Ask Dana: Is It Wrong to Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex With My Man?

iStock

Dear Dana,

My husband and I have been together for what seems like forever. Is it wrong to fantasize about someone else during sex with my man? I mean, I'm not cheating …

Dear Normal, Healthy Human,

Let me shout this from my mountain top, aka, my living room couch: Fantasizing About Someone Else During Sex Is Not Wrong.

I repeat, fantasizing about someone else during sex IS. NOT. WRONG! In fact, it’s quite normal. And common.

Humans are simply not wired to find only one person attractive their whole lives. Nor are we programmed to only desire what’s right in front of us. The proverbial saying "variety is the spice of life" exists for good reason!

And let’s think about it: Children have imaginary friends, and we call them "creative" and are happy for them to spend time with their fantasy companions. We view it as healthy and normal.

But then, we’re supposed to shut down our imaginations when we grow up? Why? Why shouldn’t we, as adults, have the freedom to stimulate our minds with imaginary play friends, too?

Now, I get it. You want to protect your partner’s feelings.

And somewhere along the way, we were all brainwashed to believe that we’re only supposed to have eyes for one person from the moment we get married until the moment we die? And that if we don’t, we should feel bad.

I just can’t buy into that. And it doesn’t seem like you can either — because it doesn’t make sense!

And yet, you feel some sense of guilt.

In your question, you felt you had to justify that “it’s not cheating.”

Perhaps the fear is that if you allow yourself to fantasize about others, that you’ll inevitably act on those sexual fantasies? The act of fantasizing about someone else alone doesn’t lead to cheating.

What can lead to cheating is:

• Unhappiness and Dissatisfaction — Dissatisfaction with a marriage, either emotionally or sexually, can definitely drive someone to stray. But your marriage doesn’t seem to be sexless!

• Feeling Un- or Underappreciated — If you’re not feeling appreciated for all that you do in your marriage, you might seek that appreciation and attention elsewhere. But again, you didn’t mention feeling this way!

• Lack of Commitment — If your commitment status is questionable or undefined, there’s a higher chance of cheating. But from what you said, it seems like you two are committed and in it for the long haul!

And there are, of course, many, MANY more reasons a man or woman might cheat.

The only other one I want to touch base on is … sexual boredom.

This is a big one, especially for couples who’ve been together forever, because, after years with the same person, sex can become routine — more familiar than fantastic.

It’s hard to be all hot and horny for your spouse when you fart in front of one another over breakfast and have seen each other naked for decades. The mystery fades, the lust has cooled, the chase has ended. But that doesn’t mean you just give up — which you clearly haven’t — and shrivel up.

IMO, it means you get crafty and creative!

iStock

And that means using whatever tools are available to you, within the boundaries of your committed relationship, to stay intimately connected and sexually satisfied alongside your partner.

And that could look like a rich fantasy life that you keep to yourself. It might mean that you watch porn and masturbate a bit to “warm up” before you meet up with your man to make love.

You could also explore a fantasy life together with costumes and roleplay. You could get kinky with props, toys, accessories. You could shoot a sexy film together (and erase it immediately so no little eyes ever see it).

Or pretend you’re in the “fantasy suite” and ask your man to talk like The Bachelor (just use the phrase "on this journey" a lot). Or do whatever floats your boat.

But, whatever you do, please do not censor your own imagination.

It’s your imagination that’s helping you stay aroused and engaged while you’re having sex with your husband.

It’s your imagination that may be helping you reach orgasm, which is creating a positive pleasure cycle between you and your man.

It’s your imagination that’s giving you the urge to say YES to sex, instead of taking a raincheck. And this alone will help you two stay connected and engaged and inspired to make love, year after year.

Your imagination may not be monogamous, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t.

When you fantasize, you’re able to explore your desires and turn-ons without acting on them in real life and potentially causing serious damage to your marriage. You’re adding sexual variety, while boosting your sex drive, passion, and arousal, too.

And what could possibly be wrong about any of that?

So, if you can’t tell already, my take is that fantasizing is healthy. The only thing I would suggest is, as you fantasize about someone else, that you stay present and engaged with your partner.

If your imagination has you off somewhere, say in the jungle, pressed up against the wall of a cave by a very tall, very naked Jason Momoa, hearing the waves crash as your own tide is rising … just make sure you’re not ignoring your partner, using him only as the physical tool to get you to the Big O.

Maintaining eye contact and intimacy IS important so that your partner feels seen and desired in the heat of the moment, too!

And with that, my dear, go forth and fantasize! Enjoy every steamy scenario and racy rumination, without the guilt.

With healthy boundaries in place, the sexy scenarios that run through your mind will enhance your arousal AND your relationship in the long run.

XOXO,
Dana

ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:

My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks — Are We Getting It On Enough?

When Shifting From Mom Mode to Sexy Mode, How Can I Tap Into My Sultry Side?

How Do I Get Better at Asking for What Turns Me On If I'm Slightly Embarrassed?

Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].