Dear Shy Girl,
Oh my goodness, I understand this! As women, we’re never taught how to communicate our needs and desires to our intimate partners. And without the tools, how are we to gain the confidence, let alone the words, to ask our lovers for what we want?
But don’t worry — I have just the thing for you. Here are seven steps to help you ask for what you want!
Explore your resistance.
As moms, we give and we give. It’s natural to put our needs aside, but you know what happens when we continually do that? We drain ourselves taking care of everyone else. Yet, when someone wants to give back or we want to ask for help, we’re met with internal resistance.
In the bedroom, resistance can manifest as guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Our partners want to shower us with sensual love, but our convoluted thoughts get in the way.
You need to explore this resistance. Think about the barriers holding you back from asking for what you want and ways to break them down.
Do you get uncomfortable when your partner is up close and personal with your lady parts? (Heads up: Your taste and smell are natural and can actually be a HUGE turn-on for your partner.)
Are you concerned it takes you too long to orgasm? (Heads up: On average, it takes 20 minutes or more for most women to reach orgasm. It’s less than three minutes for men!).
Are you afraid of hurting his ego? (Heads up: Many men find pleasure in sexually pleasing their partners and wish their partner offered more feedback.)
Do embarrassment, guilt, or shame cause you to shut down? (Heads up: Sexual pleasure is normal and healthy, just like you.)
Prep your body.
To receive pleasure, you need body confidence. That means it’s time to get comfortable with your sexual body. Take a mirror and look. Yeah, down there. Gaze at yourself. Speak words of praise. It’s soft. Touchable. Beautiful in its own right!
Once you’ve taken a good, long look, explore and pamper yourself. Whether it’s grooming, a steamy shower, or simply touching, do what makes YOU feel sexy. Remember, there is nothing to be embarrassed about!
Choose your sensual adventure.
Now it’s time to determine what you want. Write down specific erotic requests so that your partner knows exactly what to do. Things like “longer oral sex sessions,” “a sexy massage,” or “lightly spank my bottom.” The more details you give, the better your lover can meet your needs.
Once you’ve written your desires on paper, practice saying them aloud in the mirror. This may feel funny at first, but it’s key to generating confidence and reducing nervousness.
Express yourself.
Plan an outside-of-the-bedroom date night to share your list with your partner. Treat it as an opportunity to open up about your needs, explain the details of your desires, and answer any questions your partner has.
If you’re anxious, bring your notes and read straight from the paper.
Relax and receive.
Before you head to the bedroom, relax. It can be yoga, a hot bath, or a glass of wine — whatever works for you. Then create a sensual environment. Change the sheets and light candles. Wear something that makes you feel sexy.
Once the loving starts, stay unashamedly present. Focus on the physical sensations your partner’s creating. If you become self-conscious or your mind drifts, intentionally come back to the moment. Breathe deep, imagine sensual energy circulating in your pelvis, and let your breath travel throughout your body.
Communicate!
It’s all been leading up to this moment. You must give your partner specific feedback. If he’s doing something right, tell him! Would a different technique feel better? Tell him!
Say things like:
Suck gently.
Kiss me.
A little lighter.
Another finger.
Stay right there.
Don’t stop.
I’m there — keep going!
Just remember: Keep it specific and simple!
Practice makes permanent.
That was nice, right? So don’t stop here. Abandon your embarrassment, embrace your desires, and communicate your needs. Sometimes it’s harder than others, but the more you accept and nourish your own sensuality, the easier it becomes to communicate openly and receive pleasure.
I know asking for what you want can be scary or make you feel shy. But in the end, I promise, it’s totally worth it!
Sending all my love with a giant heap of good luck.
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
My Partner & I Have Issues Communicating. How Can We Stop Arguing & Get Closer?
Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
I Want to Push Boundaries in the Bedroom, But What If I Freak Out My Spouse?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
