of course, by considering his ego you’re 100% doing the right thing.

Your man’s pride and self-esteem is likely directly linked to his sexual abilities and prowess (most men’s are).

He might feel ashamed and confused about what’s happening in the bedroom right now. If he hasn’t brought it up yet, it’s likely he’s feeling a little embarrassed and trying to hide the fact that there’s an issue.

Do not despair. Know that you’re not alone, this is a pretty normal issue that you can (and will!) tackle together. The two of you are a team — and there is no “I” in team! Cliché, I know, but hear me out on this one: ED is happening to your man, but it’s affecting you both, so an open and honest discussion is the only way to move through it.

With that said, here are my top tips for having a loving, supportive, and productive conversation with your guy about working through ED and what it means for your sex life:

Choose the right time to broach the subject.

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The time to talk about ED isn’t when you’re both naked in bed after having tried to make love. Discuss it outside the bedroom, where sex is completely off the table. Keep in mind that your man probably wants some discretion and privacy, so while you’re out for a meal isn’t the ideal time or location either. Try bringing it up while you’re out for a walk or a drive.

Face the awkwardness head on.

Be up front and honest — talking about ED is a little uncomfortable for you both, but it’s something you want to talk about. You’re not in it to just “solve the problem” — you’re in it for the sake of co-creating a long, healthy, mutually satisfying sex life for decades to come. Make it clear you’re on his side — no judgment.

Acknowledge what you LOVE about making love with him.

Your man is probably feeling a little inadequate — maybe he’s even questioning previous sessions you’ve had together. So get specific about how much you love the way he pleases you. Elaborate on how satisfied he leaves you feeling. Talk about the physical things he does, as well as how he makes you feel.

Just listen.

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Simply ask your partner how he is feeling about the challenges and changes you have been facing. Give him the opportunity to share what he thinks is going on and just be there for him.

When you’re both ready, ask questions.

The more you know about his experience, the more understanding and compassion you can bring to your relationship. Ask him to explain what actually happens to him on a physical, mental, and emotional level when he faces erectile challenges in bed.

Discuss what next steps you can take as a couple.

Let your man know that you want to take some steps together to work through your shared experience of ED. Ask him what he would be comfortable with: discussing it at home, seeing a doctor to find the root cause, doing online research, talking to a sex therapist, considering medical intervention … There are many avenues open to you.

Finally, share your thoughts.

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Share what you think the next steps should be. If they’re aligned with your man’s, great. If they’re different, explain your thought process. There’s no shame in expressing that you also need support in order to be there for him and continue seeking ways to find mutual sexual satisfaction.

While the mechanics of ED may impact your sex life, it wouldn’t be unusual if you, too, were feeling a little insecure. Don’t be afraid to ask your man for some reassurance that you’re still the hot mama he fell in love with!

I’d like to leave you both with this gentle reminder — intimacy doesn’t have to come from sex.

ED can make it feel like you’ve lost something, but you can create intimacy and set your own, pressure-free boundaries. Find it in a sensual massage that ends there, or a meaningful conversation over a romantic meal.

Remember babe, your first instinct was to be gentle with your man — so trust that. Be kind as you approach the subject. Decide together that you will be open and honest with one another as you tackle this roadblock.

You’ve faced challenges as a couple before — you can do it again!

XOXO,

Dana

ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:

Ask Dana: I Miss My Husband. How Do I Handle Post-Pandemic Separation Anxiety?

Ask Dana: My Husband & I Want To Have a Threesome. What 'Rules' Should We Put In Place?

My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks — Are We Getting It On Enough?

Honestly, Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?

Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].