Dear Sleepy,
Before I dish out some advice here, I’d love to share a story with you — woman to woman.
When I was a new mom, all I wanted to do was sleep and eat and focus on mothering. Sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead of snuggling on the couch with my husband at night, I’d dive into bed the minute my little ones passed out.
If my man tried to kiss me while I was making baby food, I’d brush him off, annoyed he was “trying to distract” me from the baby task at hand.
One night, he asked me to come outside to look at the stars with him, and I outright refused!
I shot down a gorgeous offer from my loving husband because I was too busy sterilizing bottles.
But the truth behind that response? I was afraid that if I paused for a romantic moment with him that it would lead to sex. And all I wanted to do was sleep.
My libido was dead, and my mindset was turned upside-down.
Sex had become a chore — not a beautiful choice to receive pleasure.
It had become an obligation — instead of an opportunity for intimate connection.
And I was choosing to procrastinate — instead of sharing my presence with my loving partner.
That night was a wake-up call for me, and by submitting this question, I can see that perhaps you’re having your own wake-up call, too!
From that day forward, I decided to renew my commitment to our intimate life — both for my own sensual pleasure and vitality, and for the health of our marriage!
But I didn’t overwhelm or force myself to “get back in the sack” too quickly. I started out with small daily actions that would nourish my libido, strengthen our relationship, and reignite our sexual spark, too!
And it’s what I suggest for you, too:
First, set aside 30 to 60 minutes for a “sensual date” with yourself once a week.
Ask for the support you need to get the time alone, and then spend it wisely in a way that’ll rebuild and support your libido.
- Dance for yourself in the mirror.
- Take a long, hot bath with scented oils.
- Get reacquainted with your body. Where does it feel tired? Where does it feel judged? Where does it feel beautiful? Where does it need your loving attention and compliments?
- Read some saucy erotica and dog-ear the passages where your libido naturally comes alive.
- REST! Getting more rest can help your body regulate its hormones to be primed and ready for sexual activity.
While you’re alone, practice some mindset-training based on what I said above.
Literally say to yourself, on repeat:
“I move from chore to choice.”
“I embrace intimacy as an opportunity, not an obligation.”
“Instead of procrastinating, I will invite my presence back into our love life.”
The point is to reclaim your sensuality from the exhaustion and depletion of motherhood in order to begin reigniting your sex life with your spouse.
Next, tell your partner you want to practice more 'touch without expectation.'
Make a commitment with your partner to touch more throughout the day, without the expectation that things will go further.
It may take time for them to fully grasp this concept (especially if they feel sex- and touch-deprived), and for you to learn to trust and welcome their touch. And that’s OK.
But when your spouse goes in for an embrace and your exhausted, inner voice shouts “No!” — I invite you to pause and breathe. Fight the urge to flee, even if your bed is calling your name. Lean into their touch, feel your energies connect, and reciprocate the embrace with an open heart and body.
Practicing this kind of touch will reset a baseline of physical intimacy between you, act as a reminder that touching each other feels good (!), and can become a bridge that leads to bringing sexier touch back to your relationship, too.
And finally, lean into intimacy pleasure with your partner for just two minutes.
That’s right. Just two minutes. Instead of rolling over to fall asleep, tell yourself, “I’m going to give intimacy my full attention for two minutes.”
If, after two minutes, you feel absolutely ZERO pleasure, then tell your partner how lovely the kisses have been, but that you’d love a raincheck on the rest. But if you allow yourself to become truly open, curious, and receptive to where the two minutes might lead? Then, I have a feeling you’ll be pleasantly surprised and will want to carry on the sensual exploration with the partner you love.
Hope this helps, and here’s to your libido making a healthy, happy return!
ICYMI, check out my previous columns:
How Can My Partner & I Spice Things Up After Months in Lockdown?
I Want to Push Boundaries in the Bedroom, But What If I Freak Out My Spouse?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
