Dear Dana,
My husband and I want to have a threesome. I know there are "rules" we need to put in place, but I'm not sure where to start. Can you help?
Dear Three’s Company,
Well congratulations, adventurer!
You’re making your way toward a ménage à trois … Dipping your toes into a triad! Thrusting your way forward into a throuple, if you will!
Is it exciting? Yes!
Thrilling? Hell yeah.
Scary AF? Maybe!
Potentially dangerous to your relationship? Quite possibly so!
Before you get into planning your threesome, you have to figure out if it’s something you really want.
Is it something that’s going to add spark to your relationship or will it put out the fire?
Although frisky fantasies in the bedroom are completely normal — healthy even! — in reality, threesomes come with potential complications. Even though you and your partner may think you’re prepared, it can stir up emotions of jealousy, insecurity, and even inadequacy in your relationship.
On the other hand, exploring a threesome may be exactly what your relationship needs. Even just talking about the possibility can be a major turn on!
Birthing your sexual fantasies into reality with your partner can bring in a new level of excitement and passion. However, before getting started it’s important to establish ground rules.
These are the guidelines I recommend considering with your partner before diving into your group fun:
Rule No. 1: TALK, TALK, and TALK SOME MORE!
Maybe you’re the kind of person who can handle impromptu, spur-of-the-moment, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-underpants sexual experiences, but I believe you have a higher chance of satisfaction (and security) in a threesome if you spend time getting everything out into the open first.
Not only will this help you fortify the foundation of your relationship, but it’ll also give you both an opportunity to get excited about the experience.
Talk about what you’re currently happy with in your sex life already.
Talk about who your third partner will be — is it with a second woman or a second man?
Is there a specific “seduction scene” you each have in mind? A particular way the fantasy will play out?
What kind of sex is off-limits? What is fully “allowed” for each one of you?
Are there different rules for each of you?
Are you looking for a physical lover only or do you want to have an emotional connection as well?
What kind of safe sex measures will you put in place? Will you request your third partner be tested for STIs? Would you ask for proof of a test?
Where will the encounter happen? In your bed? At a hotel?
Who will approach your third partner? Will you invite the person together?
There is a lot to consider before even reaching out to potential third partners. Having these conversations can unlock a lot of emotions — you may even find yourselves turned on. Give in to the feelings and have fun! Once you’re both content, move on to the next steps.
Rule No. 2: Explore the roles you'll play.
In a threesome, there are so many combinations – of people and positions – to dream about when you’re fantasizing about more than one bedmate.
Any way you fashion it, it’s naughty and thrilling (and a little terrifying, right?). All those arms, legs, lips, and extra attention being directed toward your pleasure. Or are they?
That’s the thing. This is another thing you need to discuss. What’s the deal? Will you and your husband team up to give your lover pleasure? Will your husband and the lover team up to give you pleasure? Will you and the lover team up and … you get the idea.
Whatever floats your boat, you’ve got to talk it through beforehand. This is an important part of establishing boundaries and can help prevent pangs of jealousy, shame, or even regret in the moment. You want FUN in the moment. Titillation. Lots of orgasms. NOT a freak-out or breakdown.
The next thing you have to consider is what happens afterward.
Rule No. 3: Figure out what happens after the Big Os.
You’ve talked about what your fantasies are, the roles you’ll play, and the rules to protect your relationship. Now you’ll also need to talk about what happens afterward.
Is it a love 'em and leave 'em kind of situation? Or do you all stay the night and sleep in the same bed?
Make egg sandwiches together in the morning?
Do you stay in touch with your third?
Will you suggest making it a recurring encounter?
Talk through what your ideal exit is, for the night and for the long term if you want this to become a regular part of your sex life and relationship.
This is something you have to consider before doing the deed because, in the heat of the moment, your exit plans won’t be at the top of your mind.
Rule No. 4: Have a post-coital recap.
When it’s just you and your partner again, talk through the experience: What did you like? What didn’t you like? How are you feeling now? How were you feeling during? Did your third partner mesh well with you? Were there any moments of discomfort or awkwardness? Any moments of pure magic?
Tune into yourself and acknowledge your true feelings. You know — those feelings in your gut that simply don’t lie! Are you satisfied? Is this something you’re happy you tried? Something you want to carry on with? Be honest and share your feelings. And receive your partner’s honest feedback.
If you’ve read this and are feeling ready to rock with a threesome, then get to finding that partner and starting the communication process with your husband.
If you’re feeling a little more uncertain, I suggest you take a baby step on your threesome journey and start with a virtual encounter instead with a cam girl or boy.
A virtual threesome can provide you with the visual and aural experience of a third partner without another body in the room to contend with!
Talk about how you’d want this to play out. Do you want the cam girl to instruct you and your partner in a sensual way? Read eroctica aloud while you all explore yourselves? Or are you the ones giving the cues and watching? The possibilities are truly endless.
This can be a way to test out the waters with a third person before physically bringing someone in.
It’s a way to explore this new territory and figure out how you and your husband might feel if you bring your threesome fantasy to life.
Having a threesome in any form could add major excitement to your relationship with the right preparation and open, honest communication. It can bring you a sense of sweet relief and healthy risk if you’re feeling bored or worried about your sex life. Just be cautious and TALK to your partner beforehand and afterward.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
My Partner & I Have Issues Communicating. How Can We Stop Arguing & Get Closer?
Is It Wrong to Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex With My Man?
My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks — Are We Getting It On Enough?
Honestly, Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
