Dear Dana,
I have sex with my husband about every two weeks. Is this normal or should I worry we're not getting it on enough?
Dear Wifey,
One of the most common questions I’m asked from moms, and dads, alike is …
HOW OFTEN DO “NORMAL COUPLES” HAVE SEX AFTER KIDS?
And let’s face it, this is such a common question because most couples experience a major shift in their sex lives once kids are in the mix. And many feel their sex life never fully recovers to its pre-baby glory, even many years later!
But before I really get going here, I want to put your mind at ease and say:
YOU ARE NORMAL. YOU SHOULDN’T WORRY.
And you’re most definitely not alone!
Recently, I ran an informal, anonymous survey of 500 moms in my FB group to get a read on the sexual frequency in their relationship. And here’s what came back:
After having kids, 40% of the group noted they have sex once a week, another 40% said they had sex with their partner an average of 7 times per month, and the remaining 20% shared they have sex once every two, three, or four weeks.
So, what IS normal?
Is the average couple having sex once a week? Or are they having sex almost twice a week? Or far less?
Whatever it is, it seems that there’s a pretty broad spectrum of “what’s normal” for the modern mom.
That said, IMO, I think that having about two intimate encounters per week is a pretty healthy frequency to help couples stay intimately connected amidst the chaos and stress of parenting.
And that might mean one session where you fully make love and one session where you pleasure your partner manually or orally but don’t feel the desire to receive.
Now, that’s just my opinion.
Yet as a married mom of two who’s also a sex coach, this approach works wonders for me and my husband. What about you?
Considering that you were concerned enough to write in with your question, I think your current frequency warrants some introspection.
So ask yourself:
Are you satisfied with the frequency of once every two weeks?
Is your husband?
Is there a case of mismatched drives?
If so, are you both communicating about it?
What’s keeping you from wanting more sex?
Is it just a routine you’ve fallen into?
What would genuinely inspire your desire to have more frequent sex?
What’s great about the sex you do have?
What could be better?
How can you and your partner co-create a sex life that feels exciting and compassionate for you both at this moment in your relationship?
I encourage you to investigate these questions on your own and, even better, to work through them with your partner.
But no matter what you do next, what I really want to drive home is this:
What’s normal for YOU and YOUR PARTNER should not be determined by my survey stats, what your best friend is doing, or what I’ve personally shared feels healthy for me many years into my marriage and our parenting journey.
How often you have sex and what’s normal for you should be defined by you and your partner through a healthy, collaborative conversation that starts with the questions I outlined earlier.
The truth is that YOU don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules.
You get to define your “normal” sex life as a confident, empowered woman, mother, and partner. And whatever that means to you and your spouse, if you work together to foster communication and intimacy and mutual satisfaction, then you’re gonna be in great shape.
And one last thing to keep in mind:
What feels normal, healthy, and doable for a couple with a 1-year-old who’s not sleeping through the night might look VERY different to what feels normal when the kids are no longer waking up every hour.
What feels normal by way of having sex when your in-laws are staying with you for a month and what’s normal when you sneak away to a hotel for a hot weekend? Also, two very different “normals."
So accept the fact that your "normal" will continue to change and evolve as your marriage and family life evolves.
I encourage you to give your sex life some attention by talking about it with your partner and, possibly, exploring a new frequency of lovemaking.
It’s worth a try, don’t you think?
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
How Can I Build My Confidence To Fulfill My Husband's Fantasies?
When Shifting From Mom Mode to Sexy Mode, How Can I Tap Into My Sultry Side?
How Do I Get Better at Asking for What Turns Me On If I'm Slightly Embarrassed?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
