Dear Pushing Boundaries,
Hello, beautiful. First, may I just say how excited I am that you are in touch with your desires to push the boundaries in your bedroom? A woman who KNOWS herself is a woman who LOVES herself!
And as I’m spitting out sayings, I’ll add this one, too: “The couple that plays together, stays together.”
I firmly believe that if you crave an erotic bond that’s strong enough to hold you together forever, you’ve got to lift your lovemaking to the next level by adding in a healthy dose of imagination. So good on you for leading the way and bringing more sexy, creative experiences into your relationship.
Now, whether we admit it or not, each and every one of us has sexual fantasies and curious desires we want to explore.
But to what extent do we allow ourselves to let them play out?
If you’re concerned about “freaking him out,” then I’m going to guess that the two of you have not yet let yourselves play out any fantasies or out-of-the-norm sexual scenarios. And that leads me to address your question.
If your instinct tells you he might not be up for it, or that, gasp, he might even be offended or weirded out by your desire to explore more with him, then I suggest you baby-step your way into this new territory.
And as with most areas of our relationships, I suggest you start with communication!
Get the kids to bed (if you have them), pour a glass, and invite your partner to sit down for a sexy convo where you each ask and answer these questions:
1. What feels great about our sex life right now? Your answers could touch upon your sexual frequency, the positions you love, how you cuddle afterward, etc.
2. What’s one specific sexual request you’d like to ask of me? This might be anything from having sex in a new location, more passionate kissing, or testing out a slower pace than usual during intercourse. Talking through these creative ideas is a primer for making it easier to talk about the wilder desires you want to explore.
3. What kind of “new sexual energy” would you like to play with? Here’s where you get to share how you’d like to push your boundaries together. Your answers might range from sharing very specific role-play fantasies you want to act out, bringing in toys and accessories, or other scenarios the mainstream might consider taboo.
Listen to one another fully and completely, without interrupting, and remember to never “yuck” someone else’s “yum!” Just because you each express a certain desire doesn’t mean you have to act it out in the bedroom.
You can also share that you’re worried he might freak out when you share your authentic truth.
Tell him that you’re nervous, and ask that he listen to you with an open heart (and open loins!), and avoid judging or shaming you. Ask that you enter this sexy new territory together, as lovers and partners on a lifelong journey to share love, satisfaction, and fun — as a team.
And on a deeper level, I also urge you to look inward and investigate why you’re projecting fear and judgment on this area of your life and relationship.
Take a moment with your journal to explore these questions:
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Was there a time or moment in my life when I was judged, shamed, or rejected for my sexuality?
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Where did I learn to feel shame around this topic?
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Do I actually still believe that I should feel shame or embarrassment around my desires?
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Do I have the ability to confidently rewrite the story I tell myself regarding my shame or fear here?
Uncover healing, acceptance — and desire
Seeking to understand why sharing your desires with your partner scares you through journaling may uncover some healing and acceptance around this for you. Have a conversation with yourself — be a good listener to yourself! I think you’ll be surprised at the awareness that arises, as well as the confidence you can generate to share your desires with your spouse!
ICYMI, check out my last column: How Can My Partner & I Spice Things Up After Months in Lockdown?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
