Dear Dana,
I found out my husband pays for cam girls, and he says it's because I'm not adventurous enough. How can I build my confidence to fulfill my husband's fantasies?
Hey (Fantasy Wife, Adventurer-in-Training),
I will happily help you build your sexual confidence to fulfill your husband’s fantasies, but first, I must pose a few questions:
How is your heart?
How is your ego?
And how is the level of trust between you and your husband right now?
I ask these questions because racing toward fantasy play to fulfill your husband’s desires Won’t. Fix. Anything. if there’s a real fracture in your marriage.
If you haven’t fully felt, discussed, processed, and healed your feelings over his actions, and put in place a plan to rebuild the trust between you, then pushing yourself to “be more adventurous” might lead to more pain and resentment.
Now, I’m not saying you are hurt, that your ego is bruised, or that his actions made you feel less desirable than you truly are.
Paying for a cam girl might be acceptable behavior in some relationships.
But it may have felt more like lying and cheating to you. And that’s painful!
If that’s the case, I urge you to find a couples therapist, ASAP. Get in that room together to work through your feelings and develop a clear agreement of what’s acceptable in your marriage.
Is watching free porn OK? Sure. But paying to watch and chat with a cam girl in secret? Not so much. What about enjoying a cam girl together, for a virtual threesome experience?
Communicating in detail about sexual boundaries is a critical part of a healthy marriage. So please, don’t just race for a French maid costume and skip this important step in your relationship.
Alright, now that that’s off my chest, let’s move on to building your confidence and expanding your sexual horizons. Here are a few steps to explore fantasy play with your partner.
Step 1: Your fantasies matter.
Give yourself permission to fully engage your innermost fantasies, not just your husband’s. That’s right. Each and every one of us has fantasies … but you may have never been given the green light to explore them. That stops here and now.
Stand in front of a mirror and simply say, I give myself permission to explore my fantasies. Fantasies are a healthy part of my life as a sensual woman. Repeat it, even if it feels awkward.
If you feel resistance, ask yourself: Where did I learn that fantasies were "bad"? Who told me I shouldn’t experience them? Do I still believe this to be true?
Step 2: Prepare for play time.
Set aside one or two hours of sensual play time with your spouse. You’ll work together to discover, discuss, and act upon your fantasies as a couple. Remember this is not just about his desires!
Get two sheets of paper and let your erotic imaginations flow, writing down a minimum of three fantasy scenarios you’re each interested in playing out. Your list might include ideas like:
- Engage in a role-playing scenario (think Tarzan/Jane, Dr./Nurse, Foreign Lover/Traveler, Hot Boss Mom/Male Escort)
- Film a naughty video together
- Threesome, real or virtual
- Sex in a public place
- Edible play (think honey, whipped cream, chocolate sauce drizzled on skin)
Step 3: Share, compare … and say yes!
Swap papers with your partner and — with an open mind — read each other’s fantasies. Your lists will give immediate insight into what each of you desire by way of sexual adventure. Together, see if any common ground exists in your fantasies — those are the fantasies to start with! If there’s not an obvious match, simply talk through the list and discuss which fantasies you might consider exploring.
Step 4: Discuss the details.
Take some time to hash out any desired details, conditions, or boundaries you’d like to place on the fantasy scenario you’ll explore together. Share why you desire the fantasy and what images and feelings arise when you think about it. Provide specific information on how you’d like your partner to please you during the experience. (If you struggle with verbalizing this, you can write it down and share the notes with him!)
Step 5: PLAY!
Head to the bedroom and get busy bringing your scenario to life. If your fantasy requires more time and effort to orchestrate, make good use of the hours you set aside. Go to the sex store to buy props and costumes, research internet sites together, talk about which restaurant has a private (and clean) bathroom you could slip into for a quickie during your upcoming date night. Let it also be known that not every sexual fantasy you mutually agree upon has to be achieved. Sometimes, just the act of fantasizing together is thrilling enough in itself.
When you’re finished, I highly encourage you to celebrate the fantasy sex you just had by telling each other what felt great/weird/wonderful/comfortable/awkward, and why. Remember to maintain loving physical contact while you’re doing so to build intimacy.
Then, get your next fantasy session on the calendar.
Because your body and mind are freshly lit-up with pleasure and newness, this should feel exciting. Revisit your fantasy lists and choose the one you’d both like to dive into for your next round.
I know this is A LOT of information to process, but I believe in you, baby!
Work through your issues together and then set yourself free. Your capacity for pleasure is greater than you know, and I’m proud of you for stepping up to explore it!
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
When Shifting From Mom Mode to Sexy Mode, How Can I Tap Into My Sultry Side?
How Do I Get Better at Asking for What Turns Me On If I'm Slightly Embarrassed?
Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
