Dear Dana,
My husband recently rejected me sexually, but I caught him watching porn and pleasuring himself later that night. I have no idea what to think … should I be worried?
Hey love,
I’m so sorry you felt sexually rejected by your husband … that’s never a good feeling! And yet it’s something that most of us have experienced within our marriages.
He’s in the mood and you’re not? You reject him. You’re in the mood, but he’s tired, or watching the big game, or already masturbated that day? He rejects you.
These things happen, but this recent rejection isn’t necessarily something you need to be worried about.
And here’s my take on why …
I believe that watching porn and masturbation can be a healthy and exciting part of any individual’s sexual life.
And when I say “sexual life,” I am referring the full expression of someone’s sexual pleasure and experience — not just what happens during partnered sex in a marriage.
I believe that, even though you’re married, it’s healthy to masturbate on the regular. It’s healthy to take responsibility for your own pleasure, and to not solely rely on your partner to “give you orgasms.”
It’s healthy to connect with yourself sensually and sexually, because it makes your life juicier, sweeter, and more ecstatic. A good, self-driven orgasm can relieve stress in an instant. Self-pleasuring can stir up stagnant energy in your body, and release stuck emotions!
And the best part, at least for those in a monogamous relationship, is that masturbating can increase your sex drive by keeping you regularly revved up and in tune with your body, which, hello … can lead to more (and better!) partnered sex and satisfaction!
As for porn? It can be a wonderful source of turn-on if you need a jump start to get your engine going.
It can be a source of education on new positions, scenarios, and techiques. It can be a source of excitement that brings a lot of sexual energy into your relationship. And it can be a source of shared inspiration to add variety and excitement to your sexual encounters, if you watch it together!
And yet, it can also be an area of addiction for some — and of course that can be a scary thought! But even with that said, I want to bring something up before we go any further: You used the word “caught” in your question, which implies that your husband did something wrong or out of the boundaries of your relationship contract. So that begs the question: Do you have spoken, agreed-upon rules in your marriage about watching porn and masturbating?
I mean, have you actually talked about these topics and shared how each of you feel about them and what you’re comfortable with?
Or are you operating under the unspoken assumption that, because you’re married, his only source of arousal should be from you? And his only source of sexual pleasure should be from partner sex? And that the same goes for you?
My guess is that you haven’t broached these topics in an open, exploratory way — and that you need to now, even if it feels uncomfortable to broach the topic.
Talking about porn and masturbation can bring you closer, help you learn about one another, and also help establish some boundaries in your relationship that will, hopefully, prevent any further feelings of rejection from arising.
Here are some guidelines to get into the conversation:
Be curious! Approach the conversation with an open and curious mind. You might begin with … “I noticed you watched porn and pleasured yourself the other night. What kind of porn were you watching? And what turned you on about it?” Then listen, without interrupting.
Be honest! You wound up feeling rejected, so be honest about that. You might say … “Hmm, that’s interesting! Thank you so much for sharing the kind of porn you were watching. If I’m honest, I wound up feeling rejected that night. Are you able to share what was going on for you in that moment where you chose porn and self-pleasure over sex with me? Please be honest with me so we can better understand each other.”
Respect each other’s personal preferences and sexual sovereignty. If you cannot get on board with your husband watching porn — with or without you — you have every right to request that he stops or limits his use of it … but he has the right to decide that it’s not something he wants to give up. And this works both ways because you are each a sovereign sexual being with your own unique desires, preferences, and entitlements to your own pleasures. If you approach this truth with respect, then you can support one another’s individual desires while also discussing setting specific parameters around them. No one ever said this would be easy, but it’ll sure bring you closer together.
Talk about what makes you uncomfortable and feel insecure. Start by asking yourself what it was that bothered you about the experience? Was it that he watched porn and that “porn star stereotype” made you feel insecure about your own body or sexual prowess? Was it that he masturbated, and you have certain set beliefs about self-pleasure? Was it that he rejected you and you don’t know why? Would you have preferred he ask you to watch porn with him? Are you fearful that watching porn feels like cheating, and that it might lead to actual cheating? Get out your journal and explore what really bothered you … and then share it with him! Being honest in this way is a brave act of intimacy and, in advance, I applaud you for it!
Brainstorm how to harness the power of porn and masturbation into your own shared sex life. As I mentioned earlier, watching porn can be a healthy part of your relationship and sex life. Explore what kinds of porn you each like to watch, and then seek common ground for porn you’d both enjoy. Watch it together! Talk about what feels pleasurable when you watch it — or what parts feel repulsive. What turns you on about the good parts? What scenarios/positions/energies would you like to try in your relationship? And the same goes for masturbation. Talk about what feels good when you do it. Why you each choose to masturbate, or not. What you might learn from watching each other masturbate. And would mutual masturbation in front of one another be an exciting sexual scenario to explore?
The goal of hard conversations like these is to bring lightness to the dark.
Shining light on these “taboo” topics that created feelings of rejection will only help you feel better and expand the intimacy within your relationship.
There’s no point in you feeling rejected and worried. Express yourself, hear what your husband has to say, and feel proud that you’re taking responsibility for the health of your marriage!
XOXO,
Dana
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Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
